Recurrent flashbacks about being locked in a closet!

My whole life I have gotten recurrent flashbacks of being locked in a closet. I usually pushed the memory aside but now I'm realizing I should deal with it as its probably been causing a lot of my problems.

I'm claustrophic, have anxiety disorder, panic disorder, anger issues/BPD, etc.

I remember being about > 2 years old and being with my mother. We were visiting a strange man. My parents were already separated at this time and this must be a man my mother was dating or meeting for some reason like that.

I remember my mom asking me if I wanted to jump on the bed. This surprised me because she never let me jump on the bed at home even though I loved it. It was obvious she was just trying to distract me so she and the man could have private time. So I was jumping on the bed. The next thing in my memory was being in a closet and it was dark and stuffy and I was crying and screaming, probably banging on the door. I don't know how long that went on but eventually someone let me out.

Trying to put two and two together, I think they must have put me in the closet so they could be alone??? Maybe I fell asleep on the bed and they put me in there while I was asleep? I would not have put myself in the closet, that's not something I would ever have done.

Could this be a suppressed memory? I've always had this memory but was never sure if it was something I fabricated. Why would I fabricate that memory though? I think it was real and probably partially explains my claustrophobia, panic disorder, excessive fears of suffocation, fears of being restrained, etc. I can't stand anyone holding me down. Sometimes even during sex I start to panic from feeling smothered even when I'm not being smothered. I feel the same during cuddling, even just laying in bed alone often I feel smothered.

Could this be traced back to being locked in a closet?

Thanks in advance for your help!!!!!!

Hi

It definitely sounds possible, especially if you seem to remember a lot more about the memory too. Obviously only you can really answer that question, have you tried going to therapy to try uncover the memory?

Thank you for the reply carpediem!!!

It feels really good just to have it validated that this could be a real memory of a real event, even though of course no one can say for sure.

I never addressed it in therapy. It was such an early memory and something I've always tried to kind of push down. Its painful to accept the idea that my own mother would lock me in a closet so she could be intimate with some strange man. Its the only explanation that fits though.

I will bring this up when I get back into therapy!

Thank you again!!!!

If its bothering you then maybe it's a good idea to try and uncover it but you're right, it may make things more painful for you too.. It's kind of a lesser of two evils situation!
No problem, please let me know how it goes and I hope it does goes ok for you