Advice needed asap

So here goes. I'm an 18yr old girl. I have been diagnosed with "emerging" borderline personality disorder with post traumatic stress disorder. Although I totally agree with the diagnosis of BPD, I feel extreme guilt for being diagnosed with PTSD. I do not feel like I belong in this category. I have never been abused as such. In my opinion I have never experienced any trauma that could contribute to PTSD. I feel like a fraud. Especially when reading the stories of others with PTSD.

I have emotional detachment and bad dreams. I also experience extreme panic attacks and outbursts of anger. Sometimes I cannot speak, eat, drink or get out of bed. I cry a lot. My brain feels very cloudy and I can't concentrate. I'm very irrational and I do not have any friends anymore. I'm petrified of abandonment to the point where I beg my mum not to go to work everyday. I do have a bad past, parents divorced, my mum is depressed and I have found her when she has attempted to kill herself. My father is an arse hole. He's abused the whole family emotionally. He's very manipulative and I've never felt good enough to be his daughter. He tells me often that I'm "wrong". I also had an eating disorder when I was younger and was hospitalised for that. I still have issues with food today, although I do not class myself as having an eating disorder anymore.
I have other health problems that have a huge effect on me. It is possible I cannot have children. I'm currently undergoing tests.
I also have problems with relationships and sex. I interpret sex as a promise of love. I give it away like its a sweet which causes me to get hurt a lot. I feel like I need to make men love me. Therefore I get used a lot. I was in a long term relationship that ended badly. He was physically aggressive. I thought he was the love of my life. He was the best part of me. After him, I immediately went onto a man who was already in a relationship. I thought I could make him love me and so he'd leave his girlfriend for me. I really did have feelings for him and I put my all into our faux-relationship. Again I got hurt when I gave him an ultimatum. He stayed with his girlfriend so I lost a friend as well as a lover. I have also been involved with a man who had bipolar and wanted to kill me, a long with a drug addict who used me.

It's clear I have issues. I'm on medication, I see a psychiatrist and I'm starting to receive therapy again soon. My problem is this: I feel like before I address my issues, I need to know what they bloody well are! I have no idea what has caused my Post Traumatic Stress. I've re-read the brief overview of what I've written above and I sound pathetic. Like I should get over it. Somewhere in that mess, I have been hurt badly. But badly enough to cause PTSD? I doubt it.
How can I discover why I have PTSD? Is there a way I can tap into my unconscious and find out? It seems like a stupid question, I should know why! I just don't. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I really feel like I need help on this one. I'm sorry if my post is offensive or is too much information for some of you. I really need your advice on how I can find out why the hell I am troubled by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It has taken a lot to admit some of that. I have not long admitted it to myself.
Thank you, Poppyfields

Obviously no one can help me... Nevermind. Ignore this post.

Hey Poppyfields.
I'm really sorry that you've gone through all this. You're not being pathetic, PTSD isn't something that is easy to get over or even accept and there may be a reason why you have it, even if it's not abuse. We are here to help you. Please don't feel that we're ignoring you, we're not. We want to help.
Sometimes we feel as though we should know why we have what we have. Not admitting something to yourself may result in suppressed information as I found myself.

To me, from what you've posted, your family issues might have something to do with your problems especially your father. Maybe his emotional manipulation had an impact on you from a young age? Do you feel your health problems contribute to your idea of sex? Do you feel that sex, since it may stop you having children, should be viewed as an act of love in itself? Or that, since your father 'abused' your emotional self-value, that sex is a way of re-claiming your self-value? (I'm only guessing here, I'll admit I'm no expert).
Have you discussed your thoughts with your psychiatrist and therapist? Have they given you any advice regarding this?
Hope this helps. Thinking of you.
DJM19

Hi, thank you so much for replying! I felt like an idiot!
I know my father has contributed to some of my problems but I feel like I cannot go on blaming him for the way I am. Blaming him is not helpful to me.
I guess I just feel like to be loved (and I CRAVE love, its quite pathetic) I have to be perfect in every way.
I haven't been in therapy since I was diagnosed (2-3 months) because I felt like I needed to take a break, I've been in therapy for around 5 years and I didn't work before my diagnosis so I felt like I needed some time. I'm back in therapy for the first time next week. Other than that, I have had no advice. My mum & sister tell me I have weird theories on dating, relationships and stuff. They get quite worried. I have no real friends to talk to. Since my diagnosis, they have all disappeared.
I have read a lot of posts over the last few days and everyone's stories have really affected me. I just don't feel like I have a reason to be this way. Its frustrating and makes me feel such guilt for being the way I am, never mind talking about it!

