Experiencing Complex PTSD

Hi, Im Rhys. I believe im suffering from some sort of trauma disorder. Im highly dissociative, I cant remember certain traumas, only parts of them, for example when I was 7 me and my brother saved my mother from a suicide attempt, she tried to overdose, im not too sure what it was but she was slurring her words, vommiting, tired and didnt realise what was going on. I remember my brother crying at the top of the stairs saying DONT COME UP THE STAIRS crying hysterically, he must of been about 13 years old at the time. I was too young to process what was going on, I stayed downstairs (I cant remember what i done). All I remember next is seeing my mother going down the stairs being carried by doctors and nurses and my mother was slurring her words couldnt make her words out. This is all I remember, I cant remember how I was feeling, I cant remember what I was thinking and blocked out most of the experience. I remember a couple of years ago I used to remember every single detail of that experience but I have forgotten must of it.
I have also experienced alot of more traumatic experiences, I was in fostercare, I have been sexually abused by 3 people, Physically abused and neglected in one fosterhome and experienced severe phycological abuse from two very narcissistic fosterparents. They were extremely neurotic and I feel like their abuse is what caused me to be shy and socially anxious, They made me feel different from everyone else. The fostermother would say I was the fault of her ruined marraige, make me feel guilty and say I was useless and unloved and that my mother never loved me.
The fosterfather, well he was a bit of a sociopath, he was a cold and bitter person. He acted nice and charming to everyone, but spent one day alone with him you could see his true anger, his neurotic fears and his crazy rules. He would lock me in rooms for hours, take every bit of entertainment away from me for doing little things as a kid. And while I was being punished he would go over how bad my life was, how useless I was and said things to truly hurt me because he knew what I had been through and he knew my weaknesses.
The fostermother was the narcisistic. She would go on and say how she was better than my mother, better than my sister and better than me. She would say im a useless ***** and how I will never get anywhere in the world. She made me believe the only way I could survive in the world was by her and made me feel hopeless and powerless.
Even though all the experiences I had suffered before, the mental abuse was the worst. It really destroyed my personality, I can barely function anymore because of it and its been a year and a half since I got out of there. When something bad happens to me or someone says something mean I go back to that time. I always feel so hopeless.
I hate myself so much, I always feel like everythings my fault, like my mum killed herself when I came back to live with her, I feel like I did ruin their marraige and thats why they abused me (Makes sence). I feel like a burden to everyone, I have nightmares at nights and my mother says she hears me scream in my sleep. My old physically abusive fosterparents had to take me to a nightmare specialist and they said they heard me shouting *Im sorry*, Please dont hurt me* in my sleep. I find this unusual and sounds like ive had some sort of PTSD all my life.
I always feel hopeless, helpless like theres no point trying to help me. I feel like sucha horrible person and that I ruin everyones lives, The only attatchment with a person I have is with my mother, I cant love no one else and I dont know why, I try to let others in my life but I just cant love or trust them. I always feel so empty inside, I try to do things to fill that emptiness but nothings working. Everyday i get random panic attacks and the main reason is because I had a flashback!
I keep repressing my emotions, when I have a flashback I dissociative and it goes back to the back of my mind again, its like something my brain does naturally. I notice when im at school im always dissociating to the point where periods feel like 5 minutes. The classes go past too quick and i cant remember conversations I have with people.
People have told me I said this and that but I dont remember anything. I always feel confused and shocked at what others told me what I said. It makes me feel like my lifes unreal and my life seems so tragic it feels like a book or movie.
Theres other stuff that happen to that I dont like talking about. I Feel like by the time im 18 I would have killed myself and everydays so hard to get by, Everydays a chore and life means nothing to me anymore. Life seems so unbearable at the minute and its been like this for so long I dont think I will ever get better. Im so damaged and broken.
What should I do and sorry if this doesnt make sence my minds so scarrered all the time, I constantly have racing thoughts :/ I cant focus

Hi Rhys,

I'm wondering how many people you've spoken to about all this? I know it can be very difficult after all the people you feel have let you down and it must have taken a lot of strength to even post on here but it sounds like you could potentially really benefit from seeing someone professionally to get all of this out of your own system and help with the constant hurt it is causing you. It's always difficult to open up but in the long run it can really help give you some direction and the build up of keeping this all inside to deal with alone is probably only hurting you more. It can get better, it's just finding something that gives you hope. Please don't give up, you have been so brave and so strong in life that I really feel you can do this even without knowing you personally.

Carpediem46

Hi Rhys,
Your post is great, I can follow it just fine. What I can't understand is the people who would do this to a lovely young person. You are so brave and strong, and you have already shown that you can survive and continue on in the face of incredible adversity. Thanks for sharing your story with the world and you are deserving of the best help possible to find yourself in all of this, and to build the best possible life for yourself. You have taken a big step just to put this online, so, whenever you're ready you can reach out to a real therapist. It might take a few goes to get the right one. Also, reach out to people for friendship, when you are ready. There are some good people like you in this world.

Hi Rhys. I can't post much right now but just wanted to say hugs and your story had some similarities to mine. Like seeing mom's suicide attempt at 7. She was always in the psych ward leaving me home with my controlling dad. Eventually I could not handle school anymore. I left at middle school and now the 7 years of utter isolation after that are such a blur. I only saw my dad every few weeks even though I never went out and he was home every evening. I was so scared of him. He just collected the social security check. I think that's the only reason he let me stay locked in my room for all those years. Seeing his family was horrible. I lied to them to protect his image as a father. Any short coming in my fake education and invented life was my fault. Eventually I left him but the most painful part is to realize I am just repeating the abuse with my boyfriend as my father. Always locked in a room, no freedom except to try to appease him. I dissociate constantly too. And life feels so empty. I am so glad I have therapy at least. Can you get therapy maybe? I know it's scary. hugs again... you are not alone