The Pain of Your Smile

Within these walls I test myself, I push the world away.
My eyes are closed to what you need, I don't know how to make you stay.
My mind has been filled with so much chaos that I can't even give you a break.
I want it all to stop!
Instead I'm just be a great fake.
I push you daily to see if you will stay.
I wonder why you just won't go away.
You look at me so lovingly, I'm so confused by it.
I wonder if I will ever be able to love you or even feel just a bit.
I miss your touch, your laugh, the sunshine you bring.
Yet again within these walls I have built you out.
I'm ashamed of me and I don't want you to see.
I'm afraid of who I am on the inside, I feel dirty and ugly.
How do I show this to you, yet still have your love once you know me?
My pain is deep.
I want you to see me for me.
I have hurt you so much, still you stay true to us.
Why can't I just see?