Help me please, I need to know how to handle this!

Hi.
I usually post to the DID forum, but I also was diagnosed with PTSD, and during counseling for the PTSD the therapist found out that I am DID, along with other things.
My ex-finacee'. my emotional, physical, spiritual, mental and physical abuser of close to four years has just contacted me in a message via facebook after almost a year of being apart. I left in January I think. Anyway, he did try to kill me and I know that he is a narcissist as well as other things, but this whole time we have been apart, and I ignored him and he would call me like 80 times in a row, no exaggeration, all of the time trying to get me back. Well, I still love him or have some type of attachment to him and I don't know why. I have literally had a psychotic break because I missed him so much that the emotional pain went to physical pain and was so excruciating, that when I finally fell asleep that night, when I woke up I didn't know who I was or where I was. I didn't even know to look in my purse for my ID because I didn't know what a purse was, it lasted around 6 to 8 hours. I was scared out of my mind. I would fall back to sleep and twice when I awoke I started having bits and pieces of my memory come back to me so i had a pencil and paper close by and I started writing my name, my address and what car I drove. I was writing fast because it seemed like it was leaving as fast as it came to me. When I woke up in the morning I was in my right mind. I found what I wrote the night before and it was part of my first name, the wrong address and a car I used to drive years ago.
Anyway, it was triggered by the emotional attachment to him and memories bringing such pain. The thought of him living a good life and he is very good looking, so I know he was with several women, just tore me up inside. I just wanted to hear his voice, but because I broke all ties with him and got a restraining order on him and told him repeatedly to leave me the hell alone, this happened over probably 8 months, he begged me to come back, told me how he was working now, which he didn't do the last time I was with him, and he told me he would take care of me, which was one thing he would do, when he wasn't hurting me, he would walk miles in the snow to go to get my meds, his licence was suspended, and I was so sick I couldn't drive at times due to some physical ailments as well.
Anyway, there it was,in my other mail on facebook. It had been there since the 14th and I hadn't even seen it. I feel intensely about him, I love him so much and I don't know why? Why do I love him? I seriously have had offers from very nice looking normal men who could support me and who have wanted to take care of me, but I can't even go on a date because of the way my abuser treated me,calling me ugly and fat and made fun of my body..when I am not ugly or fat at all, I am thin and I have younger men than me ask me out regularly, so I think im not ugly, but maybe I am? And mainly I won't go on a date because I still "love" him. Please someone help me? Is this really love? And if it is how do I quit him? And if it isn't love-please someone tell me what it is?
This man when we were together went so far as to take my pain medications and even take the pain patches off of my body and I would get in trouble with my doctor because my levels weren't correct.I would go thru horrible withdrawals. As well, he would lie about it and had me believing that I was over-taking my meds, which is one thing I have never done and never did do. And as soon as I would leave him, like magic I always had the meds I needed and never ran out. when we were together If I didn't share with him he would punish me by keeping away from me and holing up in the bedroom and not allowing me in, always yelling at me and telling me how much more beautiful one of his ex;s body was compared to mine. So I would give in to keep the peace. I was always accused of cheating and looking at men, and I never cheated, not one time.
I could go on and on, victims of domestic violence know this cycle. I am between therapist right now as I have moved so Im just needing to know what to do? With him, with myself and how do I cope with this because I had just started doing better and things were looking up when I got his email. Now it feels like it's all crumbling down around me again, and I am so confused.
I don't want another psychotic break, and I don't want to get suicidal again.
Does anyone have any suggestions??
Sorry for writing a novel-no one may read this, but if you do, please, if you have any thoughts of what to do or how to cope with this I am open to any and all help. Please?

Ive been in a bit of similar situation once. You need to stay away from this person by any means possible
delete, block, do not think about it. try and occupy your mind with other thing. anything...and breathe, watch funny things, distance your mind from this event.

Is it love? No... If you have to ask if it its love, then its not.. Love does not hurt... Love is simple... Love is direct. Love is pure. It does not manipulate or lie....

What you have is an addiction, just like for a drug. Your body, mind and soul screams out for the drug... Tells you that you need the drug to get better, to be whole, that the only way you can heal is with the drug. In truth, the drug will kill you...

