Advice needed asap

Oh and I forgot to add that I've learned over time that my parents are not perfect, were not perfect, and never protected me properly. My mom was very emotionally distant, and my dad was a bit controlling and would get really angry when I didn't listen to him. Even though they never "abused" me in the traditional sense of abuse, I do think I endured emotional abuse because they didn't meet my emotional needs. And yes, that is a valid form of abuse. Being neglected or just not paid attention to can be extremely traumatizing, and is emotional abuse in my book. It sounds to me like you may have had similar parents to me. If your mom has struggled with depression, and attempted suicide, she wasn't giving you the attention and support you needed. I'm not blaming her or saying it's her fault, but it may have affected you just the same. Just my 2cents.

Thank you for your comment, I found it comforting that our stories have similarities.
I was around 7 years old when I found my mum. I wanted some sweets and went looking to ask if I could have some. My mum says that when I have an "episode", sometimes she'll find me crying and screaming the name of the sweets. Since then, I have found out my father tried to get my mother to stay away from us. Thank god he didn't succeed.
My parents have definitely contributed somehow but I just don't know how!
I too often feel frustrated, I can't seem to find out how I have developed PTSD and I often find myself thinking "THERE IS NOTHING TRAUMATIC!" I still don't think I have experienced any real trauma. I'm not really physically looking after myself because I'm too busy spending hours trawling the internet for some sort of answer.
I need answers and I need them soon.
Thank you for sharing your story

poppyfields wrote:I was around 7 years old when I found my mum. I wanted some sweets and went looking to ask if I could have some. My mum says that when I have an "episode", sometimes she'll find me crying and screaming the name of the sweets.

I think you just answered your own question. There is no doubt you were traumatized by this event.

poppyfields wrote:I too often feel frustrated, I can't seem to find out how I have developed PTSD and I often find myself thinking "THERE IS NOTHING TRAUMATIC!" I still don't think I have experienced any real trauma. I need answers and I need them soon.

Well if you're willing to acknowledge it, your above experience with your mom, without a doubt, was extremely traumatic for you. I think it would be for anyone. It depends on whether or not you are ready to go there. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY it needs to be done with the help of an experienced therapist - one who specializes in ptsd and trauma.

What you are describing - these "episodes" - are flashbacks to the original event. You don't have to look any further than that. This could be a good starting place in therapy. There might be more "stuff" buried under the surface, but right now I would be content in knowing that you aren't making this up, and there's a reason you're experiencing everything you are.

When do you see your new therapist? Sometime this week? Until then please try to be kind to yourself, if possible, and trust that with your therapist and psychiatrists help, you're gonna figure this out.

Thank you I feel a bit more secure now in the knowledge that I haven't been wrongly diagnosed, I haven't got the strength to go through the diagnosis process yet again!
I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow (thursday) and my counsellor on friday.
I'm also seeing my doctor today.
I have a "team" of people looking after my case. Thank god for the NHS! (I'm in the UK)
-Poppyfields

poppyfields,

It's possible that even though you cannot see the cause of your PTSD, there's still trauma that occurred.

At the age of 18 I was in the hospital for extreme self injury & suicide attempts. The staff couldn't figure out why I acted like such a traumatized person yet had no reason to be acting in such a way. It turns out that memory is subjective and doesn't always behave like we think it ought to. Sometimes I remember abuse; other times it's like it never happened. Looking back it's also clear that all my surgeries and medical treatments had a negative impact on my psyche as well. While undergoing all the pain and humiliation of being medically abused, I survived by believing it was necessary and a simple fact of life.

So basically I spent years not dealing with the issues, because of an incomplete awareness of how it affected me.

Keep your mind open, be gentle with yourself, and with time you might see a more complete picture.

Thank you ladyswan
I really appreciate your advice.
My therapist is going to work through it all with me so fingers crossed I can work out what has caused this.