7 months after the episode ended and something is horribly w

Basically I was seduced by a psychopath, and the 18 month relationship ended when he dumped and discarded me on Valentines Day.

The relationship was hell...

But there's something so wrong. This brings me so much shame. I haven't heard from my psychopath in 7 months and probably never will again. His abuse was so so twisted, he was 29 years older than me and his abuse was completely perverted. The sort of stuff you would see in a very twisted psychological thriller. Anyway, the matter is this: he is no more and I will probably never see him again but him and the abuse are on my mind 24/7 and I have let my friends believe I'm still in contact with him. They think that him and I have been in contact at times over these last 7 months. I can't let him and the trauma go. I kept it a secret at the time but now it is over I tell my closest friends about the darkest things that happened during the relationship as though they didn't happen months ago but as if they had happened today. I keep the old photos of him and I together up on my social media accounts. I keep his number on speed dial.

What is wrong with me? I'm not delusional. I know I haven't spoken to him. But I keep saying that I have. It seems to ease the pain a little. My friends say 'if you went No Contact with him you would get over him'...little do they know him and I have had no contact in months.

I feel so bad writing this. I'm scared I'll never ever get better. Please please help

Hi,

First of all, hugs to you if you'd like them..

it's probably a good idea to unpick things a bit before you try and think up what you're going to do next..


Can i ask.. why didn't you tell your friends when you first broke up with him?
was it because you weren't sure whether you were properly finished with him at that point so you didn't want to speak before you'd worked things out for yourself?

Why can't you let him go? maybe you've fallen into the same trap that so many of us do.. maybe you've fallen into the ''if only'' pit..
''If only I was good enough, he would have treated me better''.. ''if only I was prettier/younger/thinner/smarter, i'd be worthwhile''

maybe letting go of the if only would take away your last little bit of hope that you're probably nurturing that he'll come back to you on his knees while clutching a bunch of flowers and telling you he loves you..

If any of this is sounding anywhere near what's been going through your mind - please know that he's not coming back.. it's nothing to do with you - you are good enough, young enough, pretty enough, smart enough..
it's him.. let him go completely - you are worth far more than to hold on to him like this.. he doesn't care, he can't do - it's the way he's wired.

When you tell your friends incidents that happened in the past and you make them sound like they happened yesterday/today - why..? Because you want sympathy for them now.. now that you're processing them.? because if you haven't processed them before, to you they really do feel like they're far more recent, all the emotional feelings from the incidents have just been sitting there, in the ''to deal with later'' pile..