Flashbacks Flashbacks Flashbacks

Yeah. Yeah, he does that. He's a narcissist. He only helps to control or to make himself look good. He doesn't know the meaning of altruism. He plays me constantly. He plays other people. He triangulates. He always has to look like the martyr and victim/hero. He makes me insane. I have so much guilt with him (with everything in my life - I'm inundated with guilt). I want to be a good daughter on one hand, and on the other I know that I never will be in his eyes no matter what I do. I could bend over backwards and give him the moon and it wouldn't be enough because narcissists are bottomless pits. But I am constantly questioning myself. How much is him? How much is me?

All these flashbacks. I woke up from nightmares filled with guilt this morning. I realized, yesterday, going through old photos (because I'm getting rid of many pictures and making albums with the rest) that I am "stuck" in certain eras of my life. That's the DID. I still have alters, but everything is much more settled now - but they're still "there" and not "here", and I can't be "here" until I get "there" out of me. Does that make sense?

I need an exorcism! LOL Or a psychological enema!

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

LOL, an enema! I bet people could make a lot of money if they figured out a way to give someone a psychological enema
You know, if he doesn't help you from the heart, you don't have to be a good daughter from the heart either. People should only get as much as they deserve and it's not your fault that things are the way they are.

Survivor guilt.

How can we possibly compare ourselves to those who died young and not feel as though they could have done better. After all they died still holding the unlimited potential of youth, frozen in the glorious moment of highest promise, they didn’t live long enough to mess up, to fall on their face, to disappoint… and because they never will it’s hard to imagine that they ever would have.

When comparing our True lived lives to the potential of someone who is gone… we will Always fall short. But you can’t measure potential vs reality… it’s just not fair.

It boils down to would ifs, should haves, and could haves. Confusing attempts to put sense to a senseless occurrence. You will never know the answer, understand why you are here… not for sure.

But you have to start accepting that you Are here. Plain and simple you were given life while others died, and really you didn’t get a say in it at all. It just happened. And for some strange twist of fate you lived, and today you are here. It’s not because you are special, or better, more valuable, or more loved. It’s not your responsibility to live for those other girls, it’s not your job to fill the hole their deaths created in your world.

All you can be and should be is who you are.

Besides which… you can only have Survivor guilt if you have actually survived. And from here it looks like you are still waist deep in the incident. Do you think that it is possible that in some ways your PTSD is your punishment for living?

Try this exercise… Imagine that you DID die in place of someone… And you’re watching them threw mirrors… And that person has grown up and instead of living the fantastic life you daydreamt that they would… they are living the same kind of life that you are.

What would you say to them?

Write it all down.

Then go to the Mirror… Look at yourself, as if you were on the other side, dead and gone and the person you are seeing is that person that lived… And say it.

As far as your Dad goes, Never forget that what you do for him you CHOOSE to do for him. You COULD walk away from him… never speak to him again and let him die alone. Whether or not you do that is your choice… but never forget this is your CHOICE.

You said:

All these flashbacks. I woke up from nightmares filled with guilt this morning. I realized, yesterday, going through old photos (because I'm getting rid of many pictures and making albums with the rest) that I am "stuck" in certain eras of my life. That's the DID. I still have alters, but everything is much more settled now - but they're still "there" and not "here", and I can't be "here" until I get "there" out of me. Does that make sense?

Yes that makes since. But try this thought on for size… What if instead of bringing your alters Here… you let them Stay there… and leave them behind. Yes I know they are a part of you, but they are parts of you that you don’t need any more. It’s ok to let them go. It’s like a box of old cloths that you wore when you were a kid… they served a purpose, and heck as a kid they even defined who you are… but you don’t need them anymore, and know you are old enough and secure enough to simply be who you are, without their help.

At times distracting yourself, and taking your imagination off bad things that can happen helps, and instead focusing your imagination on other things. What I was saying was taking your imagination off things that may happen to you and or others, can help.

um... Kind of Confusing there ... but I think your saying stay busy and don't Ruminate. YES.
That is good advice.