Might have to give up on my dad

Two years ago I did some deep work with my PTSD and realized that my childhood was pretty traumatic due to emotional and verbal abuse from my parents. I wrote two letters, one for my dad and one for my mom telling what I remembered, how it affected me and what I needed from them. In that letter, I divorced my mother... I don't want any more contact with her because her behaviors are just too toxic. But, my parents are still together...

My dad has not responded to anything in his letter. He keeps promising to come visit so we can talk (I'd much rather prefer a letter, but whatever works right?). But oddly, something always seems to come up and he cancels the trip. Sometimes it's valid, like my grandmother being in a coma, but other times it's just random stuff that doesn't quite ring true. He also called off the plans once because I wouldn't talk to my mother and wouldn't let him bring her with him (they have never visited together in the past, so I don't understand the prob).

Any communications with my father are strained and I keep things superficial. I used to be upset that he didn't address anything in my letter because I really wanted to work things out and have a relationship with him, but the more time passes, the less I care. When he calls, it's like he has a script of news about the family and then he doesn't really want to hear anything about me... my husband's job and my house, yes, but not about me.

I recently told him that I was diagnosed with Aspergers and he asked me if it was one of those new-fangled diseases that all the fad with shrinks - then he asked if my therapist was one of the professionals that pushed to get it in the DSM-IV. I told him the condition was first recognized in the 40's and that my therapist is an autism specialist (20+ years). I was furious with him for negating and invalidating me AGAIN... he never believes me when I tell him what's going on with my head and he doesn't think I'm capable of making appropriate decisions about my life and happiness (I won't even get into what he said when I told him I was getting married again).

And in the middle of me explaining AS, he tries to pass the phone off to my mother!!! He was really laying it on thick, too, trying to get me to feel guilty about not talking to her. When I told him I didn't want to talk to her, he got that tone in his voice that he used to use to intimadate me into things when I was a kid. Here I am trying to tell him how I'm doing and explain some of my behaviors that he never understood and he's trying to force me back into the old role. It really hit home that he doesn't really care about ME - he cares about the role I play and the image of the daughter he has in his head.

I'm seriously contemplating giving up any expectation and hope that I'll be able to have a healthy relationship with him and move him to the birthdays & holidays category... just stop trying to share my life with him in a meaningful way at all.

I'd really love to hear you guys' thoughts on this.
Thx

Plicketycat, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think I can understand a little bit, becouse I will probably want to "divorce" my mother and try to have a relationship with my dad some day.
I feel for you and your pain hits close to home. Maybe you are right and there is nothing more that you can do.
It's up to your dad if he really wants to have a relationship with you as a human being. If he only wants you to play a role, it's out of your hands. I think you should do what feels right to you.

Yes, I think you have already reached the best solution to this when you say [in the title of your thread] that you "might have to give up on [your] dad". You have given him ample opportunity to change but he has not. You've been patient; you've been kind; but now you must move on.

This doesn't have to be a completely unhappy time for you. There are definately some positives to be got from this so - if you can - have a quick think about them.

Take care superstar,
Kevin.

my mom has passed so i only have to deal with my dad. my mom was never really an issue.

it is only relatively recently i came to realize i was/had been abused emotionally verbally all my life. i made the decision that having a relationship with my father was toxic and i needed to break it off. of course it was very difficult for me, not for him in the least.

i haven't heard from him in years, which is just as well, but it still hurts. i just have to remember how much more it would hurt if he were still in my life. i can't believe how long it took me to figure this all out and i can't make up for the damage it did to my own family. that's the real heartache.

Hi, Plicketycat,
I think you dad has these things going on:
1. He is caught between a rock and and a hard place; you and your mom.
2. He is afraid of conflict and confrontation.
3. He feels guilty about failing you, and when you try to tell him about your asperger's, ect, he feels you are accusing him, as a result missing your true intent to foster understanding.
4. He is unwilling to accept any responsibility for his failure to protect and nurture you when you were a child. Therefore he will trivialize your diagnosis, your physician, and your recount of your symptoms. That way he can continue to live in the great State of Denial.
You can do with your dad what I did with my mother when I realized she was never going to grok me no matter how hard I tried with her. I wrote her a long letter, but it in an envelope, and burnt the envelope in the fireplace, as a farewell to intimacy ceremony. I knew myself and what was true about me. If she didn't want to know me on a deeper level, that was her choice.
It's a loss, but better than continuing to beat one's head against a brick wall.

Hi Plicketycat,
I am new here and it is good to meet you.
I second all that puma has already said. The understanding that you hope for with your dad will probably never be there.
Like others, I cut ties with my mother after all else failed for us to have adult respectful relationship (I gave up on the idea that she'd love me in the way that I hoped years before that).
It was a wise decision on my part, as time would show. But it hurt like the dickens for many years.
I have the twist to my story that, after a long time, I found a way to forgive her for the harm she'd done to me, and for what I never got from her.
I'd be happy to share that if you ever wish to hear.
For now, I support those who have truly tried all they know to have a good (or even decent) relationship with a parent - and there is evidence that it will probably always be this way - and so have made the decision to self-protect and have cut ties. In my mind, this is a last-ditch move not to be taken lightly... but sometimes it is the only way.
LifeSong

Hi pcat,

I do not have AS, but I do have Complex PTSD. When I went in patient for heavy heavy trauma work, I thought that my ptsd was from all the sexual abuse and rape, that I endured AFTER my parents divorced.

