so stressed

I am feeling so stressed at the moment. I'm not expecting anyone to have any "cure all" or anything, I guess I just wanted to reach out and just tell everyone how I have been feeling. My anxiety has really been amped up today for some reason. Tight feeling in my chest... like someone is clutching onto my insides really tight and not letting go. I friggin hate this crap. I'm so tired of feeling so anxious and so stressed for seemingly no reason. Sundays are particularly hard though. I don't know why. Sunday nights are the worst. Maybe anticipation for the week, I don't know. They've always been hard. On top of all this I'm looking for a new therapist since I don't like the one I have currently. I would do anything to make this pain and pressure in my chest go away. And then the anger and rage that have been trying to claw their way out... seeping out like water between the cracks. I can't contain it. Being scared that the rage will overtake me and I will do really awful things... But for now, the anxiety. One thing at a time. I'm exhausted. I think I will try to sleep. Tried that a few hours ago and it didn't go so well. Ended up screaming at my partner. Not good. I hate feeling so powerless over myself. I hate putting my partner through all that I am on a regular basis. I just wish I could be calm and stress-free for even just one day. One day would be so nice. None of the anger. None of the rage. None of the anxiety. None of the amped-up-ness. None of the overwhelm. Just for one day, a break from the chaos. That would be so nice.

Okay sorry for the rant. I just needed to get all that out. Thanks for listening.

C

let it all out.. we're all on the same boat.. sometimes it gets windy and bouncy.. sometimes it'll be as calm as the opening bars of the gentlest sonata ever composed..

but most of the time it'll be as calm as afghanistan tho'

So sorry you are feeling so bad - it sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate. Please feel free to vent away as much as you want and I am thinking of you.

Hugs

Cracked

Sorry to hear you are struggling with all of this at the moment. I think it is good to hear that you are looking for a therapist at the moment, that will help. Not immediately but in the long run at least. In the meantime it is good to see you are here and have a chance to let out some of your feelings here.

Perhaps you can plan some ways to release some of your anger safely so that the feelings don't seem so pent up and hard to keep under control? I like getting some newspaper and viciously scrunching and tearing it up for example, or I recently joined a gym and can do boxing with my personal trainer. Perhaps something to get the anger out in a safe way like that will help you?

Thanks everyone. I am doing better today. Sunday nights are usually like that for me for some reason. Then Monday comes and there is usually some major relief. You'd think it'd be the opposite, that mondays would stress me out, since I work Mon-Fri, but they don't. I've always done well with routine I think.

Salted, I wish there was a way to really release my anger. The closest thing for me is throwing pillows and screaming, but this usually only provides temporary relief (and it feels very out of control when I'm doing it, cause I feel so rageful). I have a lot of judgment toward expressing my anger. I wish I didn't...

Thanks again.

You are welcome. I am glad you are feeling better. Thinking of you.

Cracked

I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. Perhaps Sunday is a trigger to you for some specific reason? Like for example I've worked out that sunset is a trigger for me and I'm wondering if I was often abused at that particular time or something. Maybe it may be something like that for you? Or maybe it is that Sunday you are not as busy and so the parts of your unconscious that hold the trauma want you to start to process the stuff and so start to release more of the feelings on Sunday because you don't have the pressures of work then?

I think it is important to see if you can work out what is causing triggers, because the more you are aware of your triggers, the easier it is to see that it is a trigger for a particular reason and that starts to make the feelings less distressing at the time. In my opinion anyway. I find it empowering to understand my triggers because sometimes it means I can do something to minimize them. For example, I get triggered by the sound of construction machinery and so if I am hearing it, I know that that is what is triggering me and so I can choose to go somewhere where I will not hear that sound during that time.

brandic wrote:Salted, I wish there was a way to really release my anger. The closest thing for me is throwing pillows and screaming, but this usually only provides temporary relief (and it feels very out of control when I'm doing it, cause I feel so rageful). I have a lot of judgment toward expressing my anger. I wish I didn't...

