Just some PTSD that I'm going through.

Eww… Don’t pop zits at work folks… I was alone in the women’s bathroom and went after a zit on my cheek and it literally sprayed the mirror.
Ya… that would have really sucked had someone walked in. LOL gross! But at least if feels and looks a lot better.

Ok on to my actually note.

My PTSD has kicked into high gear since Christmas, when my Mom attacked my dog to get to me. (long story)

The weird thing is my PTSD nightmares don’t directly tie in with my Mom. I’ve only had one dream where she makes an appearance and she had chicken claws for hands, and told me that I deserved the spider bites… Ya I woke up screaming.

In my nightmares:
Most of the time I’m homeless with a small group of people, occasionally just one person… We are cold and tired and we have to find a place to rest and sleep… So we break into this nice looking house and no one is home, So we sit down and eat sandwiches, snuggle up in a dog pile watch a movie and try to sleep. But I can’t ever rest…I have to keep a lookout to make sure that the owners don’t come back. We never steal anything never hurt anyone, just trying to find someplace warm and safe. But no matter what I do I can’t ever find a place to rest. The whole time there is this terrible fear, fear of being caught, fear of having to go back out side. When we are outside fear of freezing to death, fear of getting beaten… I’m constantly on the run.

In real life:
When I was a Teenager I WAS a “burglar”… but just like in the dream I just wanted somewhere safe to rest. I would break into houses that were under renovation or that were up for sale, and just go in and be safe. I hated going home; sometimes I just couldn’t do it. So when I couldn’t face going home, I would break in to someone else’s house. I only did it a couple times, and I always remember treating the houses with a sort of holy reverence, like I was in a sacred place. I imagined how much the owners were going to love their house… I remember being so grateful that they didn’t bother to lock their window or sliding glass door… I guess I liked to pretend that they were willingly harboring me.


Coincidentally when I bought my own house some kid broke in while I was doing renovations one night and drank some of my beer. I really didn’t mind that much, in a way it actually made me feel better.

I just always think it’s strange though how my PTSD expresses its self, instead of having nightmares about what is actually the cause of the trauma the nightmares are more keyed into something less direct.
Just kind of wondering if anyone else gets things like that.

Also… My Hypervigilance.

This expresses it’s self with kind of Wild over reactions to Certain stimulus… for instance my Fiancé Nearly slammed the car door on my thumb; I Jerked my hand away and could not stop screaming for at least 3 seconds… I even thought OK stop screaming now… but it was like I saw my thumb actually get caught, I almost could even feel it. It’s like I literally am somewhere else experiencing something that is actually happening… and it’s from little things like the door, to big things like thinking someone is standing in my room… like mistaking a bathrobe hanging on the door for my mom or something.

Thankfully I don’t get that nearly as much as I used too.

You know anyone who is just now going through PTSD, I have to say it DOES get better.

CarmenRose23, thanks for the warning about popping zits - noted

I have PTSD to varying degrees but I'm confident about coping with it. I received therapy a few years ago for OCD, but dealing with that has allowed me to deal with any types of mild PTSD that crop up from week to week. Basically, I don't let the thoughts panic me, and I certainly don't allow myself to be afraid of them. i instead let them 'simmer' in my head and then think about them.

I have dabbled in 'thieving' in my lifetime too, but recently so, and that is actually the PTSD challenge that I am facing now.

Good luck to you,
Kevin

Oh ya, I’m old hat at the PTSD game myself… It kind of took me by surprise recently. What my mom did to my dog on Christmas… it’s the little things that can really mess you up.

It’s frustrating to have the nightmares back, to know that I never really got past them. But I’m still better then I was years ago… better every day.

I myself have recently concurred a Borderline diagnosis… All together it took about 5 years but, What can I say I’m a different person. Phychology works, and you can change your behavior.

But I am intrigued to hear about your criminal past, 

I dropped of my Dog at the Vet last night! He’s ok, just time for him to set aside his doggy manhood and become a doggy younick… (had to spell that phonetically if you can help me out I would appreciate it).
It’s best for the cat. THANKFULLY the cat is far too short for the dog to successfully attempt to mate with… that and the cat is a male. It’s basically humping the air above the cat while the cat stands below him oblivious to the sexual nature of the situation. SO ya some weird interspecies homosexual kink going on between my pets. I guess it’s consensual because the cat WAS purring every time I caught them.
I miss my Fur baby though!! My dog is a Beautiful Belgian Sheppard, who just makes me laugh so hard.

I think about My Mom when I have to take my pets to the vets… Of course my Dog went off two the best animal hospital in all the lands… lol. He got really sick when he was a puppy, we never figured out what it was. But we were pretty sure that it might have been some bad dog food. It might have been some sausage that I gave him… Anyway he nearly died. It was HORRIBLE. He ended up at the animal hospital for 5 days straight… They actually let me just hang out in his solitary confinement pen for hours at a time. Myself and the vet were both of the opinion that if he knew he wasn’t abandon he would fight harder. I just held him and talked to him… and he made it.

