This is haunting me again and again and again...

Hi everybody, this is my first post.

Soo, about three years ago my bf and I made a sex tape. I didnt want to do it because I was extremely afraid that someone else see it but did it anyway (since we were long distance at the moment I thought that if I do it he will saw it instead of cheating on me, stupid I know, still blaming myself for thinking like that). One year after that, on my graduation day, an uncle called me and told me that there was a intimate video of us in a website. I freaked out, called my bf and told him that how could he do that to me. He sweared that he didnt do it, that he didnt knew how could someone stole it from his computer (I asked him several times to erase it). Since my bf used to go to a lot of LAN parties, we supposed that somehow someone got into his PC. We didnt tell to anyone, 6 months later my mom found out, a lot of friends started calling me to tell me that it was now in several websites and even in PDAs.
My life was destroyed, I felt extremely ashamed, i started cutting myself and having panic attacks. Everytime someone talked to me I started shaking and having palpitations.
A month after my family found out I moved in with my bf. We have a really amazing relationship but I knew something wasnt right. I started therapy and everything was amazing, I started feeling better, I havent had a panic attack in almost a year and im not afraid anymore. I finished therapy about 5 months ago.
BUT, last month my bf and I started having some problems. I became really aggressive (Im working on that) and really impatient. We broke up for a few days but then we resolved everything. One day I was chatting with a good friend of us (he is older than us and give us a lot of advice) and he told me that there was something that I have to know about the video. He told me that in one of the LAN parties my bf used to go one guy he didnt know logged in to my bf PC and opened to port thru his (my bf was in the barthroom when that happened). This guy copied everything my bf had in his computer and watched the video. Then, he invented an email adress and started blackmailed him. He told my bf that if he didnt send him videos of him masturbating and other stuff he will upload my video.
I confronted my bf about it and he just told me that that was the truth, that he is extremely ashamed bc he did send him the videos and this fkn bastard still uploaded mine. My bf says he is very traumatized about this and Im feeling awful because all this time I blamed him and he was actually another victim of that SOB.
I dont know what to do. Since the day our friend told me that I´ve started having flashbacks again of the video and im thinking about cutting again. I want to kill this guy for what he has done to us but theres no way we could find out who he is. Im really confused because im also resenting that my bf never told me the truth. I dont know what to do, I dont want to go back to therapy because I know I could go thru this by myself.
I need someone to tell me that what I did wasnt bad, that im a victim and that i shoudnt feel ashamed. I dont wanna be judged, I just want my life back

Yes, PinkStars, you're the victim and so is your boyfriend. It's not your fault and you have no reason to be ashamed.
I don't know why any one would do anything so horrible, there are a lot of sick people in this world. It's not your fault one of them found a way to hurt you.
Maybe your boy friend could use some therapy, though. You two could go together or you could refer him to your old therapist.

What a load of crazyness, wow, but hey, people are in much worse situations then this, you need to set a new goal and accomplish it, be happy becasue at least u have a social life, NEVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS SITUATION THO for real keep it a secret, dont keep talking about it!!!

you prob shouldn't post this stuff on a computer especially if one 'destroyed' your life previously.. While your story is not very nice and can't have been easy to handle I do not understand what that has to do with post traumatic stress? It may have been stressful but ptsd is a serious illness that results from SEVERE stress, things that are extremely violent ect. It sounds like you may have had depression though.. many people go though depression during their lives, if this continues or re occures go straight to a doctor, if you keep cutting you will be stuck with scars. How bout getting a tattoo? or drawing in red on your wrists when you feel like cutting? Do you go to a gym or something? Hit a punch bag or if you can't do that punch a pillow

And before anyone starts that crap they have been on about with me. How would you know you can't blah blah I HAVE PTSD. I know what I'm talking about,as I always do or I present my thoughts in theoretical ways...

If video i uploaded on website this mean it is leaked by u boyfriend. he telling lie with you..........

I have to agree. This does not sound like PTSD. If you have been diagnosed and left out details fine, other wise I think you are mistaken in posting in this forum.
You made a stupid choice and made a video. Now the consequences have happened and its tough to deal with. Now you are powerless as to who will see it. There is nothing you can do but accept responsibility for making a dumb choice and move on. Come clean with the people you care about. Everyone makes dumb choices, move on. People who love you will understand and they are the ones that matter. Not the strangers who see the tape.If Pam Anderson and Paris Hilton can do it I am sure you can too. I just don't think this is such a huge deal. You were naked having sex and a few people might now see that you have had sex. Life can get a whole lot worse.
O