Flashbacks intruding all day, I feel trapped. pls read, long

So this is my second post, my first one was about OCD and what I was dealing with at that time. So after I had a panic attack during work, I decided to go home because I was not feeling well at all. All I could think about after that attack was fearing a second attack. I had so much fear and I thought I was going to die during the first one, it was horrible. Moving on, I remember being flooded with emotions and images, just random images. One image that decided to stay was the face of a coworker of mine. It was really weird, I didn't understand at that time that it was a flashback, I thought it was my ocd doing that. I wasn't educated about mental illnesses prior to that panic attack. I did visit a psychiatrist and he diagnosed me with PTSD, GAD, depression, OCD and possibly bipolar. I had been abused my entire life, from age 4 to 16. I was beat almost everyday, there was some sexual abuse and just witnessed some horrific things, accidents and peer pressured into watching videos where people mutilated themselves for fun? Anyway, on to the question, just thought you guys would like to know some of my backround. I get flashbacks or intrusive memories of the panic attack or my coworkers face, more than 2 of them. Flashbacks of just working there again or reliving or witnessing my childhood trauma, again. I don't get too sucked into the flashbacks but I know they're there. It feels like I see them the entire day, and I feel trapped in my head because of it. Doesn't matter if I'm reading or watching tv, WHATEVER. Problem solving or looking back into my past/future; instead of seeing or imaging what I want to imagine, I see my past traumatic memories or flashbacks. It's frustrating because I want to be able to focus on something else, but I CANT because I'll just go back into seeing their faces or working there again. I must add that working there was stressful and I heard things that I didn't want to hear and so on. I had nightmares about it. Is anyone else plagued by memories no matter what you do? I do feel like I have better days than others, but for the most part these flashbacks are there all day. Sometimes 2+2= bad memories. I know it's 4 but I'm just giving an example of how they intrude. I feel like I'm stuck and can't let go of these images. I've been like this for a little over a month. I just want to go a day without having to relive everything, it's frustrating. Sometimes I just feel like running or pulling my hair out because they won't leave and I want rest. The fear and anxiety and all of those emotions come with the flashbacks. I feel tense all day and unable to relax. I've tried imagining myself in a beach and breathing but then it turns into those bad memories, like I want a break. I'm starting to ask myself if these really are flashbacks and not something else. Please comment or share your experience, PLEASE! Thanks for reading

I forgot to add that I also have insomnia and nightmares. Memory problems and I dissociate too. I'm beginning to feel like I've had this problem since I was born, like I have been seeing these flashbacks for the longest time even though it's been like a month. I want my old life back, my normal, but it's beginning to feel like I was never normal. I hope you guys get what I'm trying to explain. I feel like I've been robbed, or like someone has downloaded some new program into my brain. In the end I know it's my brain doing this, but it sure doesn't feel like it. hope your day is going well~

Hi, I'm sorry for what you are going through at the moment, it sounds distressing. Be gentle with yourself and try to do nice things for yourself that ground and calm you when you are experiencing these episodes. Have you been seeking any professional help all of this currently? Also, you mention that your symptoms have been worse for the last month, did something that happened then trigger your symptoms to become more intense?

Hi, thank you for commenting. Something did happen, I think. I was having a really bad week and the flashbacks and memories just would not go away. I remember having a certain thought, I said to myself,"well what if this doesn't go away and I have them all day no matter what I do." That of course scared me it gave me so much anxiety so maybe my brain is constantly reminding me of that thought. It's not that I have flashbacks all day long, but that I can't forget those thoughts that trigger my memories?? If I hear a loud noise or just anything that startles me, it takes me back to those memories, it's weird. Like not matter what I do, I can't escape the intrusive images, thoughts, memories whatever. I am seeing a therapist for all of this. It's been really difficult for me and confusing, this last month. It's like I have to concentrate very hard to just focus on something else, or to do a simple math problem.

You sound a lot like you are focusing on ignoring thoughts and concentrating on other things in order to try and distract yourself from the memories. This a good idea sometimes but it's not always effective, as you've discovered. It is like our brains are trying to heal ourselves by thinking about the issues and the memories. It's good you're working with therapist as this may help working through those memories to give you lasting relief. Have courage as you work through these difficult memories. I know it is difficult, but it can be worth it in the long run.

salted lipstick wrote:You sound a lot like you are focusing on ignoring thoughts and concentrating on other things in order to try and distract yourself from the memories. This a good idea sometimes but it's not always effective, as you've discovered. It is like our brains are trying to heal ourselves by thinking about the issues and the memories. It's good you're working with therapist as this may help working through those memories to give you lasting relief. Have courage as you work through these difficult memories. I know it is difficult, but it can be worth it in the long run.

I second this. 25yrs of bad mental health care professionals, many of them abusive in their own right, and three years ago I finally found someone who does his job. But it ain't fun. There will be... bad days is such an understatement, lol.

Like me tonight. Therapy last two days. Badly triggered now, dozens of flashbacks, life is... not fun tonight. But I know it will pass AND there has been slow progress over the last three years. But are there nights I sit here shaking, thinking of sucide, hallucinating, paranoid... ohhhh yeah. I've learned the differences though between the PTSD induced... hallucinations and paranoia, and what is real. It is like an old horror movie you have watched dozens of times, that still makes you jump, but it has no lasting impact past the moment. You learn why, what, how... And no longer feel powerless, terrified over "what the hell is going on here?" because now you KNOW.

But there are good and bad days. Plan for the bad, enjoy the good. That is what i do.