Flashbacks Flashbacks Flashbacks

Since moving back to the area of my original abuse, and dealing with my original abuser (my now-elderly father), I find myself inundated with memories and flashbacks. I have DID, so I'm an expert at dissociating and forgetting, but over the years and due to therapy, and hard work, my dissociation is less severe. Thank gods. But I find myself just inundated with flashbacks (such as what woke me up tonight and I almost lost it) and memories (which make things just plain miserable, and wear me out trying to continually push them back). I find myself at a level of anxiety which is unreal - constantly wanting to flee or scream/fight, and constantly angry and suicidally idealistic. I got cut off from my therapist because of moving, and the only place that has therapy nearby is in the exact area of the abuse - which always puts me on edge or worse, so I never, ever go there unless its absolutely mandatory (taking my dad to the doctors). I find myself about ready to explode, and am fighting back full dissociations constantly, which would be the worst thing to happen (I'm tired of losing everything I own when I abreact and have a fugue).

Any working suggestions on how to deal with flashbacks like this? I'm running out of resources, and have to hold it together until I can get out of this situation (without doing it the hard way). Thanks.

Hi, Madelene! Is there any one that you can rely on there with you? You could ask them to hold you or you could talk to them until you feel a bit better. I know that not a lot works when you have a really bad trigger, but it's actually possible to get used to the situation you're in and the triggers get smaller. You have to keep reminding yourself of where you are and of the fact that you're a strong person, in complete control of your own body. Stop everything you're doing and tell yourself that you won't let anything harm you now and that you're a different, strong person.
Why do you have to be there and take care of your father? No one should be expected to have to deal with this, but I can understand why you'd want to help him.

Forgetting memories of abuse for too long, can have long term affects.

According to the book the paranoia switch, by Martha Stout, once a traumatic memory is blacked out it still makes the person upset.

You're better off remembering. I know that when I remember what happened to me, it helps me solve the problem more, and does not leave me as haunted.

Hi. Thank you both.

I'm alone here, my nearest friend is 45 minutes away. So any "holding" or anything like that is out of the question, especially at 2:00 in the morning. I'm trying to get out of this situation now. I want to be a "good daughter" but I have to realize that to my narcissistic dad I will never be a good daughter no matter how much I do or try to "prove" to him. He was very abusive when I was growing up, now not so much so, but just because I've learned to handle situations better doesn't mean (obviously!) that I'm well yet. I have to live with the fact I may never be.

I wish I'd had a choice in the not remembering, but it was a survival mechanism. I went for years (32 of them) with absolutely no recognition of a childhood (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and years (20 of them) with no recognition of being a teenager, I didn't remember half of my 20s either. It wasn't until I was 32 that I was diagnosed and everything came falling down, and I've been working on it since then. It hasn't been easy - but now I can keep myself from having fugues (though I fear the fugues horrifically!). I try to take responsibility for my DID, and that's why I address the severe PTSD which it is based on. It was what my shrink had said to do, since I can't afford to go into the deep therapy I'd need to address this all. So far it's worked, though its a real struggle right now.

I'm going to put up notes that say, "This is now!" or something! lol That's a good call. Thanks.

Madelene, you can always post here when you feel triggered! Sorry it took me a while to reply.
Could you hire someone to help you take care of your dad?

Madelene:

I write about it. For me writing is the ultimate tool to fight my PTSD with. I am very fortunate that while I did dissociate regularly during my abuse, I never fully became DID. There are plenty of memories that are fuzzy, but for the most part I know what is going on and what went on.

It’s important not to dwell in the past but I also find that in the cases of flashbacks it is important not to dismiss it. We have to constantly go through this exercise of recognize and release. Basically you need to actively acknowledge what happened, how you feel… and then let it go.

So this is what I do and have done.

1. Recognize when you are having a flash back. Write a note about it in your journal (carry it with you)
2. Once you are in a safe quite place pull out your journal and look at what triggered you.
3. Write about it, just that event…
4. Bring that event into your current life and give it positive closure

So let me give you an example…

I have a fear of the typical grocery store, LOL I know… So this weekend I promised my boyfriend I would get muffins.

