Is this PTSD? I need help *May Trigger*

When I was about 16 I found access to a site which displayed videos of a terrorist group dealing with its prisoners, the al-Sunnda. I can't remember how, I just remember what I saw.

First, they bound a mans hands and blindfolded him, lay him on the floor and took a hacksaw to his throat. They sawed it half open and watched him as he weezed, trying to screep but his windpipe was cut. He died after about 2 mins in a pool of blood. They also beheaded a man but it took 3 blows to remove his head an he was alive after the first blow, you could see the pain. Another 12 were shoot in the head or torso, and some slowly died.

I haven't told my psyciatrist about this, he put his hand up to stop me as soon as I said 'I've seen terrible things'. He diagnosed me with OCD, Psychosis and depression. I'm on Zoltot 50mg and Olanzapine 10mg. I've gone about destroying my life because I feel I don't deserve to be happy, and I feel it's only a matter of time before I kill myself. I've planned it all out but I keep trying to stop myself. The things I have seen distress me, even though it was through the medium of video. I keep thinking it'smy fault, that I am a monster. At the time the videos made me angry, I wanted to kill the people who did it. Then recently I've been thinking 'I am like them, I watched as they died' and been thinking that I need to die also.

Is this PTSD or just my OCD? As I say, my shrink doesn't know of it. I'm deeply troubled, I know I have OCD, depression and psychosis, and have been a long-time drug abuser (now clean) which didn't help. I keep having flashbacks, I avoid things that trigger the thoughts, I can only recall the worst bits (I wrote down the experience all those years ago and re-read it, which is why I know the details now, I feel 'numb', and I can't see any future which is positive. I can't concentrate on anything, and I've been out the last two nights which my equipment to hang myself but came home after being too much of a coward to do it. I enjoy nothing and when I see my friends having fun I just feel like a loser. This has been going on 5 months since I came off drugs, at first I cried all the time and was majorly depressed, now I feel nothing, only constant pain in my emotion which is hard to bear.

First of all, it can't be your fault if the first time you saw it was on a video.

If it was on a video, that means it was already done. You can have no effect on the past. You didn't watch them die. You watched a video of their death. They cannot die twice so unless you were there, you did not stand there and watch them die, so you are not to blame.

Seeing things like that can be traumatic though. I can't diagnose you but I can say that it is not impossible. I hope you can find a way to figure it out.

Cheers for the reply. I remember you replying to my thread about my suicidal plans, can't remember if you took me seriously or not, some people didn't.

I know I can only change the future and not the past. I keep telling myself those things, but I feel guilt. It's very powerful over me. I believe I'm guilty, it's hard to know since I have both OCD and pyschosis.

I remember when I was 8 or 9 I had thoughts of torturing my classmates, tying them to tree and beating them with rocks. Sometimes I don't know what is thought and what is reality, don't know how much longer I can hold out. Feels like my head will explode sometimes. They thought I was psychopathic until I told them I can feel guilt.

Keep thinking 'if only I hadn't taken drugs' or 'if only I hadn't seen that' and 'if only I was stronger'. The flashbacks are with me around 80% of the day, and the rest of the 20% I'm still aware that they're there, waiting. Could be OCD I guess. I've reached a difficult point, because I my testosterone was very low after coming off drugs, so I injected more drugs to raise my testosterone thinking it would cure me. Nope. Then I started on antidepressants and antipsychotics thinking they would cure me. Nope. I'm more comfortable talking about my experiences than I was, so maybe that is all there is left to try. I have a thing were if I think about something, I will sooner or later end up doing it.. impulsively or compulsively.. so suicidal thoughts are very dangerous for me. If I think about drugs or smoking or anything, I will do it, I can't stop it.

I can kind of see where this is coming together now. It's hard to decrease a feeling that you cant rationalize... I've experienced that a lot.

Talking about it can help sure, just try not to talk yourself into anything to make it worse.

An increase in positive activities can help, too. It's really hard to do that when you feel like crap I know but after a while it is worth it. You could maybe try some kind of peaceful hobby, something that involves your mind, and eventually you can look forward to doing a thing that you enjoy. Games and stuff can also help but in your case, personally, I'd avoid any violent ones for a while. Try more peaceful and thought engaging ones like puzzles if you like games. Even moving some bright colored blocks around can be helpful.

I don't know if that can work for you, I can only say that I found it helpful and don't think it could hurt to try.

Hello, yes I will try. I keep getting the 'what's the point' thoughts but I will try and ingnore them.

I don't know about you, but I just feel so bored. I've been off work the last 4 weeks and all my friends have no left me. I had a lot of friends but it turns out they were only there for me if I was someone I couldn't be. It sucks. I'm hoping I get a call from my social worker or shrinks soon so I can finally talk about what is bothering me most.

Life feels like when you tell your boss to stick his job, but then still turn up for work the next day. In other words, I wake up every morning thinking 'oh, I'm still here.' I don't get why my trivial problems are such a big deal to me.

Stronginthearm wrote:Hello, yes I will try. I keep getting the 'what's the point' thoughts but I will try and ingnore them.

I don't know about you, but I just feel so bored. I've been off work the last 4 weeks and all my friends have no left me. I had a lot of friends but it turns out they were only there for me if I was someone I couldn't be. It sucks. I'm hoping I get a call from my social worker or shrinks soon so I can finally talk about what is bothering me most.

