When someone you trusted turns on you...

... what do you do?

My husband and I are in the middle of separating. He can't control his alcoholism anymore and is turning into a train wreck. Unfortunately, he's the only person on this planet who knows my entire history of trauma. Now, he's using this knowledge against me and sometimes I swear to God he's playing mind games just to make me feel like crap.

He knows I'm very sensitive about how people perceive my mother to be a wonderful person because of the abuse she put me through, but the other day he commented on how it couldn't have been so bad and that I like to exaggerate everything so my mother is likely a good person like everyone else says she is. It was so insulting that I couldn't do anything other than walk away and then cry in another room. What could I do? His comments don't make me doubt what happened and the very real damage it's done, but it is a big slap in the face.

I'm left feeling so invalidated by the things he's saying and the way he's acting that my anxiety levels are waaaay up. I'm stuck in rituals again, living in memories and my pulse is once again tachycardic.

Why does he have so much power over me in this situation, and how do I get it back?

Hi ladyswan,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be very difficult and hurtful, and also must feel like a real betrayal towards you. I honestly think he is a toxic person in your life and no matter what his motives are for behaving like this it is best to limit your interactions with him to as few as possible. This is the best way I can see for you to deal with this as you do not need someone who is being so cruel to be in your life. However I understand it might be difficult. Please keep posting for support here.

Thinking of you

Cracked

ladyswan,

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how painful that must be. And how that must feel like a huge betrayal, in the biggest sense. Sadly, it sounds like the issue is his alcoholism. I know it's hard to separate a person from their actions, since actions can have very powerful affects and can be quite hurtful, but it truly sounds like its the alcohol that is causing him to be the way he is and say those hurtful things. I know that doesn't make it any easier...

I was in a long term relationship with someone who did crystal meth. And even though it's different than drinking, they both can have disastrous effects. It was extremely painful toward the end, and the breakup was excruciating. Excruciating. So I understand. It feels like the only person who has ever fully understood or accepted you has completely betrayed you and doesn't even care anymore. Deep down, your husband may still care for you, but he's not in a place to have a healthy relationship of any kind. He needs help. And from what you've shared, he's not willing to get it.

Just know that it's not you, it's him. It has nothing to do with you whatsoever. It's him and his addiction. I think it's incredibly brave that you are being as strong as you are. Especially during such a difficult period. Sadly there are no easy answers, and there's nothing you can do to get him to act or behave differently. Just think of it like he's under a spell. A really really bad spell.

My only suggestion would be to try to take care of yourself during this time. Even though I know you are dealing with so much, including painful feelings like betrayal and hurt and abandonment. I'm glad you are coming on here and reaching out. Just a thought, I know this might not be for everyone, but have you considered attending an alanon meeting? That might help give you some extra support from people who have been in your shoes.

I encourage you to keep coming on here, keep sharing your experience and reaching out. I offer you my support and my deepest sympathy. Hang in there...

CrackedGirl wrote: I honestly think he is a toxic person in your life and no matter what his motives are for behaving like this it is best to limit your interactions with him to as few as possible.

Very toxic, yes. I'm trying my best to be around other people atm. It's easy to get stuck in this negative rut going on in the house. By the end of the day I'm so exhausted.

-- Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:03 pm --

brandic wrote: Sadly, it sounds like the issue is his alcoholism. I know it's hard to separate a person from their actions, since actions can have very powerful affects and can be quite hurtful, but it truly sounds like its the alcohol that is causing him to be the way he is and say those hurtful things. I know that doesn't make it any easier...

Exactly. I used to work with addicts and know this to be true. It doesn't make the hurt lessen though. The duality of seeing him as an alcoholic and the person I fell in love with is very hard.

-- Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:05 pm --

brandic wrote:I was in a long term relationship with someone who did crystal meth. And even though it's different than drinking, they both can have disastrous effects. It was extremely painful toward the end, and the breakup was excruciating. Excruciating. So I understand.

I'm so sorry to hear you went through that brandic!

-- Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:09 pm --

brandic wrote:My only suggestion would be to try to take care of yourself during this time. Even though I know you are dealing with so much, including painful feelings like betrayal and hurt and abandonment. I'm glad you are coming on here and reaching out. Just a thought, I know this might not be for everyone, but have you considered attending an alanon meeting? That might help give you some extra support from people who have been in your shoes.

I'm trying. It's hard to do that with the baby with me 24/7. Alanon has been suggested to me before, but I honestly don't have the time or resources to make it to the meetings. I see my therapist about once every 3 weeks for now and can barely make it to see her sometimes.

Thinking of you hon

Cracked

Well please hang in there, and just know that it will get better. We are all here for you.