HELP: How to deal with a person with PTSP

Hello everyone, I hope I will get some help from you. First I have to say that I study in Austria, so my english grammar is not so good, but i hope you will understand me.

When I came here I met a person from my country, who is living here since 1993. In the first month or so, I was getting that he has some mental issues. In june this year, his nephew told me that he suffers from PTSP, since he was in a war camp in ex Yugoslavia, where he saw people getting killed, tourchered, beaten etc.

Doctors in Austria diagnosed him PTSP, depression and I think psychosis.

He has no family, no wife, no kids, and I think even no friends except me and few more persons living in this area. Thats why I wanted to get close with him, since he is really kind and always very helpful...

BUT THERE ARE SOME PROBLEMS... Sometimes I dont know what to do and how to speak with him. Why? Here are the few reasons:

1. Hes constantly accusing me that I did something, but I didnt. Then he gets so angry, that he doesnt want to talk with me for days. WHAT TO DO WHEN HE DOES THAT?

2. Hes lying. He always talks about friends he doesnt have. Example: Yesterday he said he was with friend on grill from 2 pm to 4 pm. In that time, he was at doctors ordination. I know because I saw him from local cafe entering and leaving.

Second example. He told me few times that he have a wife and daughter, but they left him during the war and moved to Serbia. A week ago, hes nephew told me that he never had a wife or a daughter. Does that have something to do with the baby he saw getting killed during his time at war camp?

Third example. He made up that he have a house assitant from Romania. He named her like he named the wife and daughter. When I went to his place once, he told me that she left him day earlier saying: "When you fix your life, I will come back".

WHY IS HE MAKING UP THIS?

3. Most of the time Im nice to him. But sometimes I overreact when he gets angry for nothing, and I just tell him to leave. ALWAYS, few hours later, he calls me and he says that he needs me. When I meet him again, he buys me cigarettes, food, etc. So, when Im nice to him most of the time he is okay, but when I get mad hes always buying me somethin to make things okay. WHY IS HE DOIN THAT? AND WHY IS HE MAD WHEN I SAY I DONT WANT THOSE MATERIAL THINGS AND THERE IS NO NEED FOR HIM TO BUY THEM?

Im asking all these questions because I want our relation to be better without constant fighting. Hes a great person, hes always there when I need him for anything, but sometimes I just cant stay calm when he does all this stuff.

My last and the most important questions are: What should I do? How should I treat him and talk to him? Is there any advice you can give me?

Thank you all!

that sounds like a really difficult situation and i sympathise - i don't deal with lies very well myself and find them difficult to let rest.

What I've discovered over the years is that sometimes when people feel really awful inside and can't explain what they're really feeling - because it's either too difficult to put things into words and to do so would open severe wounds that they might not be able to close up again..
Or.. because they just can't justify the way they feel without making up stories the same size as the pain they feel inside.

I still think it would be better for them to try and explain just how bad they feel without making up lies to justify/solidify the huge huge feelings that they have.. but I can kind of understand things a bit better when i look at it in this way.. what someone is really saying when they make up a disaster story or when they lie about a wife and child is that the way they feel is the way they'd feel if these things were actually true.

Either that - or they just like the attention.. but that again is a problem in itself - because when someone lies to that degree for attention.. you've clearly got someone standing in front of you and saying ''please show me that you care and please support me.. i need to be validated''

So.. to unpick things a little bit after considering things in that way;

1. Hes constantly accusing me that I did something, but I didnt. Then he gets so angry, that he doesnt want to talk with me for days. WHAT TO DO WHEN HE DOES THAT?

^^ What things has he accused you of and is there even a tiny bit of truth in what he's saying? If you take a step back from your feelings when he does this.. does any of it make sense whatsoever? ie; if you were him, how would you view things and do they make sense?

I think that when he won't talk to you for days, it's a good idea to leave him be for a while to recollect himself and come back down to reality a bit - leave him alone to regain the ability to self reflect..
psychosis in ptsd is unusual but sometimes does happen and if he's got a bit of psychosis going on, it's likely to be of the ''i think people are against me'' variety - so it is possible that he sees things one way when in the middle of large amounts of stress but then regains clarity once the ptsd has settled down.

2. Hes lying. He always talks about friends he doesnt have. Example: Yesterday he said he was with friend on grill from 2 pm to 4 pm. In that time, he was at doctors ordination. I know because I saw him from local cafe entering and leaving.

^^ I'd be tempted to let him have this one - it sounds like he's trying to make himself sound less asocial and odd than he really feels.. it's usually something that teens do but if someone knows they're a little weird or don't quite fit.. they often try and make themselves seem a bit more ''normal'' so that they feel less weird.

Second example. He told me few times that he have a wife and daughter, but they left him during the war and moved to Serbia. A week ago, hes nephew told me that he never had a wife or a daughter. Does that have something to do with the baby he saw getting killed during his time at war camp?

^^ again.. sounds like he's trying to garner sympathy for feeling lonely and he's making things up that are as big as the feeling he feels inside. It could partly have something to do with the baby he saw getting killed - when he saw the baby being killed, it probably really got to him - can't really answer that with any more than a thought though

Third example. He made up that he have a house assitant from Romania. He named her like he named the wife and daughter. When I went to his place once, he told me that she left him day earlier saying: "When you fix your life, I will come back".

