The tapes are playing over and over

It is now 5:15am. I had ten minutes of sleep before an alter (separate but related issue) decided to try to leave my house, so the bf had to stop "me" and then I was of course, awake again, and as I have horrible insomnia, I could only hope to go back to sleep.. sleep I've needed desperately for weeks now.. months?.. but instead I have the rage building up as the memories just keep coming back over and over. I want to confront people, I want to demand apologies and accountability for ways I've been mistreated. I know that I can't do so, especially in the early hours of the morning, so the rage just builds with no outlet, the memories keep repeating, the wounds reopen continuously, my anxiety skyrockets about every aspect in my life.. none of which I feel I have any control over right now.. my hope vanishes, my will is destroyed.. I have already been teetering between suicidal and distracted or attempts to cope on tiny piece at a time for days.. I cannot take anymore. I need to sleep. I physically must have a healthy sleep pattern right now, starting with sleep for as long as I need it. I can no longer function to the point where this post is probably filled with more "I"'s than anything else because if I don't get basic needs met I won't be able to do a damned thing for everyone who relies on me. My dissociation is getting extremely out of hand- I may leave involuntarily until someone inside me makes it impossible for me not to have that basic need met. And that need is just the very tip of the iceberg here. I am sure none of this is helping my seizures, so again, lack of control of even my own body. I am so angry right now about everything.. every stupid piece of emotional baggage I've carried since I can remember so that even my own parents would not have to. It is pathetic. Why did I even have to exist?
In the past it has been sorrow, buried deep so that for once I would not be made to feel guilty for something beyond my control (and yes, that includes emotions when I would slip and show them) but now I am just so enraged.. when I try to relax and close my eyes I end up opening them between sobs. This is too much for me. I have a feeling my bf, for all his goodness when he can manage it, will likely describe to me what a horrible person I am for not "snapping out of it" (hmm, gee, something my mom said to just about any response she didn't like to the catastrophes she put me and my sisters through- I'm loving being treated that way AGAIN by someone I love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) basically so he does not have to confront unpleasant emotions.. as he says, "It's not fair [for me to be depressed] because then he could become depressed." Yet he knows I support him through anything and everything, no matter what, and no matter how far he's put that to the test. But no.. no way could I possibly be worthy unconditional love and support when I have barely a shred of strength or dignity left. Right?
I have been in therapy for years.. YEARS. I do not want to ruin the lives of my children.. so I have been trying all I could to find a way to cope in a way that is not damaging to them. I don't even want to "put him through" my problems. And now as I write this, my rage just turns to more guilt. I do not deserve to live, but apparently I am needed here so I can't take "the easy way". There is no easy. And there is no way. I cannot, with any method I've been introduced to at this moment, make the memories stop, nor the emotions they invoke. So now I feel guilty.. I wonder if these assholes are happy that I feel guilty. Evidently, it is what they wanted. That way, I could be further controlled.. to hell with my sanity.

Yes, I realize that not everything brought up in this post has been about PTSD directly, but right now.. I really.. REALLY hate every person who contributed through abuse to my condition, as it is in fact central along with the depression to the state I now find myself. Suicidal ideation I have to fight, extreme sleep issues, the memories that will NOT leave me alone, dissociation, alters, seizures are not helped by this, etc, etc, etc.. as if there is not enough to worry about. And of course some degree of codependency- maybe not to degree that my ranting may make it appear, but I acknowledge it nonetheless. And yes, I am blaming others for a good majority of this!! I am so sick of having to fight feeling their shame for what they did to me and the everlasting effects! I want another chance! I want to start over and NOT have those experiences. I don't want to be the person I am now.

Hi Raene,
Well, except for the DID, I have been EXACTLY where you are now. I hope it helps even ever so slightly that I can really relate to what you wrote and you are NOt Not Not alone.
You just keep writing what ever you need. When I had the insomnia/nightmares, I was prescribed a med that is normally used for Cancer patients. One of the side effects of the med is Peaceful relief from nightmares and restful sleep. The med is called Naboline or Cesamet
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nabilone
You mentioned having been in Therapy. I think you should go in again. In fact I would highly recommend going into a Psych hospital and just telling them that you are suffering extreme exhaustion and you do not feel safe with your own thoughts.
I am here to talk to if you like.
Hang in there please. For you and your kids, you can get through this.
With Hope,
One