*TW* New to this particular forum... having flashbacks

I am a regular poster on the BPD (borderline) forum. I have been having flashbacks lately and feel I may get more support for that here. Or rather, more understanding? I don't know. I just spent the last hour cutting up my arm and then dousing the cuts with alcohol to try and get rid of the pain I feel inside, but it is not working and I want to die. I just don't want my husband to find me bleeding out and he will be home at any time now. So, here I am, so I don't go through with suicide.

Here's my story: Before I was reacquainted with the honorable man who is now my husband, I was in an abusive relationship for about five years. I was married to my abuser but it was not (he was verbally clear on this) a marriage of love but a marriage of convenience, as he was in the military and received higher pay with a dependent. This man (can't really call him a MAN) took my virginity and manipulted me throughout the entire relationship. He may have very well been a narcissist. What I learned from him was that sex is a gift I give someone because they deserve it. He never loved me. He forced me (non-violently, but with much emotional abuse and manipulation) to have anal sex with him on several occasions, during which I cried the entire time because of the pain. He knew I was crying and continued until he screamed in ecstasy. Following each episode, I spent a long time on the toilet expelling his semen and a whole lot of $#%^. The experience was awful but I felt he deserved to get satisfaction and I would do anything for him. I still hate myself for being too weak to stand up to him. Along with him taking advantage of me, his friend sexually assaulted me on a camping trip and he knew about it but did nothing, did not stand up for me, and continued to be friends with this person. He may have also assaulted me on another occasion previous to that, but I was black-out drunk and do not remember anything. I have also been drugged and raped by a childhood friend (or one of his friends at the party that night), but I never found out, just have little flashback moments of being sexed in the dark.

After all of this, I thought I'd found freedom through a friend. She helped me see that the way I was being treated was, in fact, abuse, and so finally got up the courage and I left him and got a dissolution of marriage. I never lived with him and so claimed to have never consumated the marriage. This all took a while to happen, and even after the fact I found myself calling him and wanting to see him. At one point, I thought I was finally free and vowed never to speak to him again, but I thought nothing of myself and so went on a binge drinking rampage and slept with probably 10+ strangers in less than a year. I was wasted off my ass every time. I thought I was having a bit of fun but in reality I was abusing myself because it was all I had ever known in the line of sex: I deserve only to be used. Never did I even try to have an orgasm myself but I always faked ecstasy for who I was with.

In 2009, I got back in touch with an old flame from days before my abuser. We went on a date and it was pretty instant. He has been my best friend ever since. I still carry the weight of my past and I do not know how to escape it entirely and maybe I never will. I feel terrible because I don't meet his needs and he is very sexual. I want to make him happy and I have given without receiving way more than is healthy in a good relationship. I admitted this to him the other day, which may have been a mistake, but I don't feel like I can give anymore. Reason being, more or less: For the past 10 years I have used cannabis on a daily basis for relief from the depression, pain, anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks, etc.... However, I found out in October that I am pregnant. (I go back and forth between feeling like I am horrible for letting this happen and I'm going to ruin this child's life -slash- it being the best thing that has happened to me since getting together with the man I'm with now). Well, since I can't use cannabis anymore, everything in my memories is coming back heavy, really heavy. I am having nightmares and flashbacks and I can't handle it... I am more depressed than ever and yet also trying harder than ever to keep up the "I'm doing fine" act because there is new life on the way. This baby shouldn't have to see me depressed because children have a way of taking everything upon themselves. I know because I grew up in a toxic environment and it was my job to make everyone feel better.

In closing, I feel completely hopeless, and every day feels like I am one step closer to really going through with suicide. I have no other options (aside from recovery and finding happiness, which is lost on me so far!) so if I am going to do it I had better take this little one with me so it is not abandoned. I am still in my first trimester and it's only a couple of weeks before it really feels too late even for that. I am so afraid that I cannot provide a child with what it needs to grow into a mentally and emotionally healthy adult. I feel so lost.

Hi,

I'm really sorry that no-one responded to your post sooner, this forum is a little inactive a lot of the time so think it's often overlooked. I'm really glad you didn't go through with suicide and you're sticking at it trying to recover, how are you doing now?

I'm sorry to hear about your previous partner, it sounds like a very traumatic time for you.. I'm glad you found comfort and love in your husband. Please don't hate yourself for how the men before treated you, as you said he manipulated you and it sounds like there wasn't a lot you could do to easily get out of the situation you were in.

It's a positive thing that the cannabis has stopped, it must have been difficult to give up something that had helped you with the emotions before and to adjusting to coping without that as well as the hormones you now have. In terms of suicide, I think you know in yourself that it's not what you want, you just feel it's your only option right now. But you have your husband to live for, your future and your baby. I honestly believe with everything you have been through without knowing you, you sound like you could be an amazing mother to this child. You've experienced a lot of hardship in your life but you can use that strength to help your child and develop them into the strong character you seem to be.

In terms of coping with the depression, have you ever tried the medication or therapy route? Does your husband know how you're feeling? By the sounds of it, you may really benefit from even speaking to him about how you feel and having his full support. Please keep posting though, I'd like to know how you're doing. I hope this helps in some way!