Associations?

Hi.
I have what can be called C-PTSD.

My mother has borderline personality disorder and abused me horribly throughout my teens and childhood.

She was incredibly manipulative and intrusive, and was actually able to control my thoughts and feelings for a long time through something that could very well be called brain washing. Endless fights and arguements ever since I was a baby, locking me in the closet until I changed my mind about stuff she was trying to convince me of, constant repetition, suggestion, threats, emotional blackmail, etc..

She did one thing where she would convince me I had beliefs, personality traits or specific feelings towards things, so she could make me feel bad, manipulate me or get me into her arguements. The most common one was trying to convince me I was mentally ill myself. She would talk about specific symptoms and try to convince me I had them, through all sorts of means. She would accuse me on a physically or verbally violent way, she would say it's because I inherited from my father (he has bipolar and left us when I was baby), amongst other "strategies". The most evil one was actually convincing me I had mentall illnesses or "difficulties" with living and emotions in general, but she was there to help me. This one really got to me and messed me up, maybe because she would bypass my defenses pretending she was being nice. For example, she would convince me I had social phobia, or specific troubles dealing with people. That I was ungrateful with my friends, or that I did not want to have friends so I had to go to psychiatrists or psychologists to be more social. That I was depressed and unhappy and needed treatmeant for that. She was always CONVINCING ME that I had all these symptoms or personality traits that I didn't had, but she was going to help me fix it. And it was a situation where I had no escape... If I didn't act the way she wanted me to, she would do that and act if she was terribly disapointed in me. If I did, she would call me crazy, insane and abuse me more. No matter what, I was trapped with someone invading my mind and feelings, changing them when she plased, just so she could use them against me.


She actually managed to put me into mental hospitals several times, and take me to dozens (dozens literally) of psychiatrists and psychologists between the ages of 6 and 21. Here in Brazil mental hospitals aren't that great, and I was abused there also many, many times. But to stay on topic, mental hospitals were kinda "cementing" her accusations and manipulations in my head, since they believed eery word she said and I would "treat" according to her reports on my behavior and thoughts. They were like emotional and mental ways of not convincing me I was the person she used to say I was exactly, I never believed I had the diagnoses they said I did (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder were always the ones given to me. They're actually given to most people in psychiatrical hospitals here), but at the same time I COULD NOT BE said person, out of a rebelious defensive feelings I developed. I feel trapped not being able of being anyone without feeling these people are still influencing me.

Nowadays, I feel like I have no identity. No matter what feeling I feel, decision I take, thought I have, I feel my mother and those awful psychiatrists and therapists inside my head, approving or disapproving of me. Or just these bad, bad flashbacks that pop all of a sudden.
I literally live to forget, buying time between one dose of psychiatrical medication that shuts down my mind with feeble distractions. I literally can't do anything that mildly stimulates my brain, that these horrible images, memories and feelings invade my head and just make me feel terrible. I constantly relive "these people", those moments, trying to make sense of what it happened. I can't seem to just forget... And it seems really impossible, because it's just SO MUCH THAT HAPPENED FOR SO LONG.... And the worse part is it's all deeply entrenched in my personality.

And that is why I'm posting this. I've been miserable for years, now. Constant flashbacks, plagued by constant horrible thoughts, depression, anxiety, several and severe physical manifestations of stress. i've taken so many psychiatrical meds... and they all work to a degree, on the more "physical" stuff such as mood itself, cognition, anxiety relief, ammount of thoughts in my mind, etc.. but "the thoughts" and memories are all there. If I, for example, eat chocolate and find it pleasurable, *I remember my mother saying I couldn't feel any pleasure, because I had depression and that I had to make an effort to get better or else she would put me in a mental hospital for life*.

I can't even tell if I want to socialize with people or not, because I instantly associate with my mother and "mental health professionals" saying I was anti-social and that I should socialize more. I feel so trapped. If I don't socialize, I play the part they wanted me. If I socialize, I can't feel anything good at all or that it comes really from me because of so much PRESSURE they put on me. These are just two small, really small examples, but they capture the essence of what i'm going through. I just cant do anything without feeling heavily criticized and pressured in my own mind, by these people. I think about therapists and my mother the most, they were very persuasive. And I deeply associated most things with stuff they said. I can't think of anything without therapists "giving advice" in my head.
I can't do most things because I will feel a therapist is saying it's healthy or unheatlhy, encouraging me or discouraging me, etc.. Many times associated with flashes of actual memories and things they said, kinda being inserted into the current situation by me.
And I hated those therapist and my whole life so much, and all these situations and problems I
Or I remember my mother's constant games of approval and disapproval, making me stressed out and repulsed by most things out of sheer frustration.

