Is the question worth the cost of finding the answer?

About a month n a half ago, my regular MD had me get an evaluation by a really top shelf psych. who changed my diag. from severe rapid cycle bipo to what he called "the worst case of PTSD he's ever seen". That itself scared me enough, after all these years....all these meds that only made it worse.....I guess coming clean is to admit i am petrified of what to do and wrapping my head around this thing. The trauma part comes from alot of things, mainly my insanely violent and bizarre childhood. Without going into triggering details.....i can say there is not much in this world that i havn't endured, much of my suffering capped off with a family history that would rival the Manson clan. Yes, murder is not a stranger to this tribe. Things just seem to me as one big glob of badness.....sorting out one incident from another would take introspection beyond what i feel possible....just one event can't be separated as head injuries from my grandfather's brand of atonement still impact my thought process. The question is this: how the hell do i even begin to think about opening that door!!!??? The idea i didn't deserve what i got still is new to me....i wish i could get into details without getting emotional, but i truly feel 5 yrs. old and helpless as i was programmed to do. Rage well beyond reason or self hate ......as of now i'm almost 4 months clean of SI issues that.....well, i have "stoned the crow" 3 times....once for almost four minutes. Here i sit though.......yeah, 3 times i sh*t you not. My question is where do i go? what do i do? Starting propranalol to help the flashbacks next month, but it won't change the past. Can someone please tell me what to do, to think, when i even try to think about the past i just feel sick and throw up. This can't be. It can't friggin be, and when things get out of the box i still secretly turn to the idea that if it gets worse i have a way out. Yes, that blackness was damn inviting.....too appealing. I know i don't want to wind up interred which has been made clear to be the next step should i go down the SH road again. So what next? I really hope someone here can shed some light on some manageable ways to work through a 16 year long living nightmare. I'm being honest with myself, admitting faults, talking about what i can. How do i do this, please tell me there's a way to handle something that the mere thought of confronting makes me want to scream and cry and wreck and destroy and why me? huh.....Why do i have to do this at all. I can't dance around this forever i know that......Bottom line is this: Is it worth the risk to open this up? And if so, how do i do it?

Hi, Hardcore,
This is analogous to being aboard ship, and having gale force winds come up suddenly and try to capsize your craft. All you can do is cling to the deck until the storm passes. While you are hanging on for dear life, remember that this ship cannot sink, because you are in shallow water. The water used to be deep, but then you found out what had happened to you for real, and now you are in the shallow water; i.e. you have new perspective. Your new perspective is: no matter how bad this storm is, I know it will pass, I know I am here now, not back then in that deep water, and once this gale passes I will put into port and step ashore safely.
There will always be storms to weather. Some will be real Nor'Easters! But as you step ashore after each one, you will be stronger each time.
Always keep in mind, as the turmoil is swirling around you, that you are the calm eye in the center of this hurricane, all this debris is your past experience, not your current existence.
Is there any way you can start on the propanolol sooner, like on an emergency basis? This drug therapy would be like getting a rudder for your ship!
Check out the links Armywife has posted in the PSTD forum, if you haven't done so already. There is a ton of useful information there.
I think there is no turning back now. Asking the questions and getting the answers is going to heal you in the future. As horrific as all this past $#%^ is, it is just that, past. When this feels overwhelming, focus on the here and now, where you are safe. Remember to breath. When we are scared we tend to hold our breath. Touch things in your environment. Tactile sensation will help you get grounded, especially if you touch something living, like your dog. Put on your favourite music, to distract your hearing away from the inner roar and back into the present moment.
Remember that I am here, and you will always have my ear, and my heart.

Hey HardCore - I know it's all overwhleming right now. But remember, you don't have to get into it all at once. Start slow and go at your own pace... go at this in a way that keeps you moving forward but also keeps you safe. It's a major b@tch and you sometimes will feel like you're going backwards and are stuck as that little child - a horrified, helpless victim. But the only way to help that child, and your adult self, is to dig out all that nasty garbage in your closet and burn it away with the power and strength you have as an adult.

I find that it helps to repeat a mantra to myself when things boil up and start to take me away - "I am an adult. I am strong. I survived this when it was happening. I can survive working through the memories. I am no longer a victim." To me, it's like a wound that has closed over but there is still a nasty infection underneath... you need to carefully go back in and open the psychological wounds and clean them all out so the wounds can heal.

Remember 'Core... *psychological* wounds NOT physical ones!! During the period when I was doing deep work with my childhood traumas I had a constant desire to cut, to escape this life... BUT we're not victims anymore, there are better ways to make the pain go away! We so often stuff the fear and anger and horror when we're children in order to survive, but to get better you need to experience and express these emotions to get them out of your system.

The bright side is that your mind has already determined that you are strong enough to deal with this crap... that's why you're having more flashbacks. So look at these terrible memories as a blessing, they are indicator that you are getting stronger and healthier!!

We're here for and I know you'll make it through and become an even more incredible person that you already are... you are the MAN!

