I feel stuck in time

Any of you here also feel like you're stuck in time? As if a certain period of your life, certain people and what happened - all traumatic - somehow became a parameter for everything else in your life.

I sometimes honestly feel "my abusers" are with me all the time. Judging me, seeing me, watching what I do, chatting with me in my head. it's like everything I do keeps going back to these people - their impression is on me forever.

Sometimes when I wake up, it's as if my mind chatter was all night thinking about these people, repeating what they did to me, talking to me in my mind.


Mind you, these are not hallucinations. I don't even know if they can be considered flashbacks or intrusive thoughts, either.


Just to be clear: i was abused by a borderline mother who forced me into psychiatric treatment several times, and a lot of the "repetitive" thoughts derive from things I was forced to think, do, etc.. All the criticism, accusations, mistaken diagnosis, etc., keep "pounding" at my head intrusively.

I literally feel no connection to anything anymore - its like all this conditioning and hurtful way I was seen and treated fragmented my identity and everything I do doesn't feel like it's actually me doing it, due to so many intrusive thoughts of these people "commanding" or "judging" me, so to speak.


Sorry if i can't make this any more clear... To make it simple: Imagine you had a very abusive father, who always yelled at you, insulted and belittled you, also hit you. Say, every time you cooked for him, he yelled at you about how bad it was, critisized you for being such a #######5 cook and then slammed his plate on your forehead.
Now every time you eat rice or you go cook, you feel all those unpleasant memories coming back and you just feel awful about the whole thing and just want to get it over with as soon as possible, "turning your mind off reality and the senses" to tolerate the unpleasantness.


Can anyone relate?

I think you did a really good job explaining the feeling twistednerve. I can definitely relate.

twistednerve wrote:I sometimes honestly feel "my abusers" are with me all the time. Judging me, seeing me, watching what I do, chatting with me in my head. it's like everything I do keeps going back to these people - their impression is on me forever.

This is a really common phenomenon. Children take on the messages of their abusers and repeat them to themselves, at the time they are in a sense "instructing" themselves of how to behave/what to say etc so that they can preemptively act/say things the way that their abuser wants them to and as a result avoid that abuse from their abuser because they've already preemptively acted.

I'm not exactly sure what this phenomena is called in a less-dissociative context but in DID this is frequently called an "abuser introject"- a part that essentially takes on the role of the abuser so that the child (and later adult) has preempted what the abuser will want and they will be able to act on that to "save" themselves from that abuse. Of course when we are older it is easier to see that it was not a choice and the abuse would have happened regardless of whether or not we had those self critical voices in our heads passing comment on what we should do in order to try and force us into "acting right" to try and "avoid" the abuse...

twistednerve wrote:I don't even know if they can be considered flashbacks or intrusive thoughts, either.

I'd guess it's a dissociative symptom. I'm sure it probably has an actual term because it's really common- it's gonna bug me now that I don't know what it's properly called...

twistednerve wrote:Just to be clear: i was abused by a borderline mother who forced me into psychiatric treatment several times, and a lot of the "repetitive" thoughts derive from things I was forced to think, do, etc.. All the criticism, accusations, mistaken diagnosis, etc., keep "pounding" at my head intrusively.

The bit you say about mistaken diagnosis almost sounds like a form of gaslighting... I'm sorry you went through that stuff, it's not right, your mother shouldn't have done that.

twistednerve wrote:I literally feel no connection to anything anymore - its like all this conditioning and hurtful way I was seen and treated fragmented my identity and everything I do doesn't feel like it's actually me doing it, due to so many intrusive thoughts of these people "commanding" or "judging" me, so to speak.

That sounds very dissociative. I understand how it is really intrusive. What do you do about these thoughts? I used to try and ignore them for a while but I found it made it worse for me personally because they'd go away a bit but then later they'd come back with absolute vengeance. So I usually just challenge those thoughts in my head now, trying to politely point out how their logic isn't right and asking about memories they have that make them hold the beliefs that they do.

Yeah, I do relate.

I believe it is a known phenomenon as well.

The development of someone that suffered abuse seems to stop after a certain tipping point. I've seen it happen a few times, including in my case. Growth stops and you are stuck dealing with the memories instead of progressing. Due to all of the bad treatment you received, you cease to move forward and you're trapped in limbo, dealing with the thought patterns and the trauma. Obligations and such might force you to take on new responsibilities, but psychologically and emotionally, you remain stuck at a certain point. In my case, I'm stuck at 14 years old, when the trigger for all my issues happened (in my case, I also do not have obligations such as work and such, so on a functional level, I'm also 14, which makes this "theory" even more valid in my case).

What you're describing are called thought patterns or schema (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_%28psychology%29 I don't like linking to wikipedia but I didn't find anything better). Mine come from the fact that I'm an avoidant, which usually grants you horribly low self-esteem. My father was the first to really contribute to the negative schema in my mind. His neglect and abuse fueled my avoidance because he was never happy with anything I did. In hindsight, I'm starting to wonder if he wasn't jealous of his own child, which would make him a petty man indeed. More things add to my schema (which I picture as a shambling, malformed horror wandering in my mind) over time. Bullying, my mother's erratic behavior and more recently, a relationship I had with who I believe was a psychopath (bipolar, paraphiliac, paranoid, etc. as well ; poor self-esteem makes you choose poorly in terms of partners).

Everyone has these thought patterns. I also tend to dissociate when I get too anxious or out of it, but it's usually for short periods of time and it's a defense mechanisms of sorts. I usually picture it as me leaving my body and floating besides it. I don't know if it's really dissociation but it feels like it.

But when it comes to thought patterns and having a really negative one making you feel like you're actually stuck in time, I can relate and I guarantee you that there are others that can as well.

Thank you so much for those replies. I am familiar with the theories and symptoms you all described. Always nice to see more people relating to this, though, and learning their ways of managing it.

@ salted lipstick, my ways of dealing with the thoughts is letting them occupy my mind until they go away, unfortunetely. If I actively try to do something, specialy interacting with them, it becomes a snowball of worsened feelings and more thoughts. Trying to focus on other things and using my brain overall always makes memories and thoughts more powerful and overwhelming, so finding physical distractions is better. They have been decreasing lately, as I pursue justice for what happened.

@ thesilverdawn, I know whay you mean. It's as if we literally don't learn new things. We don't form new memories. I've seen studies linking PTSD with pre-existing memory formation issues in the brain, perhaps it is a memory forming issue as well all along. Brain gets stuck in that situation forever and doesn't overwrite itself with new things. I'm guessing neurotrophic activities and substances can help with this.

twistednerve wrote:Can anyone relate?

Probably. If it involved violent thoughts towards them at some point.

Greenhorn wrote:

twistednerve wrote:Can anyone relate?

Probably. If it involved violent thoughts towards them at some point.

I'm actually working on getting justice fair and square.

Nice. I'm left stuck with thoughts that unfold me, sometimes impulsively. No justice to be served.

Greenhorn wrote:Nice. I'm left stuck with thoughts that unfold me, sometimes impulsively. No justice to be served.

Are you smart and good looking enough to get away with murder, dear lad?