My Little Brother Died

If you don't mind me saying something...

I know what you mean. When my grandma died when I was 5, no one asked me if I was alright. No one asked me how I was taking it. So when I asked where she went to my aunt, she too, burst into tears and the adults then ignored me. I was ignored until it was all over with too. My other cousins were ignored and no one asked us how we felt. It was all the adults. Another example, when I was raped, since I wasn't too traumatized yet then, my parents just tried to ignore it and didn't do anything, hoping I'd just forget. In reality, people don't just "forget" things that happened, especially not that serious. I really feel sorry for you, and I hope you're okay. The pain never really does go away - trust me, randomly crying about my grandma's death means the pain's still there.

Puma, as always, you share your pain with eloquence.

You have my sympathy for your brother's loss and the subsequent years of hidden terror you endured. I am so sorry that your mother could not support you in your revelation... however, I am glad that your son has grown into a marvelous man who understands you and doesn't pressure you to coddle his little ones.

Your experience with your grandfather's death and funeral struck an eerie chord with me. While I was considerably older when I had my first face-to-face experience with the death of a close family member, I was still confused by it... I simply did not know how to react. The day of his funeral, I seemed to say and do everything wrong - everyone was offended by my inappropriateness, although I thought I was doing pretty well keeping my mom, dad & sister from coming unglued... I was the youngest, but trying my best to keep them together. I just wanted to be alone, be away from all these people weeping and clinging to each other. My grandmother even asked my mother if I was on drugs or something because I wasn't acting "normal". No one seemed to understand that I had absolutely no idea how to behave in this situation or what I was feeling about the loss of my grandfather... who I didn't know extremely well but had always gotten along with.

I, too, give extra attention to what children are trying to say. I don't discount their notions as silly or childish. I have such a hard time understanding and expressing my feelings that I simply cannot turn away from a child because they suffer the same thing.

Puma,

How terrifying that was for you as a little little girl. Those kinds of traumas, unexpressed and not understood, go deep.

I'm always grateful when I finally unearth and understand something from 'then' that better explains my 'now'.

I too try to listen well to children. I want to do what I can to assist them to be healthy and whole growing up so that they can find themselves free as adults.

I think I might even overdo it at times. It's become kind of a family joke with my 3 kids. They tease me when they are telling us of some event or something in their lives; they'll look at me directly sometimes at one point and say "No Mom, I have nothing more I need to say about this", and then smile.

It's so good to live in a house where people can just be themselves, and that's quite enough. Thank you, God.

You showed courage posting this. Thank you. It helped me. It speaks volumes to me about the relationship you must have with your son that he understands and accepts this about you.

LifeSong

Puma,

What can I say?? First I dont know how I missed this post. Because, of what happened it is understandable why you would not want to hold babies. Your son giving you six grand babies.

What a truamatic thing to happen to you.

here is a big hug from me

{{{{{{{{{{{puma}}}}}}}}}}}

love,
red

Special thanks to all you sweet guys who have read this and been moved.
Although I had come to terms with this early childhood trauma at age 30, I had only shared this experience with a few confidants. They were comforting to me, but weren't able to give me much insight into why this old event should still occupy my mind so much.
I had never thought of my personal event as PTSD, with the resulting phobic reactions ( although I had suspected PTSD earlier but had associated that with combat fatigue or surviving major disasters like 9-11), until I began reading all the posts from people who had PTSD, and realized one didn't have to be a combat veteran or have been in a huge catastrophe to have symptoms of PTSD.
I am profoundly grateful for this forum site and all the kind people who share their lives with me. Many personal questions I had about myself have been answered. Very enlightening! Thanks, guys!
I am a basically happy person. My primary goal in life is self understanding. I figure if I can understand myself, I can understand other people, too, as we are all very similar in our humanity.

Puma,

Thank you for sharing your story. It was very touching in so many ways. I know that you will always carry the loss of your brother with you.

I am glad that you have found at least the starting point of your PTSD. I am struggling with this recent diagnosis even though I have dealt with the sexual abuse from my childhood for years.

My conceptions of PTSD and what it "looks" and "feels" like does not seem to fit me. I struggle with the thought that mine goes back to my childhood and not from the physical assault last year.
The image of people who have PTSD that you shared, combat veterans, etc., is what I have always believed to be true also.

Thank you for helping me to see that others have to same confusion about what "is" PTSD.

N.

Dearest Puma,

Thank you for your moving story, you write with great insight and self awareness.

I read your responses to others and note how they are always written with clarity, empathy and compassion, completely without egocentricity.

You a role model, I have the deepest respect and regard for the journey you have made and can only wish that one day I will be like you.

regards linda

Hi, linda1656,
Aww, Thanks, babe! That's really nice to receive such affirmation.

nymenche wrote:

I am glad that you have found at least the starting point of your PTSD. I am struggling with this recent diagnosis even though I have dealt with the sexual abuse from my childhood for years.

My conceptions of PTSD and what it "looks" and "feels" like does not seem to fit me. I struggle with the thought that mine goes back to my childhood and not from the physical assault last year.


N.

Hi, Nymenche,
Could it be that the physical assault last year stirred up old buried trauma from your childhood? Like, in addressing the recent issues stemming from the assault, you are finding that the wounds go much deeper than expected. In a way the assault was like opening a Pandora's Box ( your childhood sexual abuse.) Dealing with an assault as an adult is hard enough, but adding in the childhood experience truly complicates your distress and confusion. PTSD, although having many commonalities, can express differently for each individual.
I hope you have resumed therapy, as mentioning a recent diagnosis leads me to believe.

Puma, thanks for the support. My gp doc actually gave me the original diagnosis. He tried some pharmaceutical therapy and told me to drive by the place where the assault happened. But the panic attacks were still getting me. Other things escalated my attacks, and I finally decided, and was encouraged, to go to counseling.

I have had 2 sessions and feel less sure about myself now emotionally than before. T says, as you did, that a lot of my childhood stuff was still needing to be dealt with. So she has suggested EMDR which I guess is the way she is going to try to address the PTSD.

I thought I was going to counseling for a "minor tuneup" but it look like it is going to be a major overhaul" instead.

N.