I think it is good that you use the pillows and the screaming. Even temporary relief can be helpful. I suppose the thing that will help the anger most is to have all of the memories of what trauma is actually causing you the angry feelings and to be able to actually release the anger in a safe way by expressing it in some way directly at the cause of whatever has made you angry at the core. Therapy will help with that I think. I also have a lot of judgement toward expressing my anger and I am aware that that attitude has come about because in my upbringing it was completely unacceptable to express anger, my parents just wouldn't allow it. I think once you discover the reason behind your judgement toward expressing your anger, you will eventually start to become more at peace with that and be able to consciously change your thinking to feel ok about expressing your anger.

salted lipstick wrote:I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. Perhaps Sunday is a trigger to you for some specific reason? Like for example I've worked out that sunset is a trigger for me and I'm wondering if I was often abused at that particular time or something. Maybe it may be something like that for you? Or maybe it is that Sunday you are not as busy and so the parts of your unconscious that hold the trauma want you to start to process the stuff and so start to release more of the feelings on Sunday because you don't have the pressures of work then?

Yeah I really don't know. I wish I did. It could be the unstructured time that's bringing it up, but I'm usually fine on Saturdays, and Saturdays are usually just as unstructured as Sundays. And it's usually right around sunset (I think??) that things start to feel out of control (inside). I couldn't tell you what this correlates to. I wasn't physically abused and the sexual abuse that occurred happened during the day and not at nighttime. So it's a big mystery. Something definitely worth addressing in therapy.

salted lipstick wrote:I think it is important to see if you can work out what is causing triggers, because the more you are aware of your triggers, the easier it is to see that it is a trigger for a particular reason and that starts to make the feelings less distressing at the time. In my opinion anyway. I find it empowering to understand my triggers because sometimes it means I can do something to minimize them. For example, I get triggered by the sound of construction machinery and so if I am hearing it, I know that that is what is triggering me and so I can choose to go somewhere where I will not hear that sound during that time.

Yes, I agree. Although its hard for me, because almost everything seems to trigger me. Construction noises, helicopters, loud motorcycles, screaming kids... and that doesn't include my interactions with other people. Driving is near impossible, I end up in a blind rage by someone simply driving too slow, or too fast. I don't want to be that way but I can't seem to help it. And I can't avoid driving... I can't avoid the helicopters since I live near a helicopter path so they are always flying overhead. So yeah, I'm being triggered and overwhelmed on a daily basis.

salted lipstick wrote: I suppose the thing that will help the anger most is to have all of the memories of what trauma is actually causing you the angry feelings and to be able to actually release the anger in a safe way by expressing it in some way directly at the cause of whatever has made you angry at the core. Therapy will help with that I think.

I know exactly what you mean. It's a bit frustrating because I've been in therapy for so many years and have yet to connect to the source of my anger. On an intellectual level, I know I should be angry at my abusers and the people who neglected me, but I'm completely disconnected from all of it. I can talk about my traumas as if I were talking about ice cream flavors. No emotional connection to them whatsoever. It's quite frustrating!

salted lipstick wrote: I also have a lot of judgement toward expressing my anger and I am aware that that attitude has come about because in my upbringing it was completely unacceptable to express anger, my parents just wouldn't allow it. I think once you discover the reason behind your judgement toward expressing your anger, you will eventually start to become more at peace with that and be able to consciously change your thinking to feel ok about expressing your anger.

I actually know the reasons behind my judgment. My family sounds similar to yours in that no anger was ever allowed or tolerated. And however much I know I should allow it or accept it, I keep my anger and rage locked up inside me like Fort Knox. Therapists have tried working with me in the past to help release my anger, but allowing myself to be angry (alone) is hard enough, let alone in front of someone!

So... I know I have some work to do, and it won't be easy. The good news is that I'm starting to become more aware and in touch with my anger, even if it does feel big and out of control. For so many years I was just so shut down, I didn't think I could even get angry.

I know healing is a process and it takes time and I need to be patient. It's just hard being patient when I'm so stressed and triggered so much of the time. It's like, you'd think I'd have had a break down already or something lol! It's like, how much emotional stress can a person tolerate?! I guess I'm pretty good at tolerating high amounts of distress, because I was forced to tolerate them when I was younger. That doesn't make it fun though .

Hey, I just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about you. It's just that I want to reply to this when I have a bit more energy to be thorough about it...