Semi impulsive buying, being a parent and feeling childlike.

Hey im diagnosed with cptsd..
Sorry a longish one.

I guess the reason for my ramblings is for accountability and to hear others experience with similar feelings and struggles

I've been noticing more and more how I get kinda impulsive and radical with buying stuff when I'm on a low... It's usually either craft related of toy related.. Mixed with wanting to give my daughter all the things I never had, aswell as fulfill a child like desire to play and get excited, a project something to focus on and in turn lift my mood...
Last month I brought loads more scalextric, now I'm considering buying a lego train track so my daughter and I can motorise her Hogwarts Express train. It is something I considered buying at Christmas along with her hogwarts train.

This seemingly monthly occurrence is leading me to believe my periods may be connected. Although I've only just started recording when they actually come. Also just through coincidence it's when my prescription for meds runs out which always means me having a gap of between a few days to a week of no meds as I always forget to get the script in time. So it could be that..
I often feel like my child has to many toys because of this, but not sure if that's jealousy from little me, or thestress and overwhelm that I feel when having to tidy her room.

But I do know that I'm still paying off paypal loan that i used to buy some family Christmas presents and my last craft splurge...

My head is somersaulting this way and that from one opinion to another and making really dizzy and hyper anxious...

It would be great to hear others thoughts and ways of dealing with similar things.. I know I cant be alone in this mad flip flapping...

Hmm wrote:


I've been noticing more and more how I get kinda impulsive and radical with buying stuff when I'm on a low... It's usually either craft related of toy related.. Mixed with wanting to give my daughter all the things I never had, as well as fulfill a child like desire to play and get excited, a project something to focus on and in turn lift my mood...

I am a survivor and so is my wife (cannot work out whether that was a good or bad - but still married after 40 years so maybe it was good)

The above could have been written by her. We still hold onto so many of their toys, she even started buying for grand children even though neither of of sons are married. And yes, it brought her joy, and considering her life, I can't complain. Just make sure your money is okay, and rather than go for a whole new something, maybe just add small somethings. Like if Lego, a few new Lego characters. or Scaletrix, another new car..

and I am the same, but the stuff has been guys things, and if I was tired or down, yep, so was my judgement. Buyers remorse. At least your daughter gets to play.

From what I know it is not uncommon. So, you are normal - having had an un-normal life. Just try to keep a handle on the money thing.

Hmm wrote:My head is somersaulting this way and that from one opinion to another and making really dizzy and hyper anxious...

It would be great to hear others thoughts and ways of dealing with similar things.. I know I cant be alone in this mad flip flapping...

You may want to spend some time reading posts on the DID forum to see if you can relate. Hormonal shifts, fatigue, changes from meds--all of those can lower defenses and make it easier for dissociated parts to come forward and take over, or to exert more passive influence.

The somersaulting from one opinion to another and feeling dizzy--those are often symptoms people report when they're switching from one part or alter to another.

Just something to consider, because dissociative disorders are so covert and can stay hidden for many, many years in people who are SURE they don't have DID/OSDD (raising my hand here...).

Thank you for you reply..
It's hard isn't, I feel like I'm living through her sometimes which I dont want for her. Sometimes after I realise I've taken over her idea or like run away with it, which cant be good for her self esteem and stuff.
I'm going to to see how much money I have in a few weeks basically if I have anything left then I'll buy it, I get buyer remorse with anything I buy anyways doesnt matter if it's like necessity or not..
Also considering a private child psychologist to negate any crapiness i've projected, she does have adhd and asd traits so could be a good call.. Thank you Terry e it feels good to know I'm not alone when it comes to parenting issues when a survivor.


Gangs all here. Dissociation is something I believe I experience a bit of as a part of CPTSD.. I wouldn't describe myself as fragmented or an us, I feel I have some parts of me that have emotions that dont feel like they come from me, occasionally in high stress environments I feel like I'm looking at the world through a circus mirror or fish bowl..
Last year after a very hard therapy season I locked myself in a toilet didnt feel able to come out had a pain attack considered crawling through ventilation system like some bloody die hard film, then overdosed on my PRN anxiety meds.. Just kept popping them in thinking at some point it'd help, but at the same time thinking wtf man I'm crazy but not being in control to stop it..

