the feeling is getting worse each morning

Hi all, here is my story, sorry for the long post, but I would much appreciate if someone read, I am 24 and from a very conservative jewish community where finding a girl willing to have sex before marriage is impossible, besides that I was not really confident 2 years ago. I no longer practice my religion but the way I was grown up is still in me. 3 years ago one evening , I could no longer handle my sexual urges so I found a dodgy brothel and had sex with one of the woman, really bad experience, she was dirty and i could hardly maintain an erection. I was really upset with that event so a year later, i visited another brothel to try overcome the first one i visited, it was a thai brothel with what seemed to be really attractive 'women', I had sex with one, 'she' had a very nice figure and was feminine, but the sex was strange, the 'vagina' was strange, it had no feeling inside (i did not know srs surgery even exsisted back then) i however managed to complete the act and climaxed with a handjob . 2 years later (last month) , when casually talking about this place with soneone, I've found out that this brothel i visited had only, post op ( sex changed) thai men, I was utterly shattered , devastated, I done some proper research which confirmed this and explained the very 'tall' asian women. its been a month since i've found out and I am going through ridiculous amounts of stress, regret, disgust, and trauma, I am not eating or cannot sleep in peace. I will not consider myself homophobic because I have a few friends who are gay and lesbian and respect them for that. I however was utterly turned off by myself engaging in any sexual intimacy with a member of the same sex. It really puts me off to even think about it. to realise that
1.) slept with what was once a man, and put my penis into an artificially made vagina thinking its the real thing
2.) I had only 2 sex experiences in my life and both were completely disgusting

ever since finding out , I have been completely put off sex. you can show me the hottest woman in the world nude willing to have sex with me, but I will vomit because flashback of the ladyboy will always come to mind, I haven't had an erection or masturbated since finding out, my testosterone levels are dropping, I can feel a considerable loss of muscle mass and confidence, I am not the person I was , I am very depressed , I tried watching a porno today but all i could picture was the lab made women. I feel deceived. one of my fundamental feelings of sexuality had been deceived and destroyed. I am at the lowest of lows i've been in my life, I will never find a girlfriend because every women i see, i picture a deceiving man, I have been vomitting crazy and in a total mental fog, brushing my teeth even seems like climbing everest.
Please, can anyone transgenderd not feel offended, as I said its the way i was grown up I cant change that, and its my personal preference i think i'm entitled to, not liking a person who was once a man.
will i ever overcome this horrendous mess I've found myself in?
its not like failing college or crashing my dad new car or being a social outcast or being very poor, all those can br fixed, I have a feeling that the mental damage i have experience regarding what sex is, is not repairable, my brains wiring has been damaged for good. someone please help me, i wouldn't mind talking to an anonymous therapist via email or anyone, I have never felt to uneasy and devastated in my life. The only 2 sexual experiences I ever had was a complete disaster and my brain and penis wont even respond to ever have another sexual experience. I go through phases of acceptance, where I accept what has happened and I forget about it. But not long before, booom! it all hits me again like a ton of knives and bricks and I have to gather myself again from my mental wreck. please help

I'm sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing from what you have been through. I think you should be exceptionally wary of anyone contacting you privately to discuss your issues...

It sounds like this has caused some fairly pervasive problems for you- have you considered seeing a professional therapist to help?

A trans person isnt a "deceiving man" and if you are aware that your perception is flawed, then I'm sorry but "the way I was grown up" ceases to be of import to me (I was raised homophobic and transphobic, and I no longer am at a young age because its not a good way to be). "I was raised X" is a reason for being a way, but not a reason to not change. So actively work to change.

I'm sorry your experiences have gone poorly, but post-op trans women are not men. Even pre-op trans women are not men. They are women. If you realize and accept this, then that would solve your problem, no? You wouldn't picture a deceiving man but instead a woman. Furthermore, don't blame the sex worker for your lack of research before going out and having casual sex.

