What's your story?

was born in london, my father was violent towards my mother and she left him when I was just over a year old, she started again in a women's refuge in another part of the country - he wasn't supposed to know where we were but he knew all along as I found out later. I grew up in a small english village and was the only non-white person there, i experienced racism in subtle ways growing up but nothing extreme until I got to the age of 15, when I was 17 I contacted my father for the 1st time and he was emotionally and mentally abusive, I went to his country and met his family (which was the best part of it) learned about the culture etc. but meanwhile the racist neighbours got worse, my father enjoyed the situation when I thought he'd help me out..I realised he had NPD, he became very cruel and that along with the racist stuff meant I became depressed and it affected my education. This came to an end aged 20 and I lost touch with my dad too unfortunately because of the culture things became difficult with the family too because I couldn't 'disrespect' him by telling them the truth so it was easier to cut off from them too which was hard..until recently, when I was told a cousin of mine (who'd I'd been allowed to meet once - with my dad's permission) had died in a car accident..I had to call my dad and he hadn't changed..he promised to tell me when the funeral was but he never did..he was too worried i'd tell my family about how he'd treated me..disgusting really, when I wanted to pay my respects..that was just a few months ago and im 22 now. My aunt (cousin's mum) is fine with me, despite the fact that I didn't go...maybe she knows what her brother is like..the thing is with people like him everyone is too scared to swap stories and talk to each other...treading on eggshells all the time. Im hoping to regain touch with the family and tell them EVERYTHING, it's the truth after all..Im having counselling now and have learnt so much about transactional analysis which helps in my situation.

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you have had such a hard time of it but I am glad you are working through it. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to post.

Cracked

Thanks Cracked, same to you too - I read your story and think that you are very inspirational to be helping other people here It feels so good to get all of this off my chest so Im happy I shared it

Thank you and I am so glad you shared your story

Cracked

Hello everyone, I posted the following in a self sabotage thread, it was mentioned I may want to post it here.
I guess this does qualify for PTSD?

I do not know what your childhood was like but for me...
I never knew when the random punishment was going to get me, be it sound a sleep in my bed or when I would be cutting the lawn and I could not hear my dad as he approached for the attack, or doing my homework it just happened when it happened out of nowhere... RANDOM, so when everything is quite to... quite running smooth, even today I get Hypervigilant I get prepared... consciously or subconsciously I will be on guard to respond.

Hi,

Have you spoken to anyone professional about this? It sounds like you need to to clrify whether this is PTSD and if it is to get some help for it. good luck

Cracked

I was coerced into sex and raped several times by someone who was my boyfriend at the time, three years ago. He would tried hurt me, and when I screamed and told him to get off, he laughed. I would tell him I wasn't interested, don't touch me, etc and he just ignored me and went ahead anyway. I was young at the time and I thought that's just how relationships were supposed to be. The last time he did it, he threatened to kill himself if I didn't come to see him, and I cried through the entire thing. A friend picked me up afterwards, and asked "What did you do to her?" (because I was crying and wouldn't talk) and the guy said, "You'd be mad at me too if you knew what I did." I visited him a few more times to get my things from his house, and he punched me and verbally abused me.

Then, a year later when I started to look for friends for support because my depression, PTSD and insomnia were getting out of control, he started telling people I was a lying slut, he didn't do anything wrong, etc etc. It plagues every day of my life. Sometimes he sends me innocuous e-mails saying hello, and I have a panic attack before I delete them. I have nightmares almost every night and I'm afraid to go out in public and I've avoided any place that reminds me of him or what he did. I have essentially spent the past three years inside my bedroom. Had to quit my job. Just now started getting help... seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and joining these boards.

Welcome to the forum Anchorlight

Cracked

Hi, um this is kind of weird for me. I have been diagnosed with BPD and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. However I don't really know what my story is. I don't remember any traumatic events that really warrant my diagnosis. This worries me. Could it be that I have buried my traumatic events into my unconscious mind? I don't know. Is it worth trying to find out what these traumatic events are? Or should I let it go. Again, I don't know.

I would really understand if this post annoys many of you. Please be honest if you don't wish for me to comment on here. I would totally understand. I feel a total fraud for writing this and this is my 5th attempt at posting on this forum. I don't feel like I belong in this category as I don't know what my trauma is!

Thanks, poppyfields

Poppyfields, thanks for opening up and asking. Your post didn't sound weird at all. Im going to tell you a little bit about me and then will answer your question. I believe telling you a little bit about my story will help you understand my answer. Growing up for me was very hard. I knew I was being diagnosed with Disocciative Identity Disorder and I knew I didn't live my life normally. Meaning, I was not into sex and drugs like other kids my age were. I was living in a recovery program to stop me from cutting myself when I started getting asked about my past. I didn't know what to say. I didn't remember anything. Then, shortly after, or for you when the time is right, I started having nightmares and they were piecing together my past. Then, I got in contact with my mom and started asking her questions because I knew I was in a safe place to break down if need be. She told me a lot about my past which, in return, pieced together the missing pieces of my nightmares. Now, I am 22 and still get bad dreams from time to time or one of my other personalities will tell me a memory they have. So my answer for you is I believe you will know when the time is right. If everythings ok in your life and your not having bad dreams or anything, I don't see reason for you digging up your past. May I ask, you don't have to asnwer, but why did they diagnose you in the past? What symptoms were you showing? Do you know? Thanks again for posting and I hope I was of some help. Keep your head up and remember, there is life beyond the things we know.