I feel I'm on the scale somewhere of DIDNOS, but as even DID is not really properly recognised in uk where I live there not much chance in getting clarification on it.
As I understand DID/DIDNOS is formed when a child under about 7 is in a situation where they feel there life is in danger or are experiencing unimaginable pain. Also I remember alot of bits from my childhood with a few blanks to specific things, but nothing truly horrific.

*Trigger warning *

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I was groomed from age of about 4-15 with other random seperate sexual abuse encounters until about 17 but never forcibly actually hurt, iykwim..
I my mum and dad both have learning difficulties... My older brother says he remembers being 2 years old because I was just born, and he was crouched in the corner crying and terrified and mum was hanging over him screaming.. I've seen similar when my younger siblings were the same age, although I was older enough to step in... I don't know I question wether that would be enough to cause DID/DIDNOS.

They where both a neglectful and mum is really a child herself emotionally with with an awful temper. But they have always tried their best, they showed us love and care when they could. They were just well out of the depth with no support.. Would that upbringing be enough to cause DID/NOS

I will have look more though, maybe post my questions in the DID forum?

Was just looking though the DID forum... Found a post from my user that I completely forgot about... Ive been around on psychforum for many many years. Before Hmm I was miss-messy then had a huge gap and a lots of self growth and felt I'd outgrown that user so made Hmm. I knew I'd previously posted with Hmm account but forgot I'd posted in DID already.

reading those older posts has now got me flip flapping all over, I've gotgo find something to distract anything...

Or I should not and stick with this rather than going round and round forever in circles, and never coming to a point of healing again..

-- Mon Jun 01, 2020 5:47 pm --

Sorry I've fudged my head.. I'm good thou

I used to think it had to be something objectively recognizable as severe abuse that went on for a long time, but it's anything that was overwhelmingly traumatic from the point of view of a young child. The job of the primary caregiver is to help regulate the feelings of their young child and show them how to regulate themselves as they get older.

When kids are very young, they can get easily overwhelmed, and if that happens often and for long periods of time (for example with ongoing emotional abuse or neglect), then the natural course of developing a unified identity is interrupted, resulting in OSDD/DID.

Disorganized attachment is a big predisposing factor, and that happens when the caregiver is loving and attentive sometimes, and emotionally abusive or scary and unpredictable at other times. And emotional neglect can lead to other kinds of abuse because no one is really paying attention to how the child is feeling.

That definitely sounds like "enough," and it's common for people to feel like their trauma wasn't enough.

There are people on the DID forum who are in the UK and they have a lot of information about how to get diagnosed and treated. I know that the Pottersgate Center can diagnose it, and that there are good private DID therapists.

Three things.

You wonder whether you can consider yourself abused as you believe others may have been abused worse. It is sort of like getting wet. A small shower can get you wet or almost drowning will get you wet. No one will say that complete drowning is not the worst experience, .... but both people are wet.

As to how well we can appear in society will then depend on what happens next/later. Some of us are very lucky and they will find a person or person who will go out of their way to give them, what at that time they need. In my case, I was at 16, and he was regarded as highly eccentric, and not well adjusted, ..but he was an amazing man and just ahead of his time. I was lucky. Most of us are not. These people are often referred as part of our "resilience", when you look at an ACES score. (check out ACES score)

Now I know in my case if things had not been so strange ( he could tell something in my family was wrong even if he did not know what) I doubt I would have responded to his advice the way I did. So maybe, just maybe, if it "had not been so bad" , I would not have come out of it as well.

Secondly- we never come out without issues.
Alcoholic
Drug Addict
Gambling
Hoarding
Shopaholic (this one is often with hoarding)

could you be a "shopaholic" .. does it kick in when times are low.


Third and final.

Don't worry too much about your daughter. If you love her as you appear to do, (seem more worried about her happiness than yours). I think she will be fine. We had two boys brought up with a father with CPTSD (explosive anger at times) and a wife who is anxiety disruptive.. So anxious she throws hand grenades in social gatherings or meetings. She actually has a list of local coffee shops she has to avoid for 6-12 mths due to her actions. She figures in 12mths the casual staff have moved on and people will have forgotten her face.
Despite that two great boys, 39 + 36 one who despite severe medical issues has been successful and the other looks like he has met a great girl and found a very good job (not great money, but doing great work)

So just love her and she will know it.