How do I forget what these people did to me? I feel like I'm the victim of a failed brainwashing experiment. It's really unbearable to live like this. How do I stop associating things with stuff they tried to convince me of? I have absolutely no identity or personality. I don't exist. I'm a shambling piece of meat plagued by a mental hell of criticism from the past, and trauma. How do I forget these awful people and their effects on my mind?


You know what's worse about this? My mother used to talk about very similar symptoms about herself when I was very young, and already said I would have them, before I did (I'm talking about the association of personal thoughts and feelings with negative intrusive thoughts, that inhibit personality or personal will and cause anxiety and anger towards specific abusive people). Wonder if she just managed to copy her own problems to me very succesfully, or if I just inherited genetically traces of her mental illness, making it something not learned or creaed by trauma, but just a symptom of something I have.



Also, sorry about the confusing post, I hurt my back and feel very uncomfortable typing this.

first of all ((hugs)) and i hope you'll accept one xx


Secondly, your story made my throat hurt.. i also have c-PTSD and i know how tough is it to start making changes to years and years of programming/brainwashing..

c-PTSD is literally explained as layer after layer of trauma which must be unpicked a layer at a time in order to heal..


Okay; what would you like to start changing/achieving first about your life.. if we place you at the start of a line at the moment, with your first goal a bit further down the line.. what is your current goal..?

c-PTSD needs gradual unravelling so it's best to start gently instead of trying to deal with everything at once..

Do you have a therapist right now and if not then i think it might be a good idea to find one.. i'm sure the thought of talking to another one will be awful for you but please try and remember that as an adult you have the perfect right to be listened to and heard (you also did as a child but..)..

make sure you stand firm with the psych and explain exactly what you want help with.. don't allow them to take notice of your notes from what happened with your mother - just write down exactly what you've written here and take it along with you..

baby steps xx

scepticalblahblah wrote:first of all ((hugs)) and i hope you'll accept one xx


Secondly, your story made my throat hurt.. i also have c-PTSD and i know how tough is it to start making changes to years and years of programming/brainwashing..

c-PTSD is literally explained as layer after layer of trauma which must be unpicked a layer at a time in order to heal..


Okay; what would you like to start changing/achieving first about your life.. if we place you at the start of a line at the moment, with your first goal a bit further down the line.. what is your current goal..?

c-PTSD needs gradual unravelling so it's best to start gently instead of trying to deal with everything at once..

Do you have a therapist right now and if not then i think it might be a good idea to find one.. i'm sure the thought of talking to another one will be awful for you but please try and remember that as an adult you have the perfect right to be listened to and heard (you also did as a child but..)..

make sure you stand firm with the psych and explain exactly what you want help with.. don't allow them to take notice of your notes from what happened with your mother - just write down exactly what you've written here and take it along with you..

baby steps xx

Already went to psychologists after growing up.. disastrous and traumatic as well. Brazil doesnt have good, ethical therapists. And I dont really think therapy is for me.

-- Mon May 05, 2014 7:56 am --

twistednerve wrote:

scepticalblahblah wrote:first of all ((hugs)) and i hope you'll accept one xx


Secondly, your story made my throat hurt.. i also have c-PTSD and i know how tough is it to start making changes to years and years of programming/brainwashing..

c-PTSD is literally explained as layer after layer of trauma which must be unpicked a layer at a time in order to heal..


Okay; what would you like to start changing/achieving first about your life.. if we place you at the start of a line at the moment, with your first goal a bit further down the line.. what is your current goal..?

c-PTSD needs gradual unravelling so it's best to start gently instead of trying to deal with everything at once..

Do you have a therapist right now and if not then i think it might be a good idea to find one.. i'm sure the thought of talking to another one will be awful for you but please try and remember that as an adult you have the perfect right to be listened to and heard (you also did as a child but..)..

make sure you stand firm with the psych and explain exactly what you want help with.. don't allow them to take notice of your notes from what happened with your mother - just write down exactly what you've written here and take it along with you..

baby steps xx

Already went to psychologists after growing up.. disastrous and traumatic as well. Brazil doesnt have good, ethical therapists. And I dont really think therapy is for me.

Thanks for the reply. I just think therapy is a reenforcer of all the memories and thinking styles... i shudder just thinking about it.

Thanks for the reply. I just think therapy is a reenforcer of all the memories and thinking styles... i shudder just thinking about it.

^ i know

It took me 15 years to start trusting in the idea of therapy again and i only trusted them because i met a really lovely one through my daughters school.. one of the mothers in the playground..
I didn't have much therapy as a child but we all had to go to family counselling for a few sessions.. it was awful and my sister still gets triggered by the idea of therapy now.. she literally runs in the other direction or panics and shakes..


I hope you'll consider thinking about trying therapy again but please feel free to message me if you need a hand with finding a starting point with the c-ptsd.. i'm a bit worried about what just happened in another forum..
if not me then a moderator for advice or the venting forum to release feelings where you're being heard but left alone to say whatever you need to in anyway you need to.. xx