In search of solid diagnosis.

Hello, my name is *mod edit*. This is a new thing for me, so excuse my writing as it may be sporadic. I am search of a diagnosis to several symptoms that I am experiencing. I am worried about this because it is affecting my relationship, and my friendships. Recently my significant other told me I was very distant; emotionally, physically, and intimately. I do have memories of some sexual abuse as a child, though trying to remember anything further becomes clouded.

When in regards to my distance to others, I feel objectively different from others. My brain activity as it seems, is very limited and what I mean by that is I have minimal cognitive thought, mostly a blank canvas if you will. I am emotionally distant from others, I do not necessarily lack empathy because I feel sadness, anger, and happiness when directed towards specific situations. However I do not always express it and I am unaware of my emotional state at periods of the day.

When cuddling or being physically touched by others, I feel uneasy and if the gesture extends for too long of a time span I begin having a slight panic attack until I remove myself from the situation. I am very reserved; introvert, and secluded in my own thoughts. I rarely speak and when I do it is soft-spoken and I am really unsure of what to say to other people. I feel a tension in most interactions.

I try to be happy, and be the friend and boyfriend they need. However they always say there seems to be something wrong. At times, I don't even believe myself, and I have a range of multiple emotions running through me simultaneously. This cannot be normal can it?

I am curious as to what exactly could I be suffering from, though this seems in my range of intelligence I am unable to self-diagnose myself without the thought of being a hypochondriac.

Have you considered seeing a professional to help you to get a solid diagnosis and some treatment? It certainly sounds like some of the things you are describing are causing you some problems and could benefit from further investigation and help.

No one here is going to be able to diagnose you because we aren't professionals but it is good you are seeking some support.

LabelMeFable wrote:At times, I don't even believe myself, and I have a range of multiple emotions running through me simultaneously. This cannot be normal can it?

It's not particularly unusual to have conflicting emotions and belief vs denial if you have suffered some abuse in the past. It is a common experience that protects one's mind from all of the heavy reality of it, while driving us to seek healing still...

You might want to look a bit more into understanding dissociation and see if you connect with any of the descriptions of those feelings a bit as some of what you have said seems like it might resonate with mild dissociation (like feeling emotionally distant, blank, detached etc).

What made you decide to post in PTSD? Have you experienced any flashbacks of your abuse?

Hiya LabelMeFable (love the username btw)

Unfortunately as SaltedLipstick said; no-one here can provide you with a diagnosis, please don't worry about being a hypochondriac though.. you sound like you have a really good understanding of what your issues are and are simply in search of an answer..

Alexithymia (the technical term for what you describe) can be part of PTSD as the emotional system can go into emergency ''shut down'' mode when you're put under too much pressure.

Bearing in mind that you can find out your emotional state when you consciously try to attend to it, you may just be one of those people that struggle from a difficulty in attending to your emotions.. this is really common in my aspie group - mostly amongst the males of the group and it's also something that i struggled with in the past myself.
Now i have to consciously process mine or they build up without me realising and result in panic attacks etc..

I try to be happy, and be the friend and boyfriend they need. However they always say there seems to be something wrong. At times, I don't even believe myself, and I have a range of multiple emotions running through me simultaneously. This cannot be normal can it?

^^ multiple emotions running through you is really normal so please don't worry unless they distress you too much.. many emotions are thought to be a blend of just a few basic ones anyway so it could be that although you don't always notice your emotions, when you pay attention to them, you may simply unpick them with more clarity than many people..
My concern here though is that you sound like you're forgetting about yourself a bit here and holding yourself responsible for making your friends happy by being always happy.. not something that is maintainable for any good length of time.. we all need to allow ourselves to feel down and tired/not on show once in a while..
Just so that we can reach out for support ourselves and say ''actually i feel grotty today''

Would you maybe think about popping along to see your doctor about all of this and see if he/she can refer you to a counsellor for a few sessions.. it would be a really good starting point for you

xx

Thank-you both for your detailed and helpful responses. To answer the first question--Yes, I do indeed have flashbacks of my abuse, now mind you, it is not only sexual, but mental and physical. I did not necessarily have a tremendous childhood, but it was decent for the way I made out of it. At times, I feel conflicted with myself because I was forced to mature very fast, and I was suppose to claim independence taking care of my family.

To answer the second question -- I would love to get some professional help from a doctor, however at the moment I have no insurance, and doctors around my area are very skeptical to help anyone that does not benefit their agenda. In result to my previous abuse, I was diagnosed as a child with Fetal Claustrophobia, so at times I cannot stand being touched and in pressing circumstances can lead to me becoming anxious.

I was also diagnosed as a new-born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I share some physical traits with that diagnosis, and as a child my development was slowed on multiple occasions. When I was older I was foolish enough to attempt suicide on numerous dates, just to come to find out that I am not a quitter.

So the question I am now asking is; Do any of you know of some resources that provide free counseling?