Do you, fellow abuse survivors, hate abusers?

Vent away.

Cracked

i hate them cause if i don't the alternative is becomming like them ,if i keep it all inside who's to say one day it won't all just come out in a rage? i even hate the ones that were nice because they used that to suck me in . tell me you love me after you beat me down ? break my fingers then bring me presents? i don't wanna understand them or excuses they may have for what they did.

It really depends on the abuser, and your definition.
Most abusers have been abused, they're victims too but they chose the wrong way to deal with it. Those who make no attempt to curb their urges, I can't stand.

Those who have abusive thoughts, and urges, but never act on them,I have a lot of respect for.

I don't hate the man who sexually abused me. I wasn't sad when he died. Some abuse survivors won't understand that I forgave him. That's okay. It helped me move on and doesn't help everyone. He was a sick man and he probably had it done to himself, as well. To hate something is to give them power over me, is how I think of it. I like the saying the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Hate and lover require energy, indifference doesn't. I don't feel indifferent toward my abuser, but pretty darn close.

For emotional abusers, such as my in-laws, I hate them. I feel sad for them occastionally, but I do indeed hate my mother in low and am trying to feel indifferent towards her.

yankintheuk wrote:I don't hate the man who sexually abused me. I wasn't sad when he died. Some abuse survivors won't understand that I forgave him. That's okay. It helped me move on and doesn't help everyone. He was a sick man and he probably had it done to himself, as well. To hate something is to give them power over me, is how I think of it.

Thanks for sharing that, yankintheuk... That is a really insightful way of viewing it that helps me come to terms with my own feelings more...

Cool, I am glad I could assist. I couldn't believe it when someone asked if I forgived him. They merely asked me to consider it. And it immensely helped. It was as if forgiving meant that I had some sort of power of him. That was admitting what he did to me was wrong and I had the power to forgive. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I can't imagine forgiving him for what he did to me. It's been almost four years and he continues to torment me. I don't think of him any more than I have to (which would be much less without the PTSD :/ ) but when I do, yes, I hate him. When I was at my happiest this past year, it was because he moved 2000 miles away. He recently came back home (he lives in my area) and I haven't left my house since. I'm not the only woman he's hurt. I do hate him. Forgiveness... I don't see it happening. I hate my particular abuser. Others... I want nothing to do with them. I can't forgive people who would harm each other that bad.

My apologies for poking around the forum without having formally introduced myself as well, I'm trying new meds and the moment and my head is in a fog...

Anchorlight wrote:I can't imagine forgiving him for what he did to me. It's been almost four years and he continues to torment me. I don't think of him any more than I have to (which would be much less without the PTSD :/ ) but when I do, yes, I hate him. When I was at my happiest this past year, it was because he moved 2000 miles away. He recently came back home (he lives in my area) and I haven't left my house since. I'm not the only woman he's hurt. I do hate him. Forgiveness... I don't see it happening. I hate my particular abuser. Others... I want nothing to do with them. I can't forgive people who would harm each other that bad.

My apologies for poking around the forum without having formally introduced myself as well, I'm trying new meds and the moment and my head is in a fog...

No worries. I don't think there's any rules that say you have to introduce yourself right away. Welcome.

-- Thu Sep 22, 2011 11:45 pm --

As far as the question of hating abusers.....

For me, hate's strong word. I think fear is a better description of how I feel toward that person, even though I'm safe now.

I tend to avoid people with that person's personality type.

I think I want to add to mine on thinking about it, I hate abusers if they are not sorry for what they have done. If they are sorry things get more complicated - and they have to be truly sorry and I am not sure what I would do if my abusers contacted me and said they were sorry. But something to do with sorry is important.

Cracked

Hard hard question to answer! It is sort of yes and no. I know abusers for the most part are acting out on hurts or from some mental illness they have, or maybe substance abuse.
I had an abuser in school I became best friends with later on. He only abused me one time and that was because of peer pressure on him.
I hated my Mom when I was a child. I blamed her for my parents divorce, and she was strict and over punished me. mainly spankings and grounding, not anything really nasty. But today she would probably have gotten Child protective services visits when I mentioned the punishments to the counselors. back in the 60s it was accepted. I also relied on Mom for survival. But when she said she loved me and tried to kiss me, I would be thinking "How can you love me liar? You hit me 15 different times this week." Of course I never verbally told her this. I only reconciled and grew to love my Mom in my mid 20s. My Mom also dealt with some mental health issues, but kept them pretty well hidden from the family.
One time I was acting out and hyper in the car and she started swerving all over the road, floored it and headed for a big oak tree. She slammed on the brakes and stopped about 2 feet from the tree. The tree was right in front of the passenger side and if she had actually hit it I would have taken the brunt of the impact. Scary. I was only around 7 or 8 years old then.
My Mom is gone now and I loved her and miss her. I did make sure I got it all off my chest many years ago and put everything in writing. It was probably 30 pages! She did not like it, but in my mind now she knew exactly how I had felt and what I had bottled up for 30 years. We reconciled after a few months where she wouldn't talk to me.
In that case I can say at the time I hated the abuser. But I did not understand her condition, no one including doctors understood mine, and it took years to get past the hate and understand what was going on. At least partially. I will never know the full extent of my Moms illness. She was successful in society and very liked among friends. Close relationships were always a problem for her, especially with men.
In general I do not like abusers. I hate abuse, but the people are people. I bullied some kids myself in school, even though I was usually the pone bullied. I yelled at my wife and called people names. When I called people names it wasn't simply "You jerk" or some swear words. i would deliberately attack their weakness or maybe appearance - something I knew they were already worried about or embarrassed of. I would use this and pick them apart, and a few times watched how just words could reduce someone to a crying mess on the floor, and sometimes screaming in anger and pulling their hair out because a monster was after them. One time someone said they would rather wished I had hit them than say what i had said! That is verbal abuse. I hate what I did when I did it.
I know I did it because of my condition at the time, and the fact I had suffered some abuse when I was younger.
This question is really hard to answer. Maybe there is no answer.