this illness is tearing me apart

I been in therapy talking about my abuse,etc. Its still awkward for me to talk about this stuff because I always feel that maybe Im making a bigger deal out of my pain than it really it is. Maybe I shouldn't believe that.

My family was very dysfunctional, very. I grew up a neglected life. The only people who were there for me were my older brother and an aunt, once in a while. My brother left home when he was sixteen though, because he couldn't take it anymore. Our dad was an drinker and he died shortly before my brother left home. My mom was perpetually useless as a parent, caretaker or just about anything to me as a kid. She was emotionally cold and insensitive to me most of my childhood. I was also sexually abused.
I can't tell my whole story in a whole paragraph, but you probably get the idea.

I've gone through phases of denial over the last several years, where I started dealing with it, then a few months later I "stuff it away" again, just to have it come back again. But I been consistently in therapy, talking about it for 2 years now, but these last few weeks are extremely difficult for me.

I can't take it anymore lately. I been having trouble sleeping constantly lately. The memories are coming all the time now, and my body feels like a tension rod all the time. I been in therapy talking about this for 2 years, but lately the memories, the stress is been overwhelming me lately. I used to keep it at a distance from me, but my brain can't stop it anymore. My therapists says its because it's time for this stuff to really come out, but im really scared. I feel like im gonna collapse.

Im not super depressed or suicidal. I just want it to be over. Im so tired. I been avoiding taking any sedatives or sleeping pills, even though they might actually work. I hate taking pills, i take enough pills already. I'm on wellbutrin and zoloft. I been crying nonstop for the last week, and I can't seem to stop it. I really hope this becomes a lot more manageable soon.

Hang in there my friend - Keep it all together for at least a little while more. You seem to be breaking apart inside your head, but you can stick it together - if even temporarily - to stop it falling apart. Your past was a bad one, if even terrible. Do'nt let it define your future though. What happened is done and dusted, okay? It does not have to be carried forward with you intio your future. At the moment, you are carrying all of the burden of your past, but you can simply let it go and move freely forweard. You don't owe anybody anything anymore. Arguanbly, if you owe anyone anything, it's yourself that you owe. What you owe yourself is the opportunity to succeed and do great things - I know that you have it in you.

Kevin