PTSD - How do I feel safe again?

I believe myself to be a strong person. I have dealt with just about most everything that can be inflicted onto another person and still I keep pushing forward, that is until after my divorce.
I lived with a severly abusive man for almost 2 decades. I learned that if things were to change and I was to get out of there before I was killed, I had to do the changing. So I did, and now I am divorced. I should be happy - right????

As time goes on I can't handle loud voices, I can't handle any anger of any kind, I just go into panic mode. Certian phrases of words, some actions, I just can't handle them. So I go to the doctor and tell them about the issues and the anger I have. They tell me its PTSD, I broke down a cried like my heart had been broken yet again.
I don't what the PT frickin SD, I - all by myself made it out of that hell hole. I got out alive and away from that family. So I don't understand why the condition. I makes me feel broken and that I really did not get out OK, that those monsters still have a part of me there that I was unable to retrieve from them.

Is this normal after such a bad relationship? How do I over come this. I lived in such a bad place for so long that I just want to be happy and healthy again.

How do I feel safe again?

((((((((workingitforward)))))))) Yes, it's common for people who have been abused to have PTSD, especially if the abuse happened for years or decades.
You got yourself out of there alive and in one piece, that's what matters. You just have an illness that can be treated. You're the one in control now and it's your body and your mind that you have to take care of. Did the doctor give you any treatment and are you getting therapy? You're going to be ok.

Thank you,
My doctor just kinda blew it off but my councilor is trying to help me with it, however I often just feel worse in the of the session and I have the worst of nightmares. I fight so hard that I strike out or kick in real life. Its awful, my dog somehow knows when I am starting to dream and she won't sleep with me when I do dream. Her jumping down often indicated to me that nightmares are coming on.
I feel tired and edgy the next day, often very moody, but me being me I work so hard to hide from the people around me what it is that I am truely feeling. Everyone looks to me to be the strong one, always, and sometimes I don't want to be strong, I just want to be.

After the divorce was finial, I was trying to move on with my life, I was at a friend business and my truck was parked out front of the shop. My ex came and found me there, entered a closed business, made his way into the back where the office was, made his big dramatic statement, I told him if he was to have any contact with me it needed to be threw the attorneys, he went back outside got into his vehicle and rammed it into the side of my truck causing thousands and thousands worth of damages.

And this is one of the middle of the road things he has done to me.

My new partner will reach out to touch my hair and I will jerk back as if he was trying to strike me. This man has never struck a woman in his life and does not understand what it is like to have been treated that way.
Will all of this calm down over time? Does it calm down with time? time is suppost to the great healer, right?...

Yes, it can get better with time and treatment. It's horrible that your ex husband treated you that way.
Others have said that therapy can make them feel worse, when they get back from a session, but it helps them in the long run. Tell your therapist everything and ask how you could get good medication for your condition. I think there are meds to prevent nightmares/night terrors too.

Yes, it does get better, have hope, if you are strong and choose to fight you can find happiness again.

I'm a lot younger than you, but have been dealing with PTSD all my life, although I was only diagnosed when I was 17. Since then, I have been able to lead a fairly normal life and in most situations it really affects me very little any more.

It's weird though, it comes in stages. You'll go years thinking you had it beat and then something triggers something and it can become overwhelming again.

You have to retrain your mind to react a certain way. You were trained to cringe and feel fear through certain actions from your husband. When your husband reached up to touch your hair, it could have meant pain so your body prepares for it. Now you have this program in your mind that you have to start reprogramming. Every time you cringe or get angry or whatever, you have to sit down and think about what was going on and what your response should have been and then try to do the proper response even if it's only to the mirror. Doing this will physically reprogram your brain so that it starts to overwrite the bad programming that was already there.

When I work with women who have PTSD, we work with horses. Almost always, they back off when the horse so much as looks at them. All I say is that it's okay, that's the reaction they're supposed to have according to their programming. Now just try to do the exercise with the horse again. Eventually they can always do it, but it takes repetition to overwrite the bad program with the good one.

I have felt similar to you in the past. Hadn't I gone through all the effort to survive? Therein lies the truth. Living in that traumatic environment makes a person go into Survival mode. A person can live in that mindset for years and years, but it not healthy or normal and no one should ever have too. So much of what a person need to be gets denied because of the crisis. When in danger, our heart pumps faster, our breathing increases. The reason being is to provide faster blood circulation to the limbs-for flight. Thats what the adrenaline is for. But once that adrenaline leaves the body is exhausted! It is a physical reaction that doesn't take a moment of thought on our part. Now take your situation. In another form that is what your body has done for you. It helped to suppress your needs to cope with the moment. Only that moment lasted years. NOW that you are out of it, your body/mind have to catch up with who you are, who you have had to be and who you need to become. PTSD says to us "STOP" you need to tend to me. It is for your own good. It is your turn to take care of what happened to you. If you take each issue one at a time , the best you can, it is possible to get through this. I am living proof that that RECOVERY is possible. Therapy is key. I hope you have someone who is qualified to guide you through. I will help all I can...
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