^^ sounds again like he's trying to make his life sound less odd and lonely by filling his days with imaginary people to give to you.. as proof that he has people there and he's not always on his own.. so he doesn't sound too weird or anything to you..
Or.. the story could be true - unlikely from what you've said but still..

3. Most of the time Im nice to him. But sometimes I overreact when he gets angry for nothing, and I just tell him to leave. ALWAYS, few hours later, he calls me and he says that he needs me. When I meet him again, he buys me cigarettes, food, etc. So, when Im nice to him most of the time he is okay, but when I get mad hes always buying me somethin to make things okay. WHY IS HE DOIN THAT? AND WHY IS HE MAD WHEN I SAY I DONT WANT THOSE MATERIAL THINGS AND THERE IS NO NEED FOR HIM TO BUY THEM?

all i can say to this is that a gift accepted is one that honours the giver.. to accept a gift from someone is to validate their feelings and thoughts - it is an acceptance of friendship and kindness.
To refuse a gift feels like a refusal of something much more than the physical offering that is involved.
If you think of this like the way a small child offers you a mouldy leaf that they picked off the floor - they present it to you because they love it and see value in it - you are important to them so to give you the gift is a way of honouring you.. and when you accept it - you validate them.

I suggest that you treat him a bit more like a child - not in a bad way but more in an understanding of where he is emotionally at the moment. PTSD is awful and it strips you of your very identity.. it pulls apart everything you knew and were and to recover from it - you have to start by putting your identity back together again - you have to start from the very basics again.
Emotionally your friend is probably at the level of a 6 year old child and also at the level of a 95 year old man.. to have the emotions and lack of true identity that a 6 year old has child but the experience of a 95 year old is incredibly difficult to reconcile and work through.

Allow him his lies unless they are dangerous to you or others.. he will stop them as his identity builds up a bit and he starts walking in the world again.
Accept his gifts - by accepting them you are accepting him. If they make you uncomfortable then buy him gifts as well - and to the same value as the gifts he buys for you - so if he buys you cigarettes then buy him a box in return.. take them with you when you visit and give them to him.. if he buys you food then invite him round for dinner and say that you'd love to cook for him because he's your friend and it would bring you pleasure to do something nice for him because he does so much for you.

Reading up a little bit about that camp that he was imprisoned in and i'm not surprised that your friend is making up an alternative reality - he needs that or he'll fall apart.. xx

What kind of things hes accusing me? Its hard to explain, he always create a fight from nothing. For example, two of my friends called me out yesterday on a beer, I sad no because I have to study. HE was there when I talked to them. Then he got pissed of saying that he will never talk to me again if i dont go with them, because im spending too much time in my room. But I had to study.

He went out really angry. He didnt wanted to talk to me even today, but he came an hour ago asking for a little favor like nothing happened.

Sometimes its really hard for me to stay focused when this happens. I wasnt focused on studying all night. Thats why I want to know how to influence him and have a normal relation.

One more question... Did I made a mistake when I bought him a parrot? The bird was in cage when I gave it to him, and for few months its at his place and hes always leaving cage opened. Does that have something to do with him being closed in a war camp? I know he loves her. Hes constantly talking to her and taking the bird out of the cage...

Psychology seems really interesting after I met him. I even ordered few books from Amazon yesterday to do some research on PTSD, so I hope it will help.

Big thanks for your response.

Psychology can definitely be really interesting - I've spent a lot of time researching quite a few things.. some of it has been really helpful to me.


It sounds like you choosing to spend time in your room really bothered your friend.. do you think he has a point at all? do you shut yourself away a bit too much and look stressed?
People usually have what they think are your best interests at heart when they try and persuade you to go out - they often don't understand that not every person is the same or needs the same things as they do. It might help to calmly explain to your friend that you don't need to go out very often - you sometimes gain more energy from being alone and peaceful than you would at the pub with your friends.

Rather than influencing him.. it would be a better idea to change the way you respond to things.. if you check out something called circular causality.. you'll see that people relate and react to each-other rather than as individual units. So if you ere to change the way you do things and react to your friend somewhat, his behaviour would change also.

I think you buying the parrot for him was a really lovely idea and definitely not wrong by the sounds of things.. he clearly loves her and is caring for her well. Him allowing her to come out of her cage and wander/fly around his home is a really good thing for me to read - it's far far healthier for the parrot to be allowed some freedom than to be locked in the cage all the time.
I'm inclined to think that his behaviour is that of a caring pet owner and wouldn't read anything further into it unless he mentions.
I also think that everyone who can cope with one should have a pet - they are fantastic company and brilliant for those with mental health conditions..

I agree, it seems more and more interesting by the time I spend reading about it.

Now I understand that I maybe made a mistake by trying to influence him, instead of changing the way on responding to this kind of things, but its really something that bothers me too much, and Im the type of a short tempered person. When it comes to this kind of fights, I normally go crazy inside myself, and cant actually focus on what matters.

That is why I wanted to somehow influence on him.

I even dont spend my free time outside. When I finish regular things at home, like eating or studying, and when I finish everything on my college, I always go outside with someone, many times with him, and I even always read by the river or in park.

Thats why it bothers me when he tries to push me outside, or when he wants me to hang out with him when I dont have time because of my priorities. I just cant explain to him, thats the biggest problem. He doesnt understand that.

I will try to study some things about this kind of relations, and if theres any progress I will notify you.

And Im really glad I havent made a mistake buying him that parrot. Thank you for that support, and very big thank you for your responses. I really appreciate it.