Seeing it for the first time.

I went away on holiday last wk and had to come home. I felt so bad I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I kept flashing back to a holiday I had had as a 12 yr old and it wouldn't leave me. It wasn't just pictures runing in my head it was really as If it was happening to me again. My therapist today kept saying its important to remember that it already happened, that It just a feeling now and its not happening now. I told her I could hear her words but I just can't get them. During the session I kept numbing out and she asked if I was aware of what I was doing with my fingers? I said no? she said you were rubbing your nose like a child would suck their thumb. I was shocked, I wasn;t aware of even doing that. I know I daydream a lot but today actually sitting in front of my T and numbing out and her seeing this and talking about it to me, I really got a grasp of how I do numb out, I was stuck and said to her now nothing seems real. But I was able to pull myself back for a short time and then I said my whole body feels like its in shock. I felt hot and tingly but I couldn't hold it, it felt like I was going to go insane so I kept drifting in and out. When I stood up to leave I nearly fell over, I felt so disorientated like someone had put me in a trance. I feel sort of wierd tonight. ALmost like I am more aware of my fantasing but more afraid because it all seems that bit more real now, and thats scarey. Would appricate any imput and if this is normal? Well "Normal for PTSD.

Yes I'd have to say that it is normal for someone suffering from PTSD.

I suffer from PTSD but my flashbacks aren't like yours, they come in the form of a body memory, as there is alot of stuff that I can't pinpoint, not clearly, even though I know that it happened.

Mine had to deal with all kinds of abuse while in a relationship at a young age, and some stuff that happened throughout the 8 yrs after that.

Your T is right even though it is scary, she made perfect sense.
We recover memory's when we are ready to deal with them. Believe it or not having the flashbacks is a part of the healing process. Once you learn how to cope with them while having the flashbacks it does get easier.

I do know what you mean when you said you feel hot and tingly.. I got that as well when I was talking to my psychiatrist about it, or she was talking to me.

Thanks sadgal.
I think I still need to learn how to deal with the flashbacks. I get them and just go into shutdown or panic. I find it hard to just stay with them and let them pass, but I do feel somewhat calmer today.

I can understand that Essex.
They are hard to cope with, you just got to take it day by day, there are different coping methods with flashbacks, I believe that I may have posted grouding tecniques in this thread, in one of the pinned posts...

The best thing to do is recognize what is happening and not let it take control of your grounding.

You have to take a deep breath and say to yourself, "okay I am having a flashback and I will be fine". You have to ride it like a wave and not make it worse by entering into a panic.

It is kind of a buzz you have to wait until it processes thru your system.

You really will be fine- it just takes a lot of time. The more you talk about your past the easier it will be for you to hear it and you will continue the healing process.

It gets easier and easier every time. promise. goodluck