What did I learn? I was not completely correct. I wanted to work on my dad and my relationship and then get to the perp pedophile that had been in my life for the past 30 yrs.

I loved my therapist, she was fantastic with the trauma work. She showed me that it all started with my mother and father.
The FiRST thing she wanted to work on was my mom! I thought, my mom? why the hell her? she was married to the pervert, I had stopped loving her long ago.
My therapist insisted I do some assignments that centered on my mom, before we did anything else. That I felt sucked because I wanted to work on my trauma, Amy my therapist insisted 'mom' work first.

So in my work, I killed my mom. I made a sympathy card, i drew her tombstone. She was dead to me. I let go of the hate, no reason to have it, she was dead.
Then Amy asked would be ok to have one small session w/mom
not even 15 minutes if it did not go well? I was very hesitant, but agreed. I called my mom from trauma asked if she could come there in a couple of days for a small meeting w/amy. (god this was so typical of her, at first she said she was busy, which was a knife in the gut, my NEW stepdad said something to her and she changed and said she would be there)

Amy gave me my assignment to work on: Draw up plans for if I could have the most comfortable for me ideal relationship with my mom. She wanted me to write on paper. Gosh I got a migraine....
What I said is that there was nothing left of the "old" relationship.
So my mom and I could start off by becoming friends.
To make a already long story short,
She came, I read my letter, Amy asked if this was something my mom could respect about me, and boundries. My mom said yes of course, she started crying, saying she knew she had lost me as a daughter(i am the oldest) a long time ago and she took full responsibilty about that.
My mom and I started a new friendship that day. Sometimes I have to remind her, but she knows she hurt me so deeply that I did not love that person nor could I.

my dad came around too, and while I did not see it my little sister said that my mom and dad spoke for the first time in 30 yrs, and they were civil. I always told my sister that maybe they might talk at my funeral. It did not come to that. My dad sounds like your dad. I find my stepMOTHER very toxic, she never wanted us to see our dad even though we lived 10 minutes from each other.

I know if I put my dad on the spot he would choose to do what his wife wanted. always. So I stopped doing that, I knew it was hard on him. I loved him sooo much. He died last autumn.

There was nothing left unsaid, between him and I. my sister was still making demands of my dad, my dad would not cave. My sister has no closure, she has been a mess since dad died.

All the work I did in trauma paid off, at the time it hurt so bad I thought I was going to die. But I didnt. I am stronger emotionally than I have ever been. I hope you can work things out with your parents, I found a path to peace with both. I hope you can too.

luv&hugs,
Red
editted to correct spelling

I spent a lot of time trying to talk with my mother and reach an agreement about behavior and boundaries, but my mother is a Narcissistic BPD -- her word means nothing, give her a few minutes and she'll be right back to the old patterns. She went into therapy for a few months, didn't want to do the work, so she just gave up and went back to her old ways. I've forgiven her for the past, there is nothing to be done about it. But I can't let her toxic behavior back into my life again... she is very manipulative and pits everyone in our family against each other so she can be the center of attention and get what she wants. She spins and twists things around so much, I can't even be sure what's really going on and what really happened. She keeps the rest of us from talking to each other so we can't compare notes. I just can't trust her... so I finally had to divorce her to save my life. If my mother died, I would feel nothing... I have already mourned the loss of the loving mother I would never have.

I'm sure that my father feels like he's between a rock and hard place, but the ultimatum is self-imposed (or imposed by my mother). I never said I wouldn't talk to him unless he divorced her or anything, just that I wouldn't talk to her. But my mother doesn't even let him talk to or see my sister, who lives nearby, without her being there and then she dominates the conversation and dumps all over everyone. My dad could never stand up to his mother and he can't stand up to mine. As a result, he intimidates my sister and I so he can feel in control. I'm tired of the whole situation. Family enmeshment is the curse from Hell. I don't want to demand anything from my dad. So if it's too hard for him to deal with me and my new boundaries, I can let him off the hook and give up any expectations. My father is just too invested in the imaginary daughter and it seems so pointless to keep trying to get him to see the real me.

I have forgiven them for the past. It's over and done with, nothing to fix now. I know they did their best, but it's ok to realize that it wasn't good enough. It's the current behavior I wanted to work on; but it seems that's too difficult for my dad or he's just not interested. In either case, it's healthier for me to put some distance between us and stopping hoping fruitlessly.

At least my sister and I still get along wonderfully and support each other as we work through our childhood issues. We raised each other and have managed to regain the closeness in our relationship that my mother tried so hard to sever.

Hi, Plicketycat,
I think you are making the right decision here. It took you years to come to this resolution. Not easy. Once a resolution is reached, peace of mind can ensue.
How wonderful that you have a sister that you are bonded with, and can share your life with.
I am sorry to hear about your 88 year old gramma. These things are hard, these losses. Even though the person lived a long life, it is never long enough for someone we loved.

well pc,

I just hit a bright spot. now I know what my stepmother is. narr. bpd.

I never even thought about my stepmom that way. if she is like my totally toxic control wraith from hell, RUN, Run, Run!!!!

Do what you have to do, to stay safe and sane.
You are young of a completely different generation than I.

It is great to see younger women be able to say something, and something gets done about it now whatever the abuse, neglect
or harm in anyway. Gives me Goosebumps!


No Regrets, No Worries,

Red