Again, thank you for replying. I really appreciate it.
Poppyfields

Hey there. It's no problem really. You shouldn't feel silly about posting, you still need help for your problems from time to time.
Like I said, I'm simply guessing, but I still feel that maybe your father contributed, even slightly, to your problems. You're right though, blaming him for everything isn't going to help.
You say that you NEED to be loved, like you need to be perfect. Do you think that your relationships have contributed to your condition as well? Having your trust and your relationship destroyed can be a devastation in itself.
Could you tell me a little about your theories if you can? Perhaps they might help explain your PTSD, although, like I said, I'm no expert. I strongly recommend that you see your therapist and ask them for advice about discovering your issues.

poppyfields wrote:I have read a lot of posts over the last few days and everyone's stories have really affected me. I just don't feel like I have a reason to be this way. Its frustrating and makes me feel such guilt for being the way I am, never mind talking about it!

I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way when I joined the forums, as though my problems weren't really that serious and that everyone else had been through so much that my story seemed...wrong somehow, just being there.
I know it's frustrating, but you mustn't feel guilty or feel that it's somehow your own fault. Even if you don't know why you have PTSD, the fact that you've posted here means you're stronger than you think and that you're willing to seek advice on how to deal with it.
Stay strong, poppyfields. Thinking of you (hugs)

I feel like my relationships have contributed, yes. But having a few crummy relationships does not mean I should have PTSD :/
I was in a 4 year relationship when I found out I had problems having children. My ex said he would stick by me (we're only young, we had plenty of time for that!) I was in & out of hospital having tests. A few weeks later, I found he was cheating on me whilst I was having the tests in hospital. He said it was because he felt "weird" because I wasn't a "normal girl". I interpreted that as I was broken. Therefore I wasn't perfect and our relationship fell apart.
I feel like I have to be perfect in every single way: as a girlfriend, as a friend, as a sister and a daughter for anyone to love me. I have such a strong overwhelming urge to be loved by everyone I come into contact with. If I don't do something to make people love me, no body will ever love me. Why would they?
I have issues yeah, but this does not cause PTSD. I don't have flashbacks or anything like that :/ I'm so confused! I'm very curious though to find out why I am this way. It's almost like an addiction. Everyday, I read articles, statistics and posts by doctors, psychiatrists, family members of people with PTSD & Borderline Personality Disorder. I spend hours just trying to find out why and how. It's an obsession :/
Thanks again for reading through my crap
poppyfields

poppyfields wrote:I feel like I have to be perfect in every single way: as a girlfriend, as a friend, as a sister and a daughter for anyone to love me. I have such a strong overwhelming urge to be loved by everyone I come into contact with. If I don't do something to make people love me, no body will ever love me. Why would they?

I'm sorry you feel that way because you shouldn't feel you need to be perfect all the time. Have you told anyone about this such as your psychiatrist? I still feel that, although your father and relationships didn't completely cause PTSD to occur, it might explain the way you feel in relationships with others, that any emotional abuse may add to this desire for perfection (as though you want to prove that you can be better).
I'm really sorry about your boyfriend. You mustn't feel you're 'broken' and not 'perfect'. If it helps, no one is perfect. In fact, people fall in love with imperfection simply because they feel the same. People love you because of who and what you are, not simply because of what you do for them all the time.

poppyfields wrote:I have issues yeah, but this does not cause PTSD. I don't have flashbacks or anything like that :/ I'm so confused! I'm very curious though to find out why I am this way. It's almost like an addiction. Everyday, I read articles, statistics and posts by doctors, psychiatrists, family members of people with PTSD & Borderline Personality Disorder. I spend hours just trying to find out why and how. It's an obsession :/

PTSD can come in al sorts of forms and ways. If you feel you have it, even if you don't have many symptoms, you still need to look into it and find some sort of treatment.

poppyfields wrote:Thanks again for reading through my crap

It's no problem. You deserve much better than what you've been through and I just want to help.
Still hope this helps you.
DJM19

Yeah I guess I do really need to talk to my psychiatrists about all this next week. My diagnosis is still relatively new so I'm guessing I just need time to let it settle in? I'm definitely still getting used to my meds!
You have helped, it's been wonderful to actually talk about all this, instead of just staring into space and feeling like I'm a nutcase
Thank you!

poppyfields wrote:Yeah I guess I do really need to talk to my psychiatrists about all this next week. My diagnosis is still relatively new so I'm guessing I just need time to let it settle in? I'm definitely still getting used to my meds!

