You know you have PTSD when..

When you can completely calmly handle a crisis.. but going to the supermarket makes you want to curl up and sleep for the rest of the day.

LOL! YES!!!

and welcome ..

Terry E. wrote:and welcome ..

echoed (:

Terry E. wrote:
I think that is the CA one. At the time I am guessing you did not think your behaviour wrong ??

I wonder what you feel the people who know you now but know none of your history would believe if you told them all that. Especially the other skills you acquired ?? My sons find it very hard to understand how I went through what I did and appear so normal.

Makes you realise how many people go through this crap and keep it nicely hidden, as we all know the impact that showing it has on us socially.

Definitely more CA i think.. you're right.

I don't know if i thought my behaviour was wrong.. not exactly
I mean, i knew it was 'wrong', and that i shouldn't do it - i did feel some guilt over certain things, but most of what i felt a lot of the time was fear.
Fear of being caught - fear of the consequences..

Guilt lessens over time doesn't it.. we can create all the moral codes and societal laws we like, but boiled right down to it.. a starving child will do pretty much anything they can to survive..

Terry E. wrote:Oh you are going to love this one.

Back when I was starting my accounting business I would chase any lead.

One night I am talking to a guy who had a 1/2 share in a security company. The silent partner was Roger Rogerson, a crooked cop implicated in a string of high profile drug murders.

Anyway after pitching for his business, I walked out thinking... hmm this could be awkward, as I already had clients in the Black Uhlans, Mobshitters, and Gypsy Jokers.

In Sydney at the time the bike gangs ran amphetamines and the cops ran heroin. (true story).

I was thinking ... hmmm better make sure that neither side knew I was working with the other.

It was then the light globe went off and I realized I was a little out of control.

Told my son that story recently and he struggled to get his head around his father doing all that.

Oblivious to risk and danger although how much is PTSD and how much is CA I cannot say.

That's some experience there Terry.. How did that one end? (safely presumably.. but did that lighbulb moment make you change things a bit after that?)

Makes me wonder how we'd all sound to non CA/PTSD onlookers if we got a group of us together and shared our stories outloud you know.. xx

Curious as to how y'all have managed to date...since the guy I love, who has PTSD, can't get it together to meet up with me more than every once in a few weeks, and that's on good days. Mostly he puts me off, but if I suggest he might not want to go, he gets very upset and says he does (so I learnt not to say that - but at the time, it just seemed like he wasn't actually interested, and I only realised he was when he got really upset if I ignored him or another guy flirted with me). What goes through your mind if you like someone but fear to actually be with them? Trying to understand.

MaggieRose wrote:Curious as to how y'all have managed to date...since the guy I love, who has PTSD, can't get it together to meet up with me more than every once in a few weeks, and that's on good days. Mostly he puts me off, but if I suggest he might not want to go, he gets very upset and says he does (so I learnt not to say that - but at the time, it just seemed like he wasn't actually interested, and I only realised he was when he got really upset if I ignored him or another guy flirted with me). What goes through your mind if you like someone but fear to actually be with them? Trying to understand.

Hi Maggie, i'm really sorry you're going through that with the guy you love.. it's a tough road to start with

I'll be back tomorrow and will try to answer a little, don't know how helpful i'll be, but hopefully we can give you some ideas on drawing your guy out of his shell enough so the pair of you can spend more time together.

Can you give me a bit of a description of what he's like please? (ie; his job history.. any criminal history.. relationship history.. how he is when meeting people socially.. etc.. any warning signs that he might actually be stringing you along.. treating you differently (not as nice/puts you down in a joking way) when around other people to the way he does when you're alone etc..?).

Sorry to ask - i just want to make sure this is a PTSD problem rather than something else, with PTSD being used as a cover (unfortunately happens..) xx

and since I'm here..

You know you have PTSD when you manage to carry on a conversation with a cashier, at the same time as feeling like you're about to pass out from a panic attack.

