New and Trying to Heal

Hello everyone,

I am new to the board, I just discovered it this evening and want to introduce myself.

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD by a therapist just recently. I only went to this therapist for one session and ended up not going back, mostly because I feel like I can't be helped. After finding this board, I decided to phone and make another appointment (which I just did), but I am still feeling pretty hopeless.

I was verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused by my brother for about 8-9 years. He also attempted to physically abuse me, but this was prevented by my parents. In short, he hated me and made it no secret, wanted to kill me (which he expressed and threatened many times), and I ended up being locked in the bathroom or my bedroom for hours on end most days of the week with him relentlessly screaming at me outside my door. Started around the age of 9. Of course there were many dimensions to the situation and many other traumatic events associated with this, but that is the gist.

At 25 years of age I am suffering from depression, occasional self-mutilation (mostly have this under control these days), social anxiety, generalized anxiety, issues with guilt, obsessive-compulsiveness, self-esteem/confidence issues, body image issues ... the list seems to go on. I have been living this way for years. It is getting worse and I am very afraid that I am doomed to live this miserable existence for the rest of my life . I hope to find support here as I attempt to heal, if healing is even possible.


C.

Hi, LostAlone! You did the right thing by making another appointment. You need help and there definitely is hope for you. Even if it means getting treatment for a long time, you have to do it, because you owe it to yourself.
What your brother did to you sounds awful. You can talk about it here.

Hon, welcome.... anyone can be helped. Therapy with PTSD does not happen over night, or even in the months a head. For me and my abuse and dealing with PTSD, Depression etc it took me 8 yrs! Maybe more. You never forget what happened, but anyone can be helped you need to give it time ... considering you're dealing with depression, self-harm etc I think it's so important to try it again.

Also maybe even getting self-help books on PTSD, depression etc may be able to help you even.
There are great PTSD books out there and depression book.

Please do not give up on yourself, there is help out there, so you do not feel like you do day in and day out.

Thank you both for your kind words!

Butterfly Faerie, what types of therapy did you find were most effective for you? Was talk therapy helpful or were there other techniques that your therapist used that worked for you?

Talk therapy was the best thing to do, also sharing with other survivors through the internet, to know that what I was feeling I wasn't alone. My therapist (actually back then she was my psychiatrist but she did the talk therapy too) she helped me to understand what triggers were, how to ground myself when they happened. She introduced self-help books that could benefit me.... she eventually made me see that it was never my fault no matter what, and even though shame and guilt is normal I didn't have to feel it anymore. She told me what body memories were which is a flashback but in the body and not the mind, because I was plagued with them. We used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with it as well, which is good for any disorder really or problem. Just talking and understanding I found was the most valuable. Some doctors might do EMDR but she never though I needed it though later my social worker way after her thought that I would benefit from it but never did it because of the money and we didn't want to pay someone for this treatment if they weren't recommended by anyone. There's really a whole range of things that can be done...

Though actual treatment isn't easy, things get brought up that you may not want out in the open so you don't feel it, but they need to be all out on the table, otherwise you are unable to deal with them properly. I have a whole folder on just PTSD/Abuse related stuff that I did with my old pdoc.... I wont toss them out.

Wanted to wish you luck with your quest for healing.

I have similar issues and I've been seeing the therapist for almost 2 years. I'm getting better, but it's still so hard to NOT listen to those recordings(the abusers voices) saying/reacting-- in ways that show I am worthless, unlovable and deserve all that is bad.

I'm sorry your brother had such an awful behavior that affected you directly---- you, the child that was not at fault. Try hard to resist that "brother's voice-memory"-- which tries to pull you down-- resist, resist and resist.

best to you

mariposa

Hi LostAlone,

I'm sorry for your loss. And I second Butterfly Faerie by saying you definitely did the right thing by making another appointment. For myself, I found cognitive behavioral therapy was good at helping deal with abuse for two reasons:
1. the therapist gave a safe and supportive ear, so I could tell my story and integrate it into my life (which is critical to healing trauma)
2. with their support, I was able to take small (and sometimes big) ACTIONS which kept making things better, albeit gradually.

Do I still suffer from the effects of PTSD? A bit, but I promise you it gets better with time (and with therapy). Two things that really helped me heal:
1. reading/listening to a lot of self-help material (good for washing away the negative programming received as a child)
2. eventually moving away from the negative environment that caused the PTSD

Definitely recommend #1. I'm a whole lot happier now.

I hope this helps, I'm rooting for you.