Having trouble at work and coping

I'm not trying to spam, but I just posted something on my last thread "Trauma From Racial Discrimination". For some reason, it didn't get bumped up, so I'm just going to summarize what I wrote there.

Basically, I've been having trouble at work because of my difficulties coping with the trauma I experienced over the past ten years. I keep on thinking about the past and future. When I think about the future, I imagine doing horrible things that would harm people who do not deserve to be harmed, including myself. I am so stuck with the past and future that I have trouble focusing on the present like I should be doing.

Even though I'm aware of this, it's still difficult to focus on the present. Especially when Asian people are still being abused in black neighborhoods to this very day. One problem is that I don't have enough power to defend them (I'm not a politician, or anything), and though I work hard to get into a position of power, it never succeeds. There is no immediate satisfaction.

I just wanted to say this because my therapist can't really seem to help me. I'd appreciate a response, but if you don't want to reply, you don't have to.

I am sorry you are struggling. Please dont harm anyone or yourself. In order to help others we must help ourselves first. This is what you need to work on. Can you write a list of healthy ways you can do this. How do you find your therapist is not helping? Would switching be an option?

Cracked

I'm trying to avoid harming people who don't deserve to be harmed. However, my mind is in complete chaos. One minute I have one opinion, and the next minute, I have the exact opposite opinion. It's like I have multiple personalities (even though I don't believe in psychiatry). I keep on having conflicting and contradictory beliefs. Wild mood swings, too.

I suppose the only way to improve my life would be to continue working hard when I'm at work. I have been doing this, but day by day, it becomes harder and harder. I'm not sure how much longer I can last.

My therapist is a very good therapist. He gave me a lot of good suggestions, but I can't seem to remember what he told me. Perhaps I should start writing it down. Or perhaps I'm in so much trauma that not even a good therapist can help me. I don't want to switch because he is genuinely an intelligent and caring person.

Today was not as bad as yesterday. I was able to focus on work for most of the day with only minor disturbances. However, I still keep imagining doing horrible things in the future, and sometimes, I have to step away from my desk in order to think about how to prevent it. Unfortunately, all these hypothetical situations I think of are infinite. I can't fix them all. I can't figure out how to prevent them all.

I don't think I can last much longer.

It sounds like you are really struggling and I am sorry about that. Perhaps writing down what your therapist says would be a good idea. When you say you dont think you can last much longer what do you mean. Please keep safe and do not harm anyone else either.

Cracked

I'm not suicidal, if that's what you're asking. What I meant when I said I can't last much longer is that I don't think I can handle one more trauma. I will probably crash like a computer if I endure any more psychological pain. When that happens, who knows what I'll end up doing.

I suppose misery seeks company. I think the reason I keep coming to this message board is because most of the people here are in as much pain as I'm in. Some people probably have it worse.

About tomorrow -- I'm not sure what will happen. I'm trying to keep my head, but I've been trying to keep my head for years. As you can see, it's not going so well.

At this very moment, I feel stable. I can look at my past trauma and just acknowledge that it is there without breaking down emotionally. If I can continue to keep my head while remembering these painful events, I can probably make it through tomorrow.

I'm going to try my best.

Keep going Kenneth there are ppl here listening. Keep safe and do not do anything to anyone else.

Cracked

Well, I made it through today. I'm glad it's the weekend because now I can spend some time to calm my nerves. I will take some time to relax, and some time to prepare for the next work week.

I saw my therapist today. I wrote down what he told me this time. He told me that I need to stay in the present. That I need to stop being a victim, and start being a victor. Finally, he told me to stop focusing on hypothetical scenarios that didn't happen. I agree. Focusing on things in the past that didn't even happen is a waste of time, and besides, I've already acknowledged these scenarios.

Most importantly, he told me that I need to speak out more. I haven't been doing that enough, but I've changed things now. Whenever something upsets me, I will speak out immediately in an assertive way.

The only problem left is that I seem to have wild mood swings. One minute I'm sad, the next minute, I'm exorbitantly happy. Being too happy could also be dangerous because then I lose a sense of reality. I'm trying to be somewhere in the middle -- neither happy nor sad, but neutral. But still, these feelings of euphoria are really bothering me.

Well done for getting through the week and I hope your weekend is a good one. It sounds like the session with your therapist was a productive one. Wrt the mood swings it might be worth mentioning them to your Dr just to ensure there is no element of mood disorder going on. What does your therapist think about them?

Cracked

He thinks it is perfectly normal for me to have brief feelings of giddiness because I am mostly either angry or sad. According to him, the mind cannot handle too much sadness, and so it sometimes switches over to the opposite emotion.

Even though it's only the morning, today, I am not doing so well. I keep on imagining doing irrational and perhaps even stupid things in the future. That, and I am constantly flashing back to the utter cruelty of what those people did to me and to my ethnic group all those years ago (if you don't remember, you can see my last thread).

I do remember what you said in your prev thread and I am sorry you experienced that. I am sorry you are having a bad day. Is there anything you can think of to do to make it a better one?

Cracked