But then this sh*t goes down with my Mother and I start looking at my behavior with a cynical eye… I ask myself Was I being a drama queen? Was I enjoying the attention? Am I just as big as fake as she is? Obviously I KNOW I didn’t do anything to harm my animal, But if she is a monster doesn’t that make me half monster?

IT’s bad enough that with this Munchausen BP crap that I have to second guess everything she says and does… but now I am second guessing myself!!

I just feel so alone in this. I have support, but… I’m the ONLY MBPS Survivor I’ve EVER met. Psychologists don’t know how to help me, the closest I can get are abuse specialists, but this it’s not like verbal abuse, it’s not like physical abuse. Because I can’t Definitively Prove the wrong doing. And while I have witnesses they are reluctant to admit there was intentional wrong doing. Just stupidity, negligence… Maybe misinformed?

But she Tortured me. Her treatments which were as varied as snowflakes, and All were ill advised.

Put your thumb in hot water after you slam it in a car door.
You have blisters from an infection? Oh OH get the needles the Tweezers and the hot water!
Cover the infected area with a nearly scalding hot rag… soak and let the toxins come to the surface, then with the needles and the tweezers pop the blisters and pull off the skin. She LOVED frost bite, and Lice, ticks in the ears and spider bites. Dog bites were always a fun way to torture, they always got infected and she could pick at the wound for a little while before it got bad enough to force her to take me in. Loose teeth were fun too.

She did it for hours every day… until I would get so bad she would have to take me to a doctor. Always a new one.

Sometimes it would be more subtle… feeding me everything on the Dentists DO NOT EAT list after I had my Wisdom teeth removed.

The first time I got a scratch in college I panicked. When it just healed… and nothing happened…

Well I guess If I’m alone, I’m alone. MBPS is rare, and survivors even more so.

My nightmares were back again last night this time we were preparing for a hyst but I had to have my toenails attended too… my mom loved messing with my feet. The person who was doing it just shoved a knife under my toenail. My Fiance was holding me and comforting me. He told the person to knock it off, and said, “I’ll do the job, you stay here and rest.” And I went to sleep in my dream, and I didn’t have any more nightmares that night.

You know what? - you are the most interesting person that i have encountered here for a while now. I think that what is about to haappen to your dog is that he is gfoing to become a 'eunuch' - That's what you meant? My last girlfriend called me a eunich because my sex drive was nil. I simply responded by saying that I'm not a 'eunuch', and that I'm just 'unique'... ... how sad!

Your dreams sound dramatic. my dream last night was about howe the Japanese have a secret base on the Moon. An old friend of mine sent a message to my phone this morning to tell me that she dreamed about me last night too, and that I was having a party in my 'large' house. in reality, I live in a tiny apartment and have no friends.

Despite all that you've mentioned in relation to your mother, do you actually have moments of happiness together?

Kevin

YES that is the word I was looking for... Poor baby.

What a B*tch... that isn't fair. How on earth is critisism supposed to make you be more aroused, eh people are stupid.

Damn those Tricky Japs!!

EH my dreams are usually vivid because of my Medication... an interesting and sometimes fun side effect... but they are particularly intese right now because my PTSD is kind of spiking if you will. It's just a reaction to the stress, It'll play out.

You know Kevin dear, if someone is dreaming about you and telling you about it... I think you have atleast ONE person who cares about you. One of my X boyfriends and are like that still, we broke up because while we were very good friends... we weren't quite right for lovers. He was an Aspie with Bipolar… and a touch of OCD. However he was AMAZING in the sack, sadly he didn’t have much of a sex drive either. That always seems to be the tragedy with guys who are really good in bed. It’s like a puzzle they’ve figured out so they don’t want to play the game anymore… lol. Well it was for him. I think from the Aspie point of view he had lots more interesting things to do, and when it came to sexual release masturbating is just more efficient. As I understand the idea of Sex as intimacy wasn’t something that he was experiencing. AH I still have a soft spot for that big goof ball… a truly sweet man, but he didn’t have the ability to handle me, and I didn’t have the patience to really handle him.

Ah but I digress…

Last night my Fiance slept over and snuggled me. I woke up this morning laughing. In my dream Angelina Jolie was boxing a man sized Gerbil… and my Fiance yelled at her, “No Angelina he’s only trying to sit down!!”
Angelina shot my fiancé a confused look and the Gerbil decked her with his little gerbil hand. LOL

OH yes of course I have happy memories of my Mom. But even the happy ones are kind of disturbing. For instance one is me and my girlfriends hanging out with my mom, and she was letting us get wasted on wine and watch movies with her, we were about 16…

Lots of them involve drinking.

