hard hurdle for me to be truthful about and move past

so I realized today one of the main issues that I have with my PTSD is the fact that my boyfriend/dom

is also one of the people that a LONGG time ago I had a molest rape issue with when I was younger.

we both feel horrible for what happened between us. But i have started to realize that being dishonest about my past will do me no real good.

I have openly talked and discussed this with my therapists my general one and my trauma therapist.

even though she has moved on and retired.

I personally realized that with me and my boyfriend that he did not intend for what happened to me to actually happen to me..... And so I made the choice to forgive him for what passed cause factually what happened is just the reality of what did...but most of my other cases with molestation and rape from others were done with fully knowledge of what that person was doing.

and they did not care.

but when I have attempted to speak about this with others in support groups or with others in the PTSD field I get a lot of grief for being with him....even though me getting to know him and make friends again with him after the event was a fairly hard decision.

I realized he had made alot of changes from when I had seen him last which was like 14 1o 15 years ago....and I feel in love with the person we was because of him realizing his mistakes in the past.

but the best way fro me to get through my PTSD is to be able to talk about to others but to be told I am in the wrong by other people to forgive someone and I have at least a total of three therapist tell if I want to forgive him I can its my right to be able to do.

I know what I am doing is not a common or debate-ably not normal thing but I do love him....even though his mistakes....and I like my therapists agree that I have a right to forgive him if I truly wish to.

if you feel I am wrong in that, or you don't agree I please, please ask that you just keep that to your self this is a really hard thing for me to admit to and say out loud any time i mention it...and It would be great if that could be respected.

I think the important thing for me to realize with it is I am not giving praise to what he did...I am giving praise to that he willing to admit when he is wrong and become a better person that we all deserve to be in life.


I do bring this up a lot.......but the reason i do is I am I guess trying to self affirm to myself in a way that. In no way do I want to say I think what he did to me was ok, cause a lot of people think me being with him means I am just ignoring his actions in the past and I DON'T.

what i am accept and love is the fact he admits to his transgressions truthfully, and he wants to move forward with me and him to change himself and be a better person.


cause I have been with so many people that do horrible bad wrong things and don't even admit aloud to them, let alone try to fix them and move on from them in my life...

and if I truly love him and want to be with him, I feel like realizing that truth of the past but knowing the why.
and saying this behaviour is what I stand for and appreciate from him...... cause we all as people need to grow and be honest with yourselves and others.

And its what makes me feel like I have finally found a truly good person i my life vs what I have had before.
but I do agree I should be ok with what I am saying now about now and move past it now. Cause bring it up a lot can cause un nessicary harm at times for others in certain situations...

I don't think it's necessarily wrong to forgive someone - if you can manage to do that and form a relationship with the person that he is now, then you're probably doing fine..
the only thing i will say is to be careful that you're not re-traumatising yourself and being with him purely because you feel that he's one of the only people that you can properly connect with..
it's often really difficult for people with histories like yours to make connections with ''normal'' people who have had ''normal'' lives..
I find it a lot easier to connect with people who have been through a lot themselves - i'm not entirely sure how to relate to people who have had good childhoods, good experiences and very few difficult times so i tend to struggle with knowing what to say to them.. I mean; someone starts talking about the lovely holiday they've just been on with their parents and I love listening to them but i can't relate nor start talking about an experience of my own that is similar to theirs..
someone starts talking about how their parents were difficult and i start nodding and know exactly how to answer..

So.. after some rambling and half formed thoughts from me - if you're genuinely happy and content with your partner.. have managed to form a healthy relationship with him.. smiles from me xx

we have fun across some issues with in your relationship and it probably would colify as stockholm's syndrome to a degree I do think that is just a hard truth that I need to be more honet with myself about.

but at the same time.....

I know we have both come a long way from where we were when we were younger and i feel like both of us can grow just like we have been.

we do things to each other minor things that are not really the nicest but we...are understanding to each other and we try the best we can to move on...and go forward in life.....we need to get to better healthier places.......

and I think it is postibble for us to do so.

that sounds quite difficult at times but that you really want to make things work out..

Have the pair of you thought about or had couples counselling at all..? it might be helpful to talk things through a little with a therapist as a guide - i'll probably do this the next time i end up in a relationship
xx