PTSD, EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN

i am pretty new to this. i had a very abusive childhood emotionally, sexually and physical. i remember being in a crib and crying because i needed some form of care (hunger, wet etc.) a woman full of anger and rage came at me and kept yelling as she hit me for crying. I sucked my thumb and went back to sleep. The same woman bit me, kicked me, punched me, tortured, left bruises, welts and cuts from neck to ankles and i couldnt go to school for week until i healed. i constantly had bloody noses and fat lips. she would take my hair and swing me and pull back as hard as she could until i felt my neck jar and do this from one end of the apartment to the other. i had sores in my head and bumps that were painful. that woman was my mother. she told me that she tried to kill one of us when we were babies as well. the neighbor, my brother and grandmother sexually molested me.
i ended up with my 1st husband who was abusive and got divorced. the second one was also abusive but threw me for the second biggest terror of my life. he was so cruel that he worked his way in my life as a dream and left as the devil. he was so emotionally abusive that he almost worked my emotions to the point i couldnt function and wanted to commit suicide. i was there and ready and going to until my son called. Am I right in saying that I had an emotional breakdown? I still live my life in fear and cannot explain my suffering. there are times i cannot take the pain inside, it is so strong and hurts so badly that i cannot stand it or seem to make it go away. it keeps getting stronger and i cry and cry and cry. i cannot explain the pain in any words. I cannot even try to describe it in other ways. Its a pain worse than physical. It makes me feel as though i want to die and not feel this anymore.

Hi fallingstar,

It's safe to say you've experienced more than your fair share of hurt. Have you seeked any professional help with everything you've been going through, therapy or medication to help with the flashbacks? I know the kind of pain PTSD can bring, it can eat you up on the inside and force a lot of negative feelings of giving up but you are worth so much. Anyone who has treated you wrongly has these horrible issues themselves and it is not a reflection on you doing anything wrong as a person. I'm proud that even at your darkest time you pulled out any inner strength you had left for you and your son.

Stay strong

i am seeking help and i am taking meds. i feel as though ive done something wrong in life to have had these things happen. everyone tells me i should know better and that i get what i deserve....how would i know when this is all i knew? i was raised into abuse, raised to accept it myself. i wasnt raised to know how loving families live. i was isolated from everyone outside my home.
i cannot grasp what i did so wrong to have had so many broken hearts in life. i thank you for words of encouragement and your care. I appreciate it with all my heart. the pains inside me draws out a longer list of labels to put on me such as self dysmorphic syndrome, treatment resistant depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, bi polar....im scared of living.

I know the feeling and I've felt it a lot before myself but what you have to know is that none of this was because of anything you've done. You're the good person here, it is all the people who have hurt you that have the warped and twisted minds enough to hurt you. They've tried to break any hope and belief in yourself to help satisfy their need to hurt somebody. You've done nothing wrong at all, that is just how they want you to feel to have the power they want over others.
Carrying on may seem like the difficult option but once you escape all these negative people in your life it's time for you to live the kind of life you've wanted to lead before. They have no power over you anymore, you're still here and you're seeking help because you're strong enough to know that you can, somewhere deep down. Your son needs you too and this strength you feel is probably a lot to do with him but also yourself, you know there is someone worth living for in your life and something positive worth fighting for.