Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

The main feature of my emotional life is repeated memories of being bullied, starting when I was about seven. (When it ended I don't know because I don't know if being mistreated and mocked by your boss counts as bullying.)

My mood changes immediately when I am suffering such a memory. My wife notices. I ruined her day off today because when we took our recycling to the recycling center, I began imagining myself at age 13 with 13-year-old boys mocking me for doing everything wrong. She said my motions became jerky and I started huffing and puffing. We were going to go for a drive in the country and make eat dinner out and all of that but instead she turned around and drove home and said my grouchiness spoiled everything. She didn't blame it on me or anything. She knows I have AS. But she wasn't in the mood to do anything.

When I have these memories I usually wish I was never born; I fantasize about violence against the bullies; I want to scream profanities. It happens at work a lot where I don't have to talk much so hardly anyone ever notices; if they do I pass it off as a headache.

The question is: is this really PTSD? I don't know if it actually has to come from a trauma to be PTSD. I have never been beaten up badly or seen anyone killed or anything. I did see a lot of sexual harassment at ages 12 and 13 but that only happened to the girls. I didn't do anything to protect the girls and I'm still upset about that. What happened to me was very different and I didn't do anything about that either. It still didn't involve threats to anyone's life though.

26 years later and I should probably let go of the anger and all of that. Five therapists later and you'd think I'd know how.

My wife is home now. Bye for now.

this is, in my opinion, just another symptom of asperger's syndrome, rather than PTSD, though one could argue the two appear similar. i think the difference, as you're aware, is in the nature of the incident that is causing the stress. most people would handle the sort of incidents you refer to more easily and also likely have forgotten them by now too. but people with asperger's syndrome tend to have far better than average memories and they do tend to dwell on past wrongs done to them too. this might be considered slightly obsessive, though i use the term hesitantly because of its diagnostic implications. the only way to get past the problem this is causing is to really get to grips with understanding the incidents to which you refer in order to release the emotions that are pent up. that's why you're having these episodes that you describe as PTSD. those emotions are trying to be set free but because society isn't good at dealing with this process, those around you will rather you suppress them so as to avoid the discomfort they will cause them. you need to find a safe environment to express yourself fully and where you can feel you are really being heard. you also need to look back on these incidents with the intellect of an adult rather than the child that you were and appreciate that children can be really cruel and that life often isn't fair. people with asperger's syndrome get very hung up about the concept of fairness and simply can't accept that we really do live in a fundimentally unfair world. but we do. and we need to accept that. whilst we don't like it, often there is nothing we can do about it. that isn't the same as accepting the unfairness, but rather accepting that we have limited ability to influence it. if you are able to do this, you will find that eventually the memories start to fade and ultimately won't bother you anymore. but it's a difficult and upsetting process and it takes time and patience and a willingness to really dig deep into your own emotions, another thing people with asperger's syndrome aren't particularly good at as they often have a reduced ability to relate to their emotions. i hope that helps.

That is a very wise reply.

you also need to look back on these incidents with the intellect of an adult rather than the child that you were and appreciate that children can be really cruel

That's a good way to express it.

So can adults.

I'm forever reading about bullying by childen but for me the bullying from adults is even worse. People seem to forget that bullies grow up.

Adult bullies have tormented me a lot too, not as consistently as child bullies did. It varies tremendously from job to job. In my job right now it is not bad. Memories of adult bullying bother me as much as memories of school, but that isn't so surprising because the memories are fresher. Also I haven't been kicked or had rocks thrown at me since I was an adult!

people put up with bullying in their jobs, especially from their superiors, because of fears about job security. but i think you'll find that if you can release the frustration and anger you feel about being bullied as a child you'll find that the bullying at work won't bother you as much because it won't be triggering that deep seated emotion response that you still have to being bullied in general. anyway, i wish you every success in dealing with this problem.

For some the bullying was relentless. Yes, i believe that could EASILY cause PTSD

One way that I deal with the unfairness of life and the anger I have against those people is to pity them. How horrible their life must be when they feel the need to treat others so badly. It drains a lot of the anger away when you realize what's motivating someone else's bad behavior, especially in children. Those kids who bullied you were probably being terribly abused when they got home. Sure it wasn't right they did that, but how sad for them.

For some reason I can't muster any pity. It might help but I haven't really been able to do it yet.

I have gone to a counsellor twice. For some reason I don't think I have mentioned the flashbacks to him. I will try to remember next time, just as I try to remember limbic tapping, try to remember grounding, try to remember that my life didn't actually end when I saw those girls getting molested and did NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING to stop it.

Molested as in just bothered or really, truly molested as in assaulted? I take back the pity comment if you really mean assaulted. I don't think I'd have any pity for those people either. Have you tried journaling all the nasty things your inner critic says to you like "I should have done something." "What's wrong with me?" We all says nasty things to ourself and we have to learn to counter it. When I find myself thinking "I'm such an idiot." "What kind of a stupid thing to say was that!" I'll stop and argue back "No, I'm not an idiot. Just because I didn't do such and such right does NOT mean that I'm stupid. Everybody makes mistakes." That tends to quiet the critical voice in my head. Also, you might want to buy a Peter Levine book about dealing with trauma.