Might have to give up on my dad

My mother also was a narcissist, plinkitycat, and I never reconciled with her... but this post is making me think again of my dad. On Father's Day a few weeks ago, I wrote a brief letter to him in my journal. If you don't mind, I'd like to post it here, for my dad, and for me. Living with my mom, he had a hard row to hoe. Anyway, here's my letter:

Today is Father's Day, and I want to write a bit about my father. This will be the first time I've written about him. I've written volumes about my mother (mostly in my mind) but today I wish to write a little about a man I never focused much on.

The focus was always on my mother, as she wished.
Dramatic. Flamboyant. Gorgeous. Charismatic. Highly intelligent. Dangerous. Self-destructive and taking no prisoners.

My father was in the background. A calm to her storm. A listener to me to her talking at me without listening. A one-beer man to her various addictions. A professional to her ultra-professional. A handsome man to her drop-dead physical beauty. A humorous man to her often false laughter. A mildly religious man to her abject denial of and vicious anger towards any religion that would seek to make claims on her. A man who dressed well because she knew how to dress very well, and would dress him so that he reflected well on her. A man who enjoyed a party but did not have to 'be' the party. An intelligent man but not as quick-witted as she. A man who brought home a dog to me whom I could love, to her bringing home a peacock, a monkey, and a trained skunk which would make parties more amusing. A man who did the dishes when we had a maid, vs. her answer to my question of "What's for dinner?" "Reservations." A man who tried to love her in spite of her continual open affairs and progressing addictions of all kinds, thinking that love would win out. A man who tried to love me, and I felt it. A man who touched me warmly to my memory of never having been kissed or hugged by her. She was my mother; he was my daddy.

My father was also a man who was in over his head. He did not know how to deal with her - no one did. He tried. I saw him try at first. But she was too much for him. So, he buried himself in work and took long, long business trips, international trip. And left me with her. And she focused on me. And, without him as buffer, I was nearly destroyed by her.

Much later, I took my dad into my home to live for the last 5 years of his life, as he slowly edged towards dementia and then death. And we talked. Openly. Honestly. Heart to heart. And I didn't have to ask for the apology... he just gave it, willingly. With tears. I told him I had been angry with him for a long time that he had left me with her, and allowed me to become her target. He listened, and he acknowledged that it was so. He did not know the depths of what she'd done to me, and he cried upon hearing. He told me truth from before I was born, and the circumstances of my birth, and truth from his life with her, and truth from my childhood... and it went a long way towards countering the falsehoods that I'd lived with my whole life from her that made me feel that I was to blame, that I was the 'bad one', that I was a liar, that it wasn't that way, that I made up stories, that I deserved what I got and more...

And I saw that we were both her victims. I let go of my anger towards my dad. And I was able to love him, not because I needed him as I had in childhood, but because I understood him and loved him for what we'd been through. He'd failed me. He had. And I could love him anyway.

He died not long ago. And I miss him. I genuinely miss him.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.


Thanks for letting me put this out there. I feels good to tell the truth publicly.

LifeSong

Oh pc.
I got so caught up in myself, and my own thoughts, that I didn't respond directly to you. Forgive me.
I support your decision. I understand your decision. Were it not for the circumstances that came together that were not of my doing (including my dad divorcing my mother very late in life... who would have thought it?), I would not... I could not... have reconciled with him. I am grateful that it happened but I know that it was not of my own doing.
Again, I support you. I wish peace for you and your family.
LifeSong

Hi, LifeSong,
Thank you for sharing your dad with us. Very poignant and sincere. Having 5 years with him is priceless even though they were the last 5, and very hard what with his failing health and all. Our fathers are special in our lives. I miss mine, ( he died in 2004) and I never really got to know him, but he holds a place of honor in my heart non the less.

Thank you for sharing LifeSong. I'm so glad that you were finally able to reconcile with your father. Maybe, one day, I might be able to reconcile with mine.

I know my dad loves me the best he can and is also a victim of my mother; but he also enables her and made my sis and I responsible for her when we were children even though we begged him not to leave us alone with her. My sis and I have tried to talk to him and tried to get him into counseling; but he's of the generation that believes marriage vows are for better or worse regardless of the misery. Admirable on one hand, suicidally stupid on the other.

I'll be 36 next week and I can't imagine sacrificing myself or my children (if I had any) to someone as blatantly out of control as my mother. If I were my parent, my daughter would be 11 now... which is just about the time my mother decided she wanted to have a life outside the family for a while... she basically ignored us for 3 years except to yell at us and tell us how we were always letting her down. *sigh*

Lifesong, Thank you for sharing part of yourself that is so deep, so you.

plick,
I can relate to your begging your father to not leave you alone.
I can relate to fighting your way through life and wondering why people dont see, "pretending not to see" the hell you are living in.

Mental Illness, is such a life robbing disease sometimes. For all involved.

you are survivor of trauma, I see you doing very good.
You are strong, you know what behaviors you would pass along to your children, if you choose to have them.

PTSD out of control is so scary a thought for me. I work hard to keep it level. It takes alot of strength, and I get all the help I can, and it takes me, alot. I am sure you know plickety.

stay strong my friend, you are an amazing person.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{plicketycat}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Red