guilt

i am 21 years old. i have been with my boyfriend since i was 19. things were good in the beginning of our relationship. we were so in love, he appreciated me and respected me, we got along. i had trust issues, but i was confident in myself, i was strong then. i don't know when things got bad. but they did fast. something snapped. the first time he yelled at me i thought to myself, "i'm glad he isn't the type to hit a woman because if he was, i would be in a horrible situation right now." when he pinned me to the ground, i was grateful, because he hadn't slapped me yet, he hadn't gone that far. when he pushed me around for the first time, i feared that next time, he would slap me for sure. then he did. and when he kicked me and threw me around until i was bruised up and down, i prayed that would be the last time. he held me the next day, crying, saying how sorry he was. he had never done that to anyone, and i, so alone, so scared, comforted him, while he "comforted" me. that was the moment my life was halted. he killed something in me the night he nearly broke my bones. my faith. i feel like his abusive, controlling behavior just seeped into everything else in our relationship. he was interested in other women, we never had sex, he barely touched me. somedays, he wouldn't touch me at all except a push or a grab a couple times a day. he was blatantly interested in other women. still to this day, i blame myself for his abuse. in all aspects. if i wasn't so untrusting in the beginning maybe we would be in a different place.

we broke up two weeks ago. but we still live together. the emotional trauma of this relationship remains AND we still live together. now i just have to look at him everyday and remember it all. he still yells at me, still threatens me, still calls me names. or worse in my perspective right now, he ignores me completely, which hurts me to the core. yet, i can't stop. i can't pull myself away. i feel so helpless in this messed up situation. none of my family lives near me. i don't know how to explain, and i hope someone understands. i feel so guilt ridden, and can't stop going over the motions in my head, i feel his behavior is my fault, and that if it would have been another woman, this would not have happened. i don't know where to go from here. i don't know how to get over my guilt.

i blame myself for his abuse. in all aspects. if i wasn't so untrusting in the beginning maybe we would be in a different place.

His violence towards you is NOT your fault. The abuse you have suffered is nothing to do with your behaviour. If he has a anger problem it is his problem, not yours.
People annoy other people all the time, its normal part of life but they don't attack them!

if it would have been another woman, this would not have happened

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Hey! this is just so not true, do not blame yourself.

My ex husband could be violent, he insisted it was my fault that "I wound him up", he was a innocent victim of my "annoying character & nagging"
I once asked him "Are you going out tonight" a normal enough question I thought.
But apparently no. He shouted & swore told me he was "sick of me controlling him" he punched me (not for the first time) I slipped and scraped my side on a kitchen cupboard.
Next day he acted as normal like nothing had happened. I asked why had he hit me?
He looked at me in amazement "Hit you, I never hit you !? I rolled up my sleeve and showed him the large bruise. "Oh that he exclaimed, you making a fuss over that? I barely touched you, you know you bruise easy (I don't)
But it was never his fault, always mine.

You a still live together, not good. Is there anywhere you can go to get away?

tellmewhen,

still to this day, i blame myself for his abuse. in all aspects. if i wasn't so untrusting in the beginning maybe we would be in a different place.

His behaviour is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is HIS Behaviour. He will tell you it is your fault, he will shame you, he will destroy your spirit in everyway possible - shout, ignore you, he will show you everyhting bad there is in you and you will agree with much of it because, in deed, as everyone else you are not perfect. But do not be fooled, trough all your defects, this one his ON HIM.

There is NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENT THAT WOULD HAVE PREVENT HIS ABUSE!!! For one or another justification he would do it and he would do it either it was you or another woman.

Something INSIDE HIM, has been building up to this moment. And when he got there, he snapped, and after endless episodes, he didn't stop - and mostly this last fact - that he didn't stop, that he didn't look for help and that he continues to abuse you proves it is not your fault, but only his own actions, that he has to be responsible for.

Abusers are cowards. They will not take responsability and they will tell you you "pushed their buttons" to run from consequences.
You were right to not trust this time, so don't believe his words, either "it is your fault" or "I love you".

we broke up two weeks ago. but we still live together. the emotional trauma of this relationship remains AND we still live together.

Make plans to LEAVE, NOW. You can only sort this out, recover and free yourself if you do so.
You may think you love him or he loves you, but LOVE ISN'T SUPOSED TO HURT like this. Whatever you remember from the beggining of your relationship, you will never get it back.
As you said,

he killed something in me the night he nearly broke my bones. my faith.

.

Get out of there and pick up the pieces. You may feel weak, but you are indeed strong. Think of all that you've endured - only a strong woman would still be standing and would've broken up that relationship.

Wish you the best, keep us posted.