I go into the grocery store and experience a flash back…
Stop and write: “Grocery story flash back anxiety dark figure.”
I actually waited to write my note until I was back in the car… no need to prolong the unpleasant experience, the point is that you just write enough so that you will be able to remember details when you write later.
That afternoon after my Fiance left I went back to my Journal… OK What exactly was my flashback about? Sometimes mine are non specific… which as I understand can actually be fairly common.
So I wrote, I felt like I did when I was with my X-boyfriend, he was abusive and knew how uncomfortable I am in grocery stores… my mom would always have the most important conversations with me in the grocery store… it was the place I felt closest to her. Grocery stores must remind me of her.

Notice I didn’t go into excessive detail… this isn’t about Reliving the experience, it’s about acknowledging the flashback and the cause of the flashback.

Now the positive which brings the “thing” into the NOW, and into the future.

I faced my fear and bought the Muffins, nothing bad happened to me when I went into the grocery store; I am making steps to conqure my fear of this place. There were two cute old ladies and they made me smile.

I didn’t have to make anything up, it doesn’t have to be a mind blowing positive… My fear didn’t control me… that’s plenty. It's about putting you in control of your emotions about the place, and acknowledging good things about the place so you can start to change your imideate reaction.

Anyway this is a method that has been helpful for me, hope it works for you.

Carmen, that is brilliant. I'm going to get small papers or a small book to start carrying with me. I'm going to try that! I have so many flashbacks, and I just get exhausted from trying to push them away over and over. People who don't get them can't possibly realize how exhausting it is. But I'll try it that way! Maybe then I won't be so exhausted if I just let that much come out. If I can. I'm so terrified of another fugue! Thank you!

And thank you, Jasmine. My dad is in a home, but he calls me every night, and I go see him and take him to the doctors' (in the city that triggers me! ha!) and such. He is has been helping me financially, but then holds it over my head as a weapon. He's a classic narcissist. He drives me insane. And I have to not think about all of the stuff he's done to me in the past... which makes me very exhausted and stressed. Then I have to not think about all the stuff that happened in the city, which also stresses and exhausts me.

This weekend I spent putting photo albums together, and didn't freak.

I blew out and have decided to leave. At least now I can make the decisions consciously. Before I'd just freak, black out and have a fugue and wake up somewhere else, far far away, lost everything, and wonder how I got there. So I've made headway.

hopefully it will work for you too... remember to turn it positive and congratulate yourself for being a survivor. I am certain that when it comes to surviving abuse you have to change your view of yourself... So many times it is the goal of our abusers to make us feel weak and helpless. So when you think of yourself be careful the language you use.

we can't pretend to be normal, it will never work. Sometimes I pretend that my mom and I don't have our past... it always ends badly for me... all it really does is lets her take me by surprise again... lol... It lets me fulfill her wish, she is the blameless one and I am the victim.

SO now I try to look at her and my relationship this way. I am the survivor and she is the monster that I tend to out of pity, and if she tries to make me feel guilty or harm me I can just say, well that's what this pathetic monster needs to do... I guess I'll do it a favor and pretend to be sad. Give yourself the Power with your thoughts and words.

After all what would become of your father if you didn't choose to take care of him? You don't have to, it's your choice. And so what if he gave you money or helped you out financially... that doesn't TRULY give him power over you. Sure grateful is one thing, but being a jerk can destroy even the greatest "good" deed.

Survivor guilt. Every time I think about all the dead girls, and my friend, I get survivor guilt. It could have been me, and "there but for the grace of god go I". All of that stuff. And it brings up anger. Some of that anger is because as suicidal as I've been my entire life, I'd have traded places with them. It should have been me! Why was I spared? I have no purpose! I'm messed up and completely useless. They might have gone on and done something. I know many of them did! So survivor guilt. Big time. And I want to ask him "why?" Why did he do it? I want to put my finger in his face and condemn him. Even after all these years.

Carmen is right, you don't owe him all this just because he helped you out with money. Nothing could be worth as much as your peace of mind and your sanity. Some people can even do favors and be supportive just so they can control others and make them feel guilty.