Hey. -triggering, abuse + suicide talk-

I've been floating around these forums for a while now, posting here and there, but this is one of the forums I've only posted a little bit in that I still feel like I belong in. I guess I just wanted to say hi and explain my story, and maybe ask a few questions.

Anyway, I guess I can open to say that I'm young, and that I'm currently in the process of finding a psychologist to help me with everything going on. I have a lot of baggage, and I find it hard to really just survive on a day to day basis sometimes. It gets better sometimes and worse others, but even just the recurring depression is worrying. SH, suicidal thoughts... all of that sort of stuff. I experience dissociation as well, which is a problem all in it's own.

But anyway. I wanted to explain what I think could be a cause for my potential PTSD, and what I know to be the cause for most (if not all) of my daily disfunctions.

When I was twelve, I met someone online who was older then me and who was interested in me sexually. It took a little while, but soon enough I believed I was in love with him and that he loved me too. Being twelve, this was the best thing ever of course, and I was determined to do anything to keep him.

It didn't take long for me to become a sexual item. He asked me to do this or that, and I did it. No questions asked. The one time I /did/ question him, he became very angry and refused to talk to me, something that I couldn't handle. His requests got more and more obscene as time went on, and he began to 'teach' me what to do for him, and for others. Now, I recognise this as being something like ritual abuse, but at the time I saw it as an expression of his love for me.

Anyway, after two years of this, right around my 14th birthday, something happened and my parents found out. They responded nearly immediately and with intensity. They contacted the police and I was forced to agree to participate in an investigation I didn't want to participate in, as well as forbidding me from contacting anyone outside of my household. I was not allowed to use phones, or anything that could connect to the internet. I was grounded for 8 months from any sort of friendly contact and torn from the only person in my life (the online boy) that I percieved to love me or know what was best for me.

I couldn't handle any of it. I tried to kill myself twice in this period, and I began to sleep a lot more and have anxiety attacks. My parents, when they did finally give me my electronics back, began reading my texts and my emails, as well as go through my face book. I had no privacy, and felt like I was living with the people who 'took him away from me'.

Even now, knowing logically in my mind that what he did was seriously sexually and emotionally abuse a very young girl, I want him back. I still feel like he is the only one to really want or love me, which has hunted me in all of my relationships since. I view sex as being love, and I percieve abuse as the proper way to show adoration. I find it extremely hard to get over these things, and it impacts me deeply still. I still have anxiety attacks when people touch my phone or computer, and I still think about getting him back every day.

I belive that I have had depression ever since this event, as well as PTSD. I have flashbacks and anxiety attacks, and cannot seem to get out of the past no matter how hard I try. Even when I absolutely loathe him and what he did to me, I would run back in an instant.

I really need help with this. I've been trying to help myself, but time has shown that that is impossible for me. Stuff at home is very stressful as well, and I don't trust my parents enough to try to talk to them about anything. Just waking up in the morning and going to bed relatively unscathed at the end of the day is difficult for me, and this is one of the 'high' periods in my life, something which basically means I'm not having suicidal thoughts.

I don't know.I just wanted to explain eveything I guess. Type it out here and see if anyone actually responds.

I need friends, I guess.

Does this even sound like something that can cause PTSD?

Anyway, yeah. Thank you for reading.

Heya

Thanks for posting. i thought that you were candid in all that you asid, which is good and positive for the future because it means that you are well-able to talk aout your problems. This will serve you very well considering that talking about a problem/fear/anxiety is the best way to feel more at ease about it...

I can understand why you want that boy back. Your time with him is heavily-imprinted in your mind and therefore it feels 'comfortable' for you, even though you now recognise the wrongs that were committed. this is kind of like the situation that arises wherby a person actually feels 'comfortable' being depressed. They suffer it for such a long time that it becomes what life is all about - i.e. struggling day-to-day and not feeling happy at all. They don't know another life ... just as, perhaps, you are struggling to 'know' another life other than the one you lived out with that boy.

It is important to remember, however, that there IS another life out there, in fact many others. How prepared are you to attempt to go and find out about them? It would involve embracing new things and exploring new likes. We don't always have to run the same path in life, and as I have found it is quite difficult to predict the future, yet that doesn't mean that we must shy away from trying to mould it in our own way.

The past is done - isn't it? - and the future is still there to live. We can never change that past, but we most certainly can influence that future. I try to not linger on the past at all. If I do look back, I only now try to see the positives in all the negatives. We learn from mistakes, and this learning translates to life wisdom that can be taken forward into new endeavours...

Kevin

PS - I don't actually recommend talking to your parents about this - you're right - because I am doubtful that they'd understand. It could in fact create more problems for you.

I'm sorry to hear that he treated you like that. He shouldn't have taken advantage of you sexually like that.

It is understandable that sometimes you still have feelings for him and want him back. Abuse can blur our boundaries like that and influence the way we view relationships, skewing it to be an unhealthy perspective.

Do you have a therapist at the moment to help you work through these issues?

Actually, I just applied for therapy last night. I'm extremely nervous - I tend to have trouble trusting therpists and adults in general. >.<

That is fantastic to hear that you applied for therapy last night! That is really good you had the courage to take that step!

I think it can be tough to learn to trust people when you may not have had a lot of trustworthy people in your life. I think the key to getting comfortable with a therapist is to take things as slowly as you need and to openly talk about problems you have with them also (because there will probably be things you don't like about your therapist, it is important to talk about these with your therapist so that they can help you understand why they are behaving/saying the things they are), this will help you start to develop trust and be able to start opening up more...

-nods- I guess I'm just worried that I'm not going to get what I need out of the sessions. Or that I'm going to be judged, or something along those lines.