Your perception of someone's identity is literally 100% irrelevant as to that person's self definition, and vice versa. Gender is nothing but a construct. A penis does not make someone a man. If it did, then would a veteran who loses his penis during combat be any less of a man? No.

Therefore, logically, one MUST conclude that a penis does not make someone a man. It similarly follows that a vagina, etc, does not make one a woman. So what is it? What does it even MEAN to be a man, or woman?

is it a role? Such as men hunting, fighting, women cooking, cleaning? Obviously not since those are completely constructed.

ColourJinx I think it's important to realise that the issue here is not to debate the technical legimacy or perception of what constitutes a man or a woman but instead to concentrate on the fact that this experience for steven is causing him difficulties. Hopefully your words will be of some help to steven's perception of the gender of the person his experience was with and provide him with some reassurance but it is not always so simple to change your perception of a situation that has caused you some distress...

True, but that's part of what healing constitutes, a changing of perception. I'm not saying it's simple, of course for this subject it seems so to me because I am already on the other end of it, and that may reflect in the way I speak, but I understand it isn't a simple or easy task to change.

(Plus, I think I am being pretty fair considering a lot of things steven has said, even though no offensiveness was "meant", have been outrageously offensive)

A part of sexuality isn't actually a total and complete aversion to incidental violations of such sexuality (whether through perception from self or deception from another). Like, a guy can be kissed by another guy and not be disgusted by it. That's not a part of being heterosexual. Sexual preference is a difference between attraction and apathy, not attraction and aversion.

I know you say you don't consider yourself homophobic because you have gay and lesbian friends, but disgust and stress at having had a sexual interaction with someone you perceive to be of the same sex indicates to me otherwise (and having gay and lesbian friends does not exclude someone from experience homophobia, which itself is a broad term although it doesn't seem like it would be). Furthermore, the thing entire is indicative to me of transphobia. You can have the preference of only wanting to experience sex with cis women (that is, women who identify with their birth assigned gender and sex) without considering trans women to be men.

I can't attest to the skill of the surgeons involved with your two relations, but I assure you a typical and properly performed SRS is not "lab made" or in any way fake, it need not involve any tissue that one wouldn't find in a cis woman's vagina. In fact, early in the womb before hormone generation, the sexual bodies of both the male and female fetus are the same, and it is the production of testosterone hormones that causes the progenitor of the female clit, to develop into a penis.

While these two events have clearly been cataclysmic for you, it seems suggested to me that you have been experiencing sexual insecurities and difficulties before this event occurred and that should be a focus for you.

Whatever the case I assure you the damage you have incurred is reparable.

@salted lipstick, i have considered seeing a therapist, but as I said, I live is a small community where it would be the end of me if a story like this ever came out, and having to live with the paranoia of knowing that another person knows of this event, I am sincerely grateful for all the understanding any further advise would be much appreciated

@ colourjinx, I am really sorry for any personal offence but I was hoping that no transgender person comes across this post because I knew that the argument would be changed to me being discriminatory instead of me being helped with my PTSD, In order to understand it from my point of view you need to understand that the whole concept of someone having a sex change and getting a vagina was foreign to me until i found it out last week, please try to fathom the amount of new information and accompanying disturbing events that my mind has to deal with, As a biological male, instinctively one is attracted to a female who shows the best signs of fertility, its how evolution works, men were not made to accepting such occurrences, they have been taught to accept instances where nature has made mistakes with biology, hence I show such depression and trauma over the past events. Thank you for your advise , much appreciated

what seems to be the worse part is the graphic flashbacks I keep getting of this prostitutes pubic hair, and my penis entering the neo vagina (which i've recently found out is an inverted male penis) , I keep getting these kind of sweaty panic attacks just before falling asleep which recalls a thickish male voice moaning during the whole event, yesterday , this panic attack made me so sick I needed to run to the bathroom to throw up, my mum asks me why i'm throwing up and I tell her its because of my acid reflux,

my head is always foggy and cannot make proper decisions even driving or working, I am upset at myself for not knowing such things earlier in life, I am so nauseas i have not eaten a proper meal in days, the bad feeling goes sometimes where i accept what happens, then it comes back, and when it comes back, it comes back worse than ever

I am really sorry Steven for what you've been through. I've grown up around conservative communities, most of my early years, (I have Jewish people in my family), and I know some communities are very closed and information is shared on a "need to know" type of basis, or not talked about, at all.