Rule number one, don't ever listen to someone making a judgement against you. You only know yourself and nobody else does. How did you feel the day before you heard this doctor state his statement that you're actually getting worse? What do you think about your problem? Is it really getting worse? Are you somehow by passing your medication because your think it's not even effective? Did you ever try over dosing and thought it would help temporarily?

Okay, you were very sensitive from childhood and saw all this GORE $%^&!!!! All you see is the negitive side of life and you don't ever think you will change? Have you once in your life woke up and FEELS NORMAL? Like no more thoughts, clear mind, clear thoughts, anything? Now what was the accomplishment of stoning a bird that has nothing to do with this but is just at the wrong place at the wrong time?

How many different medication have you ever been on? Even all at once? How much mg of which? You still do drugs and drink? You smoke more than a pack of smokes a day? I don't know i'll have to read over your statement to have a better idea. What you can do in the meantime is maybe answer some of my questions or anything that might come into mind. bbl

Hardcore,

Like you, I am recently diagnosed with PTSD which the T says goes back to my childhood sexual abuse. I went through counseling 20 years ago and thought my abuse issues were pretty well under control. But a physical assault last year sent me into active panic attacks leading to the dx of PTSD.

I understand your difficulty in getting your head around the diagnosis. It is still difficult for me, and I am having problems with counseling because I thought I had "fixed" everything so well only to find out that it is still there under a new name.

I hope you find the strength to go into the unknown of this situation. I know there is help available for PTSD, but it takes a long time to re-learn the behaviors and let down the barriors that protected us in childhood.

N.

Dynamic wrote:Rule number one, don't ever listen to someone making a judgement against you. You only know yourself and nobody else does. How did you feel the day before you heard this doctor state his statement that you're actually getting worse? What do you think about your problem? Is it really getting worse? Are you somehow by passing your medication because your think it's not even effective? Did you ever try over dosing and thought it would help temporarily?

Okay, you were very sensitive from childhood and saw all this GORE $%^&!!!! All you see is the negitive side of life and you don't ever think you will change? Have you once in your life woke up and FEELS NORMAL? Like no more thoughts, clear mind, clear thoughts, anything? Now what was the accomplishment of stoning a bird that has nothing to do with this but is just at the wrong place at the wrong time?

How many different medication have you ever been on? Even all at once? How much mg of which? You still do drugs and drink? You smoke more than a pack of smokes a day? I don't know i'll have to read over your statement to have a better idea. What you can do in the meantime is maybe answer some of my questions or anything that might come into mind. bbl

[b]?????? Sorry, i am far beyond gone right now.....to tell you my life requires retrieving 12 yrs or so of missing time. Iv'e been on meds galore, and many many diag....stone the crow is a euphamism for being clinnically dead.....please be specific, and concise...iv'e climbed out of a window in hell.

Core...

Don't know how you are doing with your struggle with PTSD, but I have decided to quit my T. Every visit seems to make feel me worse instead of better. She says it can help, but I am so vulnerable and fragmented now I can't function. School starts back next week, and I am unable to face the aspect of being around people, much less doing the job I am suppose to be.

I will stay on the drugs because they are keeping me on this side of the sod for now. The overwhelming feelings of failure and inadquacy are making me homebound.

Good luck to you...if you find a therapy that is helpful or answers that make sense, please let me know.

N.

Hye nymenche - I know how you feel. It can definitely be horrible and debilitating at times. Instead of quitting T, maybe you could ask your psych to slow down a bit, not go so deep for awhile. Some psychs, though they mean well, dig too deep too fast and it adds to our trauma rather than relieves it. But, sorry to say, you will feel worse before you feel better... but the bright side is that once you feel those bad childhood feelings again and work through them they become less intense and stop controlling your life from behind the scenes. If you decide that you absoluting must stop T right now, please continue the work on your own... keeping reading, stay on the forums, and try a journal/art therapy. Sometimes it's even harder to start the healing process again if you quit cold turkey when the going gets rough.

If yer talking counsellor/therapist......i have more schooling than she does, and took her apart in 3 min. Attempting to dissect me with a universal, cookie cutter blunt tool? Please. I have come to the conclusion....NOONE can help me. I don't know who "me" is. Iv'e given up seeking help.....there are NO others willing, or capable of working under the radar, or willing to invest an iota of their personal innr selves like i am. After our 3 hr. (supp. to be 45 min) conv. She asked me to address her board, and take on consulting as a retained subcont......i laughed, and said " that would inhibit the freedom that allows me to do ehat i do , and that.....i will NOT compromise. Absolute ability to do what i feel is needed is IMPERATIVE, and restrictions would get in the way of some real successful bonds that ihave invested thousands of hours in. So, pooh to that. Anyway.....i am having a complete breakdown, finally got the courage to post it in SI, in front of all.....i got tattood today, my 6 month treat.....Black gothic letters down the front of my mangled aem....."UNSCARRED". After that,....all went to hell. If anyone wants to pm....i can open up.....but if no...adios. oh, no offense, butIF anyone does care.....please make sure you r qulified to hear VERY trig $#%^, and have real solutions, no hugs and smilies please. tnks.

There is nothing left to try, and i am at worst. bye guys, take care