my story, opinions?

hii, i don't know if this is the right place to tell my story but i wanted to share it somewhere. I have to tell my therapist next tuesday and i'm terrified and i want to hear some opinions or just talk about it with strangers first. It's about sex so it can be triggering for some, sorry <3

As far as i know i was never sexually abused, and i think everything started because i have been lonely all my life or maybe my parents gave me some emotional trauma, but i don't know. When I was in my first year of high school i was very lonely and i ended up on random chat sites. I sort of grew dependent on this as a way of social contact, however eveyone would always leave once they figured out they couldn't get more from me, so after a while i ended up going over my boundaries until there weren't any left. my view on sex and attention was completely broken and i felt like the only way i could be tollerable to people was if i was 'useful' for sex, and that unwanted advances were a form of flattery, like i was so attractive to someone they couldn't behave themselves. sextibng became sort of a way to make me feel okay but was also a form of self harm. I knew what i was doing was wrong, but if i would stop i would be completely alone again.

all of this was so damaging to the way i see men, because all my experiences with straight men up intil i was 21 have been confirming this idea that men can only think about sex and will do everything to get it. I mean men online didn't care that i was 12, or 13 or 14 or if it would be illegal or anything. the first straight guy i ever hung out with alone didn't care that i wasn't interested or gay and he pulled up my shirt to see my boobs anyway (he did assure me that i had nothing to be afraid of though, because now he knew for sure he didn't like me and if he wanted to actually rape me he could have easily done so) and the first interaction i had with my roommate at uni was him asking whether i liked it best to get fingered or to get ###$.

when I lived alone i started to be more lonely and i also had more freedom to do my thing online. things ended up more intense and extreme and degrading and i was so embarrased i isolated myself. isolation has been a process ever since i started talking to men online when i was 12, but that year it just got worse. I didn't have any friends, just these men that would treat me like $#%^ online. i knew it was wrong, i knew it made me feel bad, but i also knew that i couldn't stop because i didn't want to be alone.

i am out now thanks to meeting a guy that was actually nice to me. he listened to me and didn't judge and help me to break everything off. i still feel very lonely and i have a hard time not going back at times. It's like because i'm out i can see more of how ###$ up it was and i can't deal with that weight on my own, so i need to find something to distract me, and that used to be doing messed up $#%^.

this morning i realised that my pattern of looking for people to continously treat me like $#%^ started way before i ever went online, but in a non sexual way. It scares me. i remember playing with barbies with my friend in primary school and i always wanted to play someone who was either sort of a slave or just being bullied by someone with more power. i don't know what this means, but i know it has been there for as long as i can remember.

anayway, thank you for reading my ramblings and if you have any opinions, advice or recognize some stuff please write me back. I know this is probably very mild compared to eveything else on this forum and i don't know if it counts as anythign traumatic, but i needed to share it somewhere

lis

Not much I can say and I truly hate saying this but it sounds like it may start with .. "tell me about your parents ?"

I think that will be there somewhere even if it is just to rule that out (which it very well may be).

Hope your therapist can give you some tool moving forward.