New to the forum

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum. So Hi .
I am looking for some direction or information. I have done a ton of research myself but find relating to others is more informative. I will make this as brief as possible. I was dx with PTSD at 14 by a school psychologist. I grew up in a very neglectful family and was sexually abused most of my childhood. In my early teens I started to experince what I now know as panic attacks. I had the very frequently and had no means of calming myself. The psychologist dx me with this due to the panic attacks, isolation, disassociation and nightmares. Anyways she wasn't a very good psychologist and didn't help me out with this dx. I stopped seeing her shortly after. I have seen 2 other counsellors in the last 10 years but found them to be unqualified to help me out. Basically in short I am wondering if PTSD can go away on its own for real? I don't have the same symptoms exactly as a kid and am wondering if I'm just living with scars or is it still there? I'm 30 years old and this is a general overview of how I feel now.
* i currently have nightmares very often. They usually ruin my morning or day
* I have great spans of years where I don't have anyone close to me ie: friends. Right now it's been about 2 years. Basically I have a lot of friends but I fail to stay in contact. People enjoy to hang out with me but I just never get close to people. I can't seem to form friendships beyond my facade
* I loose track of time in the sense I loose everything, forget conversations, appts etc
* I am in utmost control of everything in my life. I never miss work and have very high expectations of my performance. My indepence, emotions, choices etc.
* I feel "cold" for periods of time. I just don't either need or want touch. My kids are the only exception. Once in a very blue moon I feel cold but I can easily overcome it with them
* I have very particular anxieties that I avoid. I don't like to sit or stand with my back to anyone. I don't shower or do any activities at night when I can't be fully alert. I don't go to movies or crowded places bc I can't be aware enough. Etc
* I avoid people or situations that make me feel anxious. I have a very hard time with my partners parents bc families scare me. I have lost my entire family bc of their inability to be healthy. I think I avoid bc I'm not great with boundaries

Anyways this is just a few of my current feelings. I really don't want to go back to therapy and am trying to self help. So any insight would be great. It seems like these things would be a result to anyone who grows up like that. So is it really a condition for me?
Sorry it's so long...and thank you in advance

Welcome to the forum, Madison. I'm sorry for the abuse you've suffered, and for the aftermath effects. Your description would be consistent with PTSD and the major anxieties that accompany it. The behaviors you describe are coping mechanisms that help you to deal with the anxiety. As you rightly have observed, they interfere with your ability to interact with others.

In terms of self-help, you seem to have a good awareness of the problems, so that is a plus. Your goals would be to reduce the anxieties and break away from the coping behaviors, towards more normal ones.

Just my opinion, but I think the problem with self-helping anxiety is that the changes in behavior that are necessary to get better, tend to cause further anxiety. So there is a kind of built-in pre-disposition to avoid change, that may limit or retard your progress. We all have a bit of this resistance to change within us, but it's highly amplified by anxiety. It may be that this will be evident to you from the 10 years you have spent without substantially changing your condition.

That's not to say that self-help can't happen, but the rate of progress is likely to be limited by the severity of the anxiety. It could take a long time, and some hurdles you might not be able to overcome on your own. There is a real benefit in having another's objective viewpoint, and an encouraging coach. You would still need that from someone if you want to try self-help.

So I know you said you don't want therapy, but I think the reality is that you will do better with it than without it, despite your previous unfortunate experiences. There's been quite a bit of evolution in the understanding and treatment of PTSD in the last few years. Others in the forum may be able to recommend specific practices that have helped them.

I think if you look specifically for someone who specializes in PTSD resulting from sexual abuse, and with knowledge of the newer techniques, they could really help you. But you should do your research first, interview them, and take an active role in choosing the therapist and explaining to them what you'd like to get out of it. Being actively in control like that will be consistent with your present behaviors, and will lessen your anxiety. It will also greatly increase the chances of the therapy being a positive and beneficial experience for you, rather than what happened to you before. Therapy is a lot like life, you get out of it what you put into it. You don't want to be passive.

I hope that helps, and that whatever you decide, you are able to make some progress on your condition, and lead a healthier and happier life.

Thank you for responding to my post with so much thought.
I am hoping I will eventually attend therapy again but like you mentioned it is part of my avoidance.
It's so strange how alone in the world we all feel yet there are so many people living exactly like us.
Forums like this show that. Hopefully I can offer/get something out of it
Thanks again