All of the songs tell us that we need to find our other, better halves... But the songs all lied.. the equation is wrong. Its not addition, its multiplication. The only way it works is if its two whole people. Your ex sounds like the only way he feels whole is by making you less of a person.... You need to find somebody that will lift you up on to a pedestal. When he did all of those amazing things for you, he wasn't doing it for you, he was doing it so he could be the hero... Move on with your life, like the OP said, delete your social accounts, break all contact with him. It will be hard, but you have to go through the withdrawal symptoms, and then you can live again. You deserve more.

Wow. That's a sobering thought. I'm not the addictive personality type, so i have never had a problem with meds. of any kind. But he MUST be my addiction. Oh my God!
Thank you both for your help. I am understanding this from a whole different perspective.

Sorry, I couldn't read your entire original post. But what I did read--my heart goes out to you very much. Have you ever read about Stockholm Syndrome or betrayal bonds? There are attachments that can develop between victim and abuser that are different than being in love. There can be a tremendous loyalty. It may be that the terrible trauma you've experienced with this man has bound you to him in deep ways that you're having a tough time extricating yourself from. Wishing you much healing and freedom.

Caeri, thank you for that thought. I have heard of this but never studied it in detail, either one, but you have a good point! I am going to check into these and see what my therapist thinks, when I find another one.It has been a sheer living hell.
Thank you so much.

Lightbearer, I hope you find the answers you need and a good therapist, too. I know it's not always easy to find the right person. Take care....

Well Light Bearer. I feel you want people to understand your situation and offer you a possible reason as to why these things are happening around you.

That's PSTD right? Being bombarded from everywhere, from every direction by conflicting influences and reeling in anxiously, causing anxiety and nervousness. Hey, at least you aren't paranoid, perhaps you put alot of faith into people.

Boyfriends are a crazy bunch. They fall in love, they try to learn, "how to love", if they make mistakes, it pains the Girlfriend, and if it ever gets painful or too much for them they get angry. Eventually though, love turns them around into desperate types and that might explain the phone calls, and him trying to "love you", wants the pain killers gone, because you probably look lifeless and dying to them. Something else to blame besides himself. Probably oblivious to how he hurts others.

I can't even go on a date because of the way my abuser treated me,calling me ugly and fat and made fun of my body..

Whoa, whoa... I guess we shouldn't blame him too much, he doesn't even really know what is happening. He's calling you in desperation.

Now the doctors are telling you something different, they want you to be pain free, and lifeless, for better, and in some cases that appears worse.

If I were you, I'd go on vacation, and stop taking the pain killers. Live life, feel it, grow it. Why kill it?

Anyways, both your doctors and boyfriends are probably trying to help you but may be doing more damage to you. I mean your boyfriend doesn't sound like a very gentle person, or self-responsible, at all. Your doctors, seem to want to turn you into a zombie.

How do you feel about yourself going through all of this? Probably not as good as without all of it, but yeah, experience is worth it, long term, and so is love, temporary, or not.

As you probably already know, the love is "over" and now it's an addiction cycle. You are young. I'd keep the boyfriend at a real big distance till he learns to be more way way way more calm, or stay away until you learn how to control him (it's possible), or leave them all together and see about more young men so you can learn more about love. I'd find a Councillor rather than a doctor and try to get off some of those drugs, your boyfriend can see how they may be effecting you.

Find some things that will make you feel confident as well, like dancing, or sports or study.

Hope this helps... If you think I am wrong anywhere, please do say so...

Thank you to the other two that replied, I appreciate both sides, the stockholm study, very like what happened to me-strange-but -true!
And wow-if I could stop taking the meds I so would. If I don't take them I don't have the use of my legs, which sucks. But with them I can do halfway normal things just at a slower pace. I used to go shopping til I was dropping, but now, the cart I hold on to for balance and strength and I just get in and get out-no fun for me anymore, I was hopeful that I could change my abuser, I believe it is true, I have trained other boyfriends before-haha..but he is a true narcissist. Down to the very last hair on his gorgeous blonde head.
I just don't get why he texts me and says, " Im going on a date and I'm gonna do ..blah blah blah" So he will hurt me, now I don't hardly cry, it hurts a little,but that is what he wants from me, a response. So I have not responded and he is going nuts. Let him. Bastard tried to kill me, and I stabbed him back in self defense and to keep him from hurting a little old lady. I won't be a victim anymore. I refuse.
Thanks again guys!

Hang in there! It does get a little bit better every day, though some days it may feel like you backslide. Just always remember you don't need him, but as a narcissist, he does need you to validate him. And as for training, my recommendation is you leaving the training to another person and find a person that is already house broken lol.