Ideas on how to help?

Stumbine, I have pretty much the same sort of flashbacks as you so where I feel breath, hands etc.
I was always abused for about 6 years as a child by my father, all physical and mental abuse where he would break down my confidence and make me feel as though i was worthless and useless and ever since then, with the addition of what happened to me I have completely lost my confidence. On top of this every relationship I've been in, I've been cheated on or beaten up, adding to alot of the trauma i've been handling!
A bigger blow to me was losing my best friend of 5 years to suicide 2 years ago. I now think that's the reason my ptsd symptoms have come back so strong as I spoke to her about a lot of things going on and trusted her alot. I then lost another close friend and my first love shortly after.
This has left me completely distraught and scarred by memories, with me numbness and being less willing to talk about anything. I should probably mention after the experience I first described, I didn't tell anyone for 6 months, shutting myself in my room barely eating, sleeping or speaking to anyone, which may have made my whole disorder worse.
I also get a lot of paranoia that I see him out, or one day he will hunt me down and finish the job he started. I also fear as he was never caught, he could be ruining a lot of other girls' lives and still not be caught.
I just find any therapists I have treat me either as if i'm a child or as if i am mental. This has put me off therapy ALOT but after having cbt fail, I want to try other types of therapy, as the flashbacks I have can't carry on - i begin to feel like i wish he'd killed me just so even 5 years later, I didn't feel so hurt.
I was also VERY self destructive with the use of legal pills mixed with alcohol until i'd become numb so i didn't have to think/feel anymore. There was a stage where alcohol was my substitute of food, and I would drink at least 5 litres a day. However, I have forced myself to stop this, thanks to the help of my first love and now I rarely drink, although I admit I have my weak moments when I am under a lot of stress.

Thank you for your replies

carpediem46 wrote:A bigger blow to me was losing my best friend of 5 years to suicide 2 years ago. I now think that's the reason my ptsd symptoms have come back so strong as I spoke to her about a lot of things going on and trusted her alot. I then lost another close friend and my first love shortly after.

this is my story too. I hope therapy is working out for you. At your tender age, you still have a real shot at recovery. Trust me, time alone does not heal these things.

carpediem46 wrote:This has left me completely distraught and scarred by memories, with me numbness and being less willing to talk about anything.

don't allow yourself to become too numb. It's a good defense mechanism, but once you've switched off your feelings it can become very hard to get back in touch with them again.

Pain is something that serves may purposes. It tells when to flee but it also tells us that we need to tend an injury.
For example if we are attacked by a mean dog, we most likely will not feel the pain of a bite until we are out of danger.
In times of danger adrenalin pumps more oxygen to your muscles than to your brain- so you can run!
But once the Adrenalin is gone, then we think through what happened.
When Adrenalin in up, learning is down. When adrenalin is down-learning goes up. This also explains why people who are angry do not think well by the way.
So heres my point. When our brain thinks we are safe and strong enough, it brings memories back. That is PTSD. It is not you enemy. It is there to tell you that you are strong enough to look back now. It is saying that on a level you may not even be in touch with, that you are ready to heal. Painful memories are only memories. You already survived. Now you can process it all and grieve in need be. But your subconscious is ready. Do this with help from a Professional Counselor if at all possible. They are fantastic guides and sources of wisdom.
With hope and support,
One