Life feels like when you tell your boss to stick his job, but then still turn up for work the next day. In other words, I wake up every morning thinking 'oh, I'm still here.' I don't get why my trivial problems are such a big deal to me.

I've gone through stages that are so nearly identical to that, that it's almost hard to believe. Especially the "what's the point" and the "I'm still here".

It's hard to get out of, and I'm definitely not trivializing it or trying to say "do this and you'll be better" because I know how it so NOT seems that way. All I can really do is show that I do care and that I relate to you.

This can be gotten through though. It took me a long time. And I'm not just doing lip service or saying this because I think it is socially appropriate. I honestly hope you can find your way.

Cheers mate you've been a help. I feel for you if you've been through such things.

I'll be honest, the things I decribed.. I've seen much more harrowing things, and had greater negative emotional responce, I just can't bring myself to talk about it, in all honesty I thought substituting that experience whould gain me insight into dealing with the other things. Everyday since I've been thinking of suicide, trying to move on but everything seems pointless.. just the inhumanity of it all.

I've been reading about PTSD, and I'll run through the checklist.

Exposure to traumatic event: Yes, many.
Persistant rexperiencing: Nearly every waking moment, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings of guilt and helplessness.
Avoiding stimuli: Yes. I won't eat certain foods, look at totally innocent things which remind me, I fear feeling low or guilty over other things because I can't handle them. I avoid places that remind me, I am unable to feel happy, love, affection, empathy (hence the suspected antisocial) or any postive emotion, I haven't talked to another human in conversation in weeks, stopped working, stopped looking after myself, my future seems on of death or constant punishment or utter misery.
Persistant arousal: Yes, I couldn't get to sleep in 4 months, only 2-3 hours a night, sometimes I felt so on edge I would run for 10 miles which was beyond me before, high blood pressure palpatations and feeling the blood rushing through my body.
Syptmos more than 1 month: 5 months now.
Imparement: As I said, I'm unable to cope with anything.

This all started during my last admition into ER after a drug overdose. I've been in ER with drug overdoses many times, all accidental (wasn't trying to kill myself), but this last time was BAD. I was ready to die, I held the button to call the nurse all night, the pain was unbearable I took many drugs, but the worst was I took a drug used for animals but I tried it anyway. I prayed for death for about 2 weeks after, I couldn't live with the persistant pain. Then I saw something which reminded me of the traumatic events from before (as if I wasn't traumatized enough), which has led me on months of anguish.

They say I have OCD. Maybe. They don't know that my thoughts are actual happenings rather than imagined happenings. I fear they have me on the wrong medication and wrong counciling treatment (I'm under a psychosis counciler).

I'm so close to suicide but I want to show I have more guts than that. There is no reason for me to keep fighting other than my own will to live, it's that pathetic.

Hi Stronginthearm,

Back in 2002, I remember hearing about a journalist, Daniel Pearl, who was captured and beheaded by the taliban. The beheading was tapped, and available to watch online.
I nearly watched it, but thankfully I never did.
I felt compelled to, though. Felt like I needed to see it. Looking the other way because I knew it would damage me seemed disrespectful. I wanted to be damaged, to share his pain in some microscopic way. It was the least I could do.

My point is you're not a monster for watching the video; you obviously didn't derive any pleasure from viewing it.
Likewise, you in no way contributed to the death of the prisoners. If anything you've helped keep the memory of what happened to them alive.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. It does sound like you might have PTSD; I suspect I have it myself. Talking with a psychiatrist is the best way to know for sure, I think. But perhaps you could find one who didn't hold up his hand to prevent you from speaking...

I can relate to the OCD and depression as I've got both as well. Rich in disorders, lucky us.

I hope you'll come on this site if you ever feel you may harm yourself.

Please be well

Hiya, thanks for you kind words evo, dunno why I feel I don't deserve them, but I do thank you. Haha, OCD and depression, with a dash of PTSD. That's a Hell of stress cocktail, oh man! Hope you're doing OK amigo.

I spent a few days in a care home, but I just had to leave. Bored out my mind, everyone talking about suicide and depression, I was going even more crazy.

As I said, I've seen even worse things than that video, and to be honest it's likely I have PTSD, including my many near death experiences. I'll be even more honest, it's one of the reasons I started using drugs. It masked the pain for over a year, I felt strong and able. Now I'm left without a mask, and my wounds are naked to the world.

I thought about killing myself all this morning, but I'm holding up. What makes it worse is that firstly, I keep telling myself "I'll talk about my harrowing experiences" then chicken out when the time comes. Secondly, even if I did, it seems no one is listening to me. I did talk about one thing, the video I mentioned here, and all I was told was "What's done is done." which is no comfort, I already know that. The mental health services suck where I live, they just brush off things and give you pills.

I feel like I'm constantly on 'red alart', heart pounding, sweating, mind racing. It's lessened since taking the antipsychotics though. I just wish.. I had someone who would listen, and take me through the exact help I need.

I did the best I could... I'd surely tell you the exact help if I knew it but I don't...

Let me know if you find it though... cause I'm still dealing with the car accident with my mother.. seeing her killed with the side of her head and face crushed in.. and the blood and the glass... still dealing with that moment where time seems to stop and you feel weightless and out of body a split second before everything just explodes all to hell..

so if you find the answer let me know