The fact that it's not something you feel you can go to your family about, or even a counselor, is difficult. I know there are counselors available online, I actually used one several years ago in the past, would that be something that would be possible for you? Or, are all counseling options off the table?

I hope, and I do believe, that shock of what you experienced will be processed, in due time, but I know what you're going through, it's still early in the game, so to speak. I think talking about it, whatever you feel comfortable is good. It's important, I believe to have support, and validation for your trauma, no matter how it happened--the damage is there. Best wishes to you for healing.

Hi Orcus
Thank you for input, i honestly would not mind an online counsellor,but i somehow feel that it would not change the facts of what has occurred and hence i am going to remain in this state, I have somehow gotten a very odd phobia for asian people after sleeping with this thai prostitute, like in my work place today, there is this really attractive lady who i've been wanting to get to know for months, I saw her and all graphical images of the transgender prostitute came to mind which made me look away and get very nauseas , I've done so much wrong on my standards, prostitution, and intercourse with the same sex, i actually got sexually turned on by a male thinking its a female, and to make it worse no one i know even knows , they all see me losing weight not taking care of my appearance, not eating, not talking vomiting, and i am saying I have flu, if I do ever tell them i know for certain they will be so upset that they will go into a depression and never look at me in the same way, my life would be ruined, perhaps an online counsellor could work, i'l give it a shot, I will try anything out to help me

I'm glad you're open to online counseling. It won't change what has happened, but, perhaps could help you where you are right now, give you some tools for coping with the effects of what has happened. Additionally, have you had a chance to read the thread on this forum, "Information Thread: PTSD"? The thread is currently right above this one, pinned. I began reading it a few days ago, and there is a lot of good information there, including "Grounding Techniques" in a post on the first page of the thread.

Grounding Techniques, in general, have helped me a lot when I get intrusive memories of my own events. Often, it helps me break the chain of re-experiencing the event in my mind, at least for a little while. Grounding could help you feel more that you are in the "here and now" and help you focus on current moments, rather than the trauma. Give it a shot, try it out maybe, if you haven't already.

Eating problems, sleeping problems, and avoidance of things that remind you of what happened (in your case, Asian people, maybe), are all things I went through, and still do, to some degree. I can't watch HGTV because it reminds me of the person that caused my trauma, for instance, and I too have problems with a broad swath of people that remind me of my trauma. It is not rational, but it is there. You are not alone in that, and I am sure many of us have had similar symptoms, in our own traumas, in our own ways, and it is something that we all try to work through.

About your vomiting and losing body integrity. I am thin and dropped about fifteen pounds in a very short time for similar reasons. For a while, I had no appetite at all. And, my intrusive memories would not make me vomit, but I was dry heaving a lot. I was living with family, and kind of had to eat what was there, are you living with family, as well?

Are there any foods that feel comforting to you? For a week or two, I could only eat soft foods like pudding, or macaroni and cheese, soups. My family knew what happened, but really weren't supportive in going out of the way to find me things to eat. I had to find things that worked, and I did. I had no desire to eat, and I had the nausea. I think it is important to nourish yourself, if you have favorite foods, that have good memories attached to them, maybe try to see if you can find some of your own comfort foods, in some way.

thank you, please let me know what online counsellor you used, last night was really bad i had dreams about nasty naked asian male prostitutes torturing me. I woke up with panic attacks about 5 times, my heart is racing and I am sweating like crazy, the butterflies in my stomach make it impossible to even drink a glass of water, I am shaking I am in a zone my mind hasn't been before in, the flashbacks just keep hitting me more and more intensely . I do live with my family and they all asking me what's the matter, I feel so dirty i desenitize the bathroom after using it, how do i go on like this