New From NJ..need someone to talk to..

Hello everyone. I am Jennifer (Jenn)37 yrs old, mother of 2 boys 13 and 11..I am divorced (dating a wonderful man) well..my cutting started 6 yrs ago. I left my home and moved away and got involved with 2 very bad men..1 was a crossdresser who beat me everyday if I didn't allow him to "date" men or dress up. I then found out he was cheating on me and so on..He was very mentally, verbally, emotionally abusive as well..I used to weight 355lbs so he called me fat everyday and put me down. The cutting started when I was washing the dishes after a big fight and accidentally got cut and the pain was so bad..but it took away the pain i was feeling due to the fight. Well..after everyday he beat me..I would "cut" I left him after 3 yrs and jumped back into yet ANOTHER abusive relationship..I was being controlled.he kept me locked in the apartment..I couldnt go anywhere, couldnt have friends. he took the phone out when he left...If i had a drs appt he would check the miles on my car and would rig the passenger seat belt to wear I couldnt have a passenger....I continued to cut through that relationship..I left him after a year..

I left one night with me. my pug and the clothes on my back and sold my DS for $20 to get gas to come back home. I came back to my moms where my ex husband, my mom and 2 kids lived. My mom and I are very strong women so we fight a lot. We never had a mother daughter relationship...well so i do not bore you I had numerous bad relationships/dated a bunch of jerks.........so I cut for the year I came back..well ive been here for almost 2 yrs..I am being sued by a family member because of 1st bf not paying rent and messing up her property and for a dr that did my appendectomy even though I had charity care..So I have a lot going on.

I have been with Michael for almost 8 months..I hadnt cut till just yesterday..I have a lot of my plate.I withdrew myself from my friends..and from doing things I enjoy..I love michael hes the best..But I do not want to always put my problems on him even though hes great and loves me for me..I have that going for me..my 1st ex bf put me in such bad debt...I get phone calls from creditors everyday harrassing me..my mom and I fight everyday..its just a lot of stress on me..and I thought I would NEVER cut again..well..I am on zoloft for anxiety and ambien to help me sleep because I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to all the abuse I suffer and still suffer in the hands of my mom.. I cannot work because i have failure issues. I do not have a car or a job..so I have a feeling that im not going to ever get anywhere in life where I am now and it just really depresses me.

I have SSI/Medicaid but the only place that takes it isn't accepting new patients..I have no one to talk to..about it.if Michael new I cut he would be extremely upset..my 2 best friends know but they don't understand that I do it because its the only thing I CAN control in my life and that it helps me feel better.. I told my aunt about it and she found this site for me.

I am hoping to maybe meet new people who understand why i do this and wont judge me. Its fall and we have had 70 degree days where im wearing long sleeves..I cut myself enough to bleed and leave marks..

Does anyone cut on top of old scars so they dont have to have too many on their body. I cut my left arm in the middle between beld of elbow and wrist..sometimes 10-15 cuts...After I cut..i squeeze the injury to make it bleed..once it stops.I put "new skin" (liquid band-aid) on it..let it heal..after 7-10 days they go away and i cut again..its an obsession again..

Hugs to all
Jen

My dear Jen, you have much still to get through, but you can do it. I cannot lie to you by saying that what you face will be easy, but you can certainly make your passage through all that is ahead of you more easy. For starters, be acutely aware that this will all lift someday, and sooner if you plan things out constructively. The court date is looming - right? - but get all necessary things for it sorted out beforehand. Be as organised as you can be with everything in your life, as this will keep you in good shape for anything that life will throw at you.

In addition, I advise you to get rid of people in your life that you don't need. You can simply do this by deleting their contact details from your email account and/or cell-phone. You did'nt make mention to anyone who is harrassing you right now, but if you feel that someone in your life is 'dead wood', then get rid of them. Lightening the load in this way might help yuo a little.

Michael would not feel too bad if he learned of your cutting. It sounds like he has a kind heart and might therefore understand. However, if yuo are not prepared to tell him, then reach-out and talk more to others here. You should also post in the Cutting and Self Injury Forum on this website (cutting-self-injury/). It is one of our most active.

Take care as always,
Kevin