The selfhood of trauma

Hi Everyone,

It's my first time posting in this forum. I have trouble identifying the things that I experienced in my life as traumas. And so, it feels like I can't get well.

I don't know how to relate to the trauma, primarily because I didn't have emotional reactions to them at the time. But of course I hear that's what happens, to diagnose ptsd because trauma's weren't being dealt with at the time.

I will share with you strangers on the internet here what exactly were the stories that entailed my diagnosis as such and in hope that it will appease the symptoms of suicide that I have now.

At a young age of about five or six years, I was molested buy my eldest brother who was thirteen years older than me. He certainly crossed the line, but the molestation seemed problematic because when I eventually told him that I was scared and no longer wanted those things to continue, he stopped. He used to tell me that he would go to jail if I told anyone, and of course I never told anyone, but once it stopped I tried in my best to forgive him because he was my brother and I was supposed to love him.

For the duration of my preteen years I tried to kill myself. I also tried to divulge the information to my mother, but it came out in a lie, and I told her that a stranger hurt me instead. Then, when I was sixteen, my brother killed himself, and I was no longer able to get that support from my mother because he was her first born, dead child. She knew about the molestation but ceased to really believe me because of the initial lie. And of course he became untouchable, and could never be seen as a perpetrator. I of course could not feel sadness that he was gone, and this led me to believe that I was even more of a "bad" human being because all the feelings of anger I felt weren't sound enough, all odds were against me. Today I still don't feel sadness that he is gone. I am still happy that he killed himself. Yet, I'm twenty-six now, and I wish I could feel the compassion of sadness for a dead sibling. But I cannot.

The years went by and after I entered college in new york, I left after the first semester to live with a man in another country who I'd just met on the street, and feel in "love" with. I lived there for eight months. There were other traumas there too, but the primary one would be when he ended up hitting me, twice. I left soon after though. I did feel incredibly unsafe there. After I came home I had nightmares for weeks.

Three years ago I became involved with another man, and we got pregnant accidently. I had gone back to college to finish what I had quit. He did not want a baby. But I did. I couldn't bare the abortion because I was damaging myself, let alone killing my pregnancy and soon to be first child. But I didn't know how wonderful it could be, once again I was trying to make this person happy at the expense of my own self.

A year after the abortion I tried numerous times, in numerous ways to kill myself, details of which I will not divulge here lest I upset another. I went into a hospital for a week, and this was the start of the diagnosis'.

Not it is two years after the hospitalization, and I have been continuing to find my passion in life, and for life all the while rationalizing my traumatic selfhood. I find I have to make it so the trauma was never there in order t feel like I'm worth something. All the things I have accomplished in life don't feel like accomplishments and I can't find them to be. I fear that I've been desensitized and won't obtain even a glimpse into a passion in life.

I somehow think I can escape. I often believe I should. I know I would be causing pain to others. I don't want that, but I want to feel empowered. Thoughts about the freedom to kill myself are often the only things lately that make me feel empowered. It's both a contradiction to the nature of survival and an affirmation of my selfhood.

Thank you for reading. Please comment with your insights.

Hi,

Is your life stable right now? I mean, do you have a safe place to live and do you have a regular supply of income/money? Aaide from that, thank you for writing your brief life story. I'm sure that there are many here who can relate to some - if not all - of it. I can certainly relate to some parts of it, such as the abuse and then suicide attempts. One way you can look upon everything that has happened to you is with a positive frame of mind. Everything we do in life - good or bad - we can learn from, and this should be the attitude you take into every day.

Kevin

I am 26 years old, living on my own, so yes, I am a functioning person. Depressive, yes. I write on this forum so I can express the feelings of suicide, but I find that it seems, always to revert back to some other issue. That is why I wrote about the life experiences that would otherwise be termed traumatic and the sole cause of my depression, except I'm apt to suspect that these experiences aren't the only source. I do wish that I could have a conversation about death, and suicide without talking about the same theoretical aspects of why people come to commit suicide. One isn't always dependent on the other. And these feelings seem so very different.

Thanks for your response Chucky.

Lot1234

Here, you can talk about whatever you wish, even suicide. I think people do it because their problems seem insurmountable, but I also think that if only their life could change that they would then rather live. Like, a person who has been dumped onto the street might feel at their wits' end and might kill themselves. However, if they had a home and stuff, then they obviously would want to live.

Kevin

That is interesting. I've been homeless once in my life, in a different country, with no resources. It was the one time I felt a drive to survive and didn't have these feelings of suicide, such as I do now. It's interesting that what we percieve is so far from the truths we seek, that we endure.

I suppose I was/am reluctant to express in thorough detail the thoughts and feelings I've been struggling with because I don't want to aggrivate other's paths to mental health.

For now, I'll just read, listen and try to respond to others.

Thanks again for your response Chucky/Kevin.

Hi, considering that you have actually been homeless, I think that this would have imparted wisdom onto you that hardly any others will ever have. So - yeh - try to help out others here if you can. I think that you'll do a good job just 'lending an ear', as they say. It was an entirely negative situation to be in I'm sure (homelessness), but now you can see positives from it because you can advise others. You've seen the darkness, and you must guide others away from it.

Kevin