One happy one is I remember watching a Strip tease competition with her when I was 4… was a lot of fun… but…

She can be outwardly very supportive, she can be almost nurturing, and she never let me down when it came to money… Because of her success she was able to take me on shopping trips, and I got to pick out whatever I wanted to wear… in retrospect that was REALLY cool. But at the time not something I enjoyed.

There has always been a rift between us, fear on my part, frustration and anger on hers… My brother who is Aspie was SO easy to bond with, he adored her, he gave her all the affection she could ever want and more. It seems like even the good memories of her have an aura of WTF around them.

Ah ya My life is Beset with the Autistic. HEHE… It seems like a strange coincidence except growing up with my brother I have a affinity for Aspies, They don’t lie, they are painfully honest, and their freaking Hilarious. I tend to be a very socially successful person who simply prefers the misfits. People who think Aspies aren’t funny just aren’t paying attention.

I’ve been talking with XxSmiles and my Roommate and it seems like Sociopath is a good solid diagnosis for my Mom. Normally I don’t obsess over her like this but what she did really took me by surprise and I thought I had her little games figured out… It helps me to know her… Keep your enemies closer they say.

You're still the most interesting person I am talking to currently! You have a certain 'flair' in you're sentences that i've never seen before. Anyway, i will keep this short as I am pressed for time tonight. All I really want to say is that you don't have to give anything your mother says any credit/worth at all. If you can see that all she does/saysis born from her mental 'issues', then you can see that it's illogic and not true. You can then look upon her with pity in some respects, but it should also allow you to not let her get to you anymore. If I'm not making sense, then let me know and I'll try to explain it better!

Kevin

Thanks!

That Flair is actually something that I’ve been working a long time to acquire. I write articles for fun and having your personality come through in your writing is something that tends to turn a typical Epidemiology article into something that people actually want to read. As a Dyslexic as I am my writing is actually something I do take some pride in.

I also think that my dyslexia is responsible for me wording things in a peculiar way. My roommate says that my descriptions tend to be very good. But it’s a work in progress, if you want to check out my current Fiction project I would be happy to send you a link.

So I noticed in something’s I’ve read that you are an Aspie. I find that remarkable. You seem to be particularly Empathetic, actually even more empathetic than the average person. Of course you may have also taken it upon yourself to give a caring response to everyone due to your status as a moderator. My Roommate and I were discussing Aspie empathy last night… we came to the conclusion that while Aspies lack true Empathy they develop some other sense/s to take its place, like a blind person developing their hearing. Naturally, some are more good at using this “Other Empathy” than others, what do you think?

Oh I know what you are saying about my Mother Dearest. Now that I seem to be recovered from that initial shock I am starting to see things more clearly. This was the first time that she had successfully attacked me in almost a decade! I had been able to keep her in control by playing the other half of her game, without her ever having to go to the extremes of hurting anyone. I had believed that her motivation for harming me was firstly to establish a stronger relationship with me and secondly to make her feel Needed. I had been sure that if I could provide her with what was motivating her to act without her actually having to do the deed I could keep everyone safe. I think it worked for a long time.

When she acted out on Christmas… I was horrified. Not so much by what she did… but by the fact that I had lost “control”. It made me question whether or not my “Solution” was ever working. In retrospect and after the terror, I know it was, I even know exactly why she did what she did. The day before the incident I was Skiing with my Dad, my fiancé and my mother were down at the lodge. My Father and I are pretty good skiers, my Dad is actually fantastic! We were going down the “terrain park” this is where the fun jumps are. Anyway I had just started jumping and I landed my first little bounce. I went to turn to look back at what I had done, lost control and dislocated my elbow! We went to the hospital but the whole time I forced my mother to keep her distance.

I think it was all too much for her. I believe that she required me to trust her with my injured limb, she desperately needed the validation she would get for helping me take off my shirt before the examination, putting on my shoes… that sort of thing. However, my Fiance being protective of me and knowing my mother’s history was quick to jump in and help in her place. That combined with the fact that I actively pushed her away set up the perfect storm in her emotional state.

Anyway that is why I was so determined to re-diagnose her. I had to reevaluate her motivations, and attempt to regain control.

Your mother sounds a bit like mine.
I pray for all humanity that they never meet!!
What a scary team by the sound of it.
My mum is not diagnosed with anything but I have my suspicions.She's def an alco though and amazingly after everything I'm the bad one... After all the times I stood up for her when she brought another abusive jerk home that she'd just met and the next minute they are sooo in love (and he's living with us and trying to boss me around ect)
After all the times she's called me crying and whining about something in the middle of the night and I haven't hung up ect.
Maybe I really am just a piece of $#%^ lmao