I think that's best for now. See what the psychiatrist says, tell them about your problems and your thoughts and feel free to talk to someone you trust if you need more advice.
You're very welcome, poppyfields. I'm glad I could help out in some way. I find it's better talking about your problems to someone, even if you don't know them or feel confident. Even writing it down helps. If you want any more advice or help, feel free to post on the forums or PM me.
Good luck with next week and keep us posted.
DJM19

Hi Poppyfields,

I can't tell you how much I relate to your story. Would it be alright if I share with you a little about my story? Maybe you'll be able to relate?

I used to think my parents were great. Close to perfect. And yet I struggled with depression really bad starting about when I was 12. It was around this time that I developed an eating disorder. I was always in relationship after relationship, usually with guys who didn't treat me that well. But anything was better than being alone, and a part of me probably believed that I didn't deserve to be treated well, since I never really knew how to stand up for myself or protect myself properly. Then when I was about 19 (I had gone off to university) I started experiencing a lot of anxiety and panic (although I didn't know what it was at the time). Major fears. I didn't want to leave my house cause I thought someone was going to hurt me.

I always felt very disconnected from my feelings. I always felt like there was something wrong with me but I couldn't put my finger on it. I, like you, wanted to be perfect. The perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend. And yet I always seemed to fall short. And of course this caused me much anxiety.

Tons more panic/anxiety/fear from the time I was about 19 til about 24 when I saw my first psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with ptsd. I remember when I was diagnosed thinking, ptsd??? But I've never been through any trauma!!! I remember doing research and one of the symptoms of ptsd was flashbacks. Flashbacks of what? There is nothing to have flashbacks OF!!

Well, I've been in therapy now for seven years since my ptsd diagnosis, and I can say I'm pretty sure I have ptsd. I have all the symptoms. I even have flashbacks - even though I never knew they were flashbacks. They are actually more like "body memories" which is a kind of flashback where your body is stuck in the trauma even though you may not be aware of what the trauma is. For example, sometimes I don't feel safe and can't get out of bed because I feel like there is someone there who is going to hurt me. There is no one there, but my brain seems to think there is. The fear is the same as if there were someone there who was going to hurt me. That is a type of flashback, but I never realized that, cause I thought you had to relive the entire "event" for it to be considered a flashback. But basically flashbacks can be pieces of a traumatic event, even if it's just the feelings or body sensations.

From the sounds of it, you had an extremely traumatic childhood. Just the fact that your mom struggled with depression, and that you found her after trying to commit suicide... honestly that in itself could be traumatic enough to cause ptsd. Have you thought about that? Do you mind me asking how old you were at the time? I truly can't imagine having to endure something like that, and how horribly scary that must have been.

Another possibility is that you suffered a traumatic event before the age of 4 or 5, in which case you would probably have no memory of it, but you would unfortunately still have to live with all the effects of it. We carry trauma in the cells of our bodies even if it's outside conscious awareness.

Another possibility is that you've dissociated the trauma. Meaning, whatever happened, it was too overwhelming for you at the time, and so your brain stored it somewhere that you don't have access too. It's split from your conscious mind. That's what dissociation is. You say that your brain feels cloudy sometimes? That could be a symptom of dissociation - I know it was for me. Dissociation is a common element of trauma and ptsd.

Whatever "caused" your ptsd, it will be revealed in time. I know how frustrating it is not to know. And how you want answers NOW. I am the same way. I get caught up in figuring something out and I won't stop for anything!! But the truth is, you can read and research endlessly and still not know what caused you to be traumatized. That's what therapy is for. And it will take time.

For whatever reason you don't remember your trauma. Or if you do, you wouldn't put it in the category of "trauma". But our brains are really amazing things, and they are designed to protect us. So there must be a reason you don't know. Maybe you aren't ready. Maybe you're brain is trying to ptotect you. It doesn't mean that you will never know. You must trust that when you are ready, the answers will come. And most likely with the help of a qualified therapist.

I hope you can find comfort in knowing that someone else out there understands. I'm here to listen and offer feedback when I can. You can PM me too.