So sick of PTSD ruining my life!

I'm gonna try to keep this short, it's basically a pity party/vent. I have PTSD stemming from years of all kinds of childhood abuse. I am single because I've stopped dating because I don't know how to have healthy relationships. I have no friends for the same reason. I'm a truckdriver because it's the only job I can keep for any length of time (due to limited contact with people). Basically I'm miserable and just marking off days in the calendar until I die.

The trigger for this rant is yesterday I was driving the truck and got pulled over. I knew I hadn't been speeding so I couldn't imagine why I was stopped. The childhood abuse has basically conditioned me to fear being "in trouble". In the short time it took the officer to reach my truck I was in full-blown panic. Heart racing, body trembling, sweating, teeth chattering, and mind frozen. It turned out to be nothing more than a random routine paperwork check (DOT loves to hassle truck drivers). By the time I knew this it was too late, you can't just turn off the physiological reaction. I try to hide this reaction as much as possible but cops seem to elicit the worst response. It was so bad that he asked me to hold out my hand cuz he could see me shaking. He wanted to know if I had a medical condition (fishing to find out if I shouldn't be driving). Also, my brain was so frozen that I couldn't find my medical card. This is a card that certifies you as fit to drive, and I have to have it with me any time I'm driving the truck (or get in trouble/ticket). I don't keep it out because I usually don't need it. It was in my purse and I couldn't find it cuz I was freaking so bad that I literally couldn't even remember what my purse looked like. I did eventually calm down enough to be able to find it and he eventually let me go.

Bottom line, I hate being a truckdriver cuz it pays crap, it's stressful and I have to be away from home (my safe place). I hate these sudden episodes of terror (I don't know what else to call it), and I hate being alone. I hate my parents for doing this to me and I hate myself and I hate my life.

Thank you for listening.

That seriously sucks.. yesterday sounds horrible for you


I'm deliberately single myself and have those panic attacks/extreme emotional flashbacks when I get scared that i'm in trouble.

You've got nothing to hate yourself for.. i know this likely won't help and if you have the same stuff i do you won't even believe what i say but you are good enough xx

You've been through such a lot and all your reactions are perfectly normal for child abuse survivors.. it doesn't feel like we survived a lot of the time but survive we did.. and we survived something that no child should ever have to go through.

My usual suggestion is one i'm making here as well.. have you tried out any therapy at all.? How did it go if you did.? I'm going to my second session of group therapy this afternoon - I feel panicky and dissociated in the group but i'm hoping it will help in the long term.. do you think you'd like to try something similar out.?

xx

Oh! Lovely job! Truckdriver! Its unbelieved but I would love to do that so much!

And maybe the only job I could do, only me and the street.

An advice: if happen you say: Oh Im not feeling very well, I dont know what happens, maybe a drop of pressure.
Only if you are sure that driving you are not a risk for others.