Can you give me a bit of a description of what he's like please? (ie; his job history.. any criminal history.. relationship history.. how he is when meeting people socially.. etc.. any warning signs that he might actually be stringing you along.. treating you differently (not as nice/puts you down in a joking way) when around other people to the way he does when you're alone etc..?).



Hi Seabreezeblue

History: He's 25, says he's a childhood trauma survivor and doesn't remember whole days of his life, only going to bed at night. Didn't specify the trauma. His mom and brother have tried to kill themselves more than once. He says his parents argue and fight all the time. He said he pretty much raised himself as he was unwanted child and made to feel it (his older brother was planned and wanted).His dad is self-employed and sometimes struggles with money. He started his first job last year and wants to move out of home as soon as he can afford it.
He said his greatest fear is rejection/abandonment. When I met him he could barely say two words to people. He once told me literally nobody cares and many times he thought of ending his life but his willpower kept him going. He got a black belt at 23. If I ignore him or say something upsetting (e.g. I once told someone I was thinking of moving to another town), he completely freaks out - gets tearful and starts to avoid me, seems angry and can't even say hello to me. I have had to do all the reaching out as he said he is "immobile" and cannot even text someone.
He hasn't had a girlfriend and said he thinks he will be alone for ever. At times he has been so happy I'm in his life - on New Year's Eve he stayed home rather than go out with his buddies so we could text - and he has often said we will help each other heal. Then he gets into a state and withdraws again. He asks me questions like "How do you know you can trust someone?" A couple of times we would go out but he would be in such a bad state we couldn't even talk much, he would look really sad and broken and withdrawn. However, when we established that we're friends no matter what, he told me he no longer has the nightmares he's had since childhood and he now wakes up in a good mood every day. I have repeatedly told him I'm there for him no matter what he goes through and I'm planning on being his friend for ever (because I am). I once told him even if nothing ever happened between us romantically we would still always be friends because we get on so well (often text for 5+ hours). He told me I'm "spiritual family" and we have a deep connection - although he then qualified that by saying he's had a few such connections in his life, even deeper than we have. He often says things like that, I think it is such a risk for him to reach out to the extent that he has done, as he's used to being alone and relying only on himself. He said he pushes people away, it's making him sad and he doesn't want to do that any more. But he won't go to therapy because he said he doesn't trust a therapist. When his dad was hijacked and shot in the family driveway a few years ago, and nearly died, he confided stuff to a pastor and the pastor apparently "betrayed his trust" (not sure how), so he said he doesn't confide any more.
He is the same to me in private as in public. He tends to run away from me but stares at me from afar very often. Had a major crush on me that lasted for two years - shaking hands, blushing, getting aroused even when I used to speak to him (so sweet!), etc. Tends to look at me as if we're aliens from two different planets and he is trying to understand me - gets that "deer in the headlights" look often, even today. When we're together, he tells me stuff he can't tell anyone else, and seems stressed - very closed-off body language, seems to suffer a lot. But when we keep things like we generally laugh quite a lot and I think he enjoys being with me. Although there's a 20-year age gap (but people often think I'm at least 10 years younger because I've got great genes, haha), we relate so well and have all the same interests - martial arts, meditation, hiking, reading, gaming. When I suggest we do various things, like hike, or go for a picnic, etc., he says yes he would love that - then he most often panics and can't go through with it for a few weeks. Puts it off. I once said, "It sounds like you don't really want to go," and he said "I want to go," and got really upset. He said he often feels uncontrollable rage and anger at his past, but never wants to inflict that on anyone, which is why he did martial arts - to teach him gentleness (he is extremely gentle, even doing lethal techniques).
When I first met him, at the dojo, where he was my sensei (he isn't any more), he could barely say a few words to me or anyone. He used to look miserable all the time, like he was living in his own private hell. He would arrive, teach, and leave without chatting to anyone. He would rebuff everyone's attempts to get to know him. Then one day I said something funny and he laughed. I was really shocked! After that, he started to trust me a little bit and started to give me meaningful looks across the tatami (sort of "save me" type looks). He got his black belt and had a grading party and I bought him a little dragon, which he loved. He came to the party with his best friend from childhood because he was too shy to be there on his own. He is usually accompanied by either his best friend or brother.
That's the picture! Hope you have some ideas. It seems to me he's in avoidance most of the time. He drinks very little, doesn't take drugs, is very disciplined and said he wants to retire in 10 years' time. Is a workaholic.

-- Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:46 am --

Oh, one other thing, he says he is terrified feeling out of control, especially since his dad's hijacking. He reads everything he can on safety and security, reads 'The Art of War', etc., says he puts his clothes and shoes ready next to his bed in case he has to respond to an emergency in the middle of the night. It hyper-vigilant, always aware of his surroundings, doesn't like sitting in certain parts of a coffee shop, for example; says most people "get tired of my $#%^ and move on" and nobody gives him a chance or bothers to get to know him.

... you jump at your own reflection in the window whilst mopping, scream when your dog walks past you then start crying and apologising for scaring them, when your huge soppy shepherd barks at unknown fears, trying to make you feel better but making you have a panic attack.

When going to get your hair done makes your skin crawl and makes you want to vomit (quite the 'treat' eh). When people give you wide berth at the Dr's surgery because you are shaking and crying because you had to ask for a Dr just to call you...

Glad to see that I am not alone and not the only one suffering. My skin is itching uncontrollably at the moment and driving me mad, even my dogs touching me (paw) is making me jump and I take about six hours just to fall asleep.

I have CPTSD and Severe Anxiety, as you can imagine they are not good bed fellows. I was given some benzodiazapams by the Dr but they made me confused and they made me hallucinate in my visual field (as opposed to just seeing the images in my mind's eye).

When you are convinced (for no apparent reason) that your loving partner is trying to kill you (even I know that this is just my batshit crazy head at the moment, but it doesn't exactly make it easier to handle.

When your limbs don't feel like your own, when you are scared of EVERY sound and more to the point you HEAR every ######6 sound. (GAAAAAAH). Good to get some of the madness of my chest. Hi all by the way, I am new to the message boards. Hugs

amberamber80 wrote:
making me jump and I take about six hours just to fall asleep.

I have CPTSD and Severe Anxiety, as you can imagine they are not good bed fellows.

When you are convinced (for no apparent reason) that your loving partner is trying to kill you (even I know that this is just my batshit crazy head at the moment, but it doesn't exactly make it easier to handle.

When your limbs don't feel like your own, when you are scared of EVERY sound and more to the point you HEAR every ######6 sound. (GAAAAAAH). Good to get some of the madness of my chest. Hi all by the way, I am new to the message boards. Hugs

that hyper vigilance may never leave you but you know what it is as you get older

the others get better as your self awareness improves

It is so good to have you hear. Welcome hugs all round.

When you feel down come on here and kick it around, rant, do a monologue whatever..
Welcome

hey and welcome amberamber80 (:

amberamber80 wrote:When your limbs don't feel like your own, when you are scared of EVERY sound and more to the point you HEAR every ######6 sound. (GAAAAAAH). Good to get some of the madness of my chest. Hi all by the way, I am new to the message boards. Hugs

yep.. can relate completely to all of that (most of the rest as well, but especially this bit).

When you love the fact that the guy at your local supermarket remembers your brand of cigarettes (yes.. i should give up but nm), and you don't have to speak and ask for what you want.. but the first time he goes straight to them, you avoid going there for a few days because you feel exposed and anxious that you've been noticed.

When the security guard at your local supermarket follows you around the first few times he sees you (happens with each new guard they get ) , because he noticed you watching him and looking around constantly (i swear i'd make a brilliant security guard you know.. i see so many shoplifters that the security guard misses).

When you realise that you know pretty much everything about your neighbours, and everyone else you meet, but they know hardly anything about you beyond your name.