My mind is confused

I have been attacked 4 times in my life time either sexual abuse, assault or rape and the most recent was about 15 months ago.
One evening I was having a drink as this was on my head and I became upset and when I was drunk I told my friend what had happened. She called the police and I then became quite angry and ended up getting arrested and was taken to a police station where they pulled off my clothing. All I can recall is feeling like I was being attacked again and shouting them to stop.
I now have flashbacks of it as it felt like I was attacked again and the thought of them touching me and seeing my naked body stays in my mind all day. I feel like I was attacked again and I do not know how to get over it. I now feel very wary of the police and cant understand how I get over this.

I am sorry that these things have happened to you. I too have been diagnosed with PTSD. I have a lot of the same symptoms. I don't understand how you got arrested. You weren't doing anything wrong by the sounds of it and I can't see how they had the right to do what they did. Your reactions are normal considering what's happened. You are not alone. Blessings and warm wishes to you.

Chantel ♥

They arrested me for breach of the peace. But the feeling of them removing all of my clothing and leaving me naked in the cell for 4 hours is still with me and I keep getting flashbacks of this all the time. I was drunk at the time and passed out whilst they were removing my clothing and i can feel like a body memory by my privates, like someone touched me there. I know they search you for self harm reasons but they never ever told me who touched me and i have no idea if they were even male or female, all i know is what my body can recall feeling.

I have tried to complain and find out exactly what happened but the police lied and said i was never naked which is not true, and as there was no cctv in the cell i cant prove it. They also said that no one touched me, but if no one did, why does my body feel like this.
The constant pictures in my head all the time are like a video constantly re playing trying to fit all the jig saw pieces together and the humiliation of it all is enormous, knowing that i was simply left naked in any position whilst male or female officers could see me through the door.

In addition to this i wake up at night with panic attacks and can feel someone touching me but there is no one there. its all such a lot to deal with by myself. I am currently on a waiting list for a therapist but it takes a long time and until then i am just left to manage by myself, which i am just not doing a good job of right now as i self harm by overdosing on my medication in order to sleep at night so that i don't have to wake up feeling someone touching me.

I have tried to access help until i get to see the therapist but it seems that there is no body out there that can help and i am just told to find a way to manage by myself.

I just wish i had a big eraser to rub it all out of my memory. I have tried distracting myself but that doesn't seem to work any more and am really at a loss as to what to do to manage the constant flashbacks, panic attacks and the body memories.

another thing that has completely confused me and is concerning me is that since then i find that i don't enjoy ' normal ' sex anymore and that i am in fact becoming interested in things lie bdsm and such like. i don't know why this is. im wondering if it is because of the way that they basically attacked me but this is all very weird and concerning to me. i cant just have normal sex, its like that's not enough and i have to have sex where you are humiliated or hurt. I really don't want this type of sex life and its all a bit too much for me. but i don't know how to just get back to my normal self. it feels like its taking over my life in many ways.

Also due to my self harming, i often have to attend hospital, yet due to what happened i am terrified of hospitals as i am scared that they are going to remove my clothes and leave me naked. i know they probably wont but the thought is so scary that i just end up refusing to go as im so scared. its like my head has decided that i wasn't safe in a police station which is a place of safety so i cant feel safe in a hospital either. its the thought of someone touching me if i am asleep that is scary to me and having to remove my clothing is terrifying. if i do attend the hospital, i usually only remove my clothing if i can put 2 gowns on and have 3 blankets to cover me, and only then do i feel safe and covered up.

i just wish all of this would go away and i could have my life back, but instead i get told that this will never goo away and i will have it for the rest of my life.

to think that id going to have to see myself being attacked every day for the rest of my life is that horrid an option, i usually end up feeling that id rather not be alive that have this forever. its like being attacked every single day.

Maybe if I share my story, we can help each other.

20 years ago I was committed to several mental institutions. The first one I was defiant, they wanted me to undress and put on clothes they provided. They ended up stripping me naked, dressing me up in their clothes, and then tying me down for about 24 hours.

I still can not fathom the reason for this. If they were truly 'helping' me, then they would not have left me homeless and hopeless afterwards, which they did.

Soon after that incident, after being tied down, they transferred me to an institution that was hundreds of miles away, in handcuffs. I can still feel the handcuffs on my wrist.

Then when I took the first shower after I arrived, I opened the curtain, and the guy that was cleaning the floors was staring at my naked body. He said something like 'checking for tattoos'. It felt like rape. I look back on it and it feels like at least 'mind rape'.

I may be schizophrenic, but it feels like I was simply systematically abused. A person would think that police are there to protect and serve, and that mental institutions are there to actually help people. It seems like it is exactly the opposite.

Hang in there. Maybe the human beings of this world will survive the abusers of this world. We certainly need more humans and less abusers.

A hug crazysurvival.

Dasychain were there reasons to imprison you? Was this "breach of the peace" true?

no it wasn't, but what can you do.. the police just use 'breach of peace' when they have nothing to arrest you for. its the was the people that are meant to keep you safe are these days.. they don't keep you safe at all, lie and abuse you and get away with it.

I think its important to understand the facts of that day knowing if you give some reason (even if remote, too little) to caught you, if it has been created bitterness between you and the police.
Or really your friend called them for your rape, they just arrive and immediately took you.

Thank you crazy survival for sharing that.

I always thought that the police were there to help us and keep us safe, now I know that they are people that you should be very weary of, as they can treat you how they like and get away it. Its not right, but it appears to be the world today. when I feel down and not myself, I try to tell myself that I have to carry on as if I dont, its like they are winning still and have some kind of power over me. so I try my best. I have now contacted my mental health centre and am awaiting an appointment with a doctor within the next few days, with a view to seeing a therapist afterwards. hopefully I will be better soon. I know this will never go away, but if I can find a way t manage it so that I can have my old life back again as best as possible hen I ll be ok.

Pay attention also to them.