Does violence in any form mean it's over?

Is there an approach to a relationship that has a problem with physical violence other than breaking up? We love each other and we both have some serious mental problems that we aren’t sure how to deal with. We are both really good people. But really ###$ up in different ways. We have been together for 5 years. He has a temper and procrastinates things. He's also REALLY smart and really good at calling me on my $#%^. I have a mean-big-sister complex and try to gain power over my male partners in insidious passive aggressive ways. I don't like criticism and try to avoid blame and problems at all costs and have a developed a compulsion for lying to avoid blame, which makes everything worse.

We both like Buddhist philosophy and holistic medicine and are trying to be mindful and meditate. We both have weekly acupuncture and take Chinese herbs.

He suffers debilitating depression since his mother’s tragic and sudden death by medical malpractice. This is worse, of course, by my lying problem.

I drive him crazy, he can tell when I'm lying, I try to defend myself, never want to admit ever doing anything wrong, or lying, and sometimes I lie in ways I'm not fully aware.

We are skeptical about traditional western therapy.

I’m worried therapy won’t help me. That I will use it as a crutch or an excuse or convince the therapist I’m all better or whatever. And he’s worried that therapy is a false sense of help from an outsider with his/her own agenda and ego who gets paid and can’t really understand but who will have the power to manipulate us without truly knowing us or understanding us. And that therapy will ultimately lead us to break up in a horrible and unsatisfying way because as soon as a therapist sees any sign of violence, his/her agenda is to get us to break up.

We have a violence problem. And to be honest, I did start it. Way back, many years ago, in a moment of rage and frustration and misguided interpretation of Zen monks whacking each other, I smacked my bf's ears, and smashed his glasses. He was raging but not hitting before that. He lost control of course and it wasn't the last time. He has a fiery temper and he recognizes fully it's a huge problem and he does not justify hitting me in any way. I know he is wrong to do this and I do not blame myself for his abuse (I do sometimes but I know it’s wrong to) but I also have a serious problem expressing myself healthfully and I’m afraid that our cycle will continue.

So here we are, 5 years in. 5 years of trying to stay together and pull ourselves together and work it out and stop our vicious trips. And still I’m lying, and still at times he’s hitting. And neither of us want to break up and neither of us know what will help. What I want from this forum is to hear that there is a potential for anything, therapy or otherwise to help us stay together. I want to hear from someone who has had a relationship that seemed hopeless that had violence or compulsive lying (two deal-breakers really) that got better and “works” somehow.

Namaste,

I am surprised that this has been going on for 5 years. I think that it shows how much you both still want the relationship to work though, and maybe thinking about breaking up should not be on the cards just yet. You've survived 5 years so far, so that should give you both determination that many things are still right in the relationship. At this stage, however, I believe you must both admit to each other that you have problems and cannot resolve them yourselves. I in fact recommend that you both go to your local GP/doctor and discuss the situation to him/her. He/she will then refer to you to a specialist who should be able to 'enlighten' you both.

I'm curious though... If you practice Zen, then I would have thought that the mere teachings of Zen would have improved things. I am not a great follower of it, but I engaged in it a few years ago and it taught me not to feel anger for anyone. In fact, the only anger I feel is towards myself.

Kevin

Zen teachings are extremely effective. But we are struggleing with them greatly. I would very much appreciate someone who knows something about zen to reply. It can be very helpful but very confusing. The dichotomy between repression and expression of emotion is confusing. Breaking out of subconsious habbits can be daunting. For me I think I don't feel anry when I'm actually repressing anger and then I behave passive agressivly later. I need help dealting with this. Does any one else have this problem?

I say this with real genuine humility and not out of a sence of self importance...
My very real question to you is this... How much do you really want to change? How much does he really want to change?

I stayed in a 17 year relationship with a man that was very abusive and who never thought he had a problem. I learned that if I wanted things to change I had to change myself, I can not and don't have the ablity to change him. The real problem with change is that people don't like to analize themselves constantly, and monitor what they are doing and why. Real true change takes work, dedication and the willingness to seek help from others or from books.
I will tell you that there are bad councilors out there, I know because I had one who told me to grow up and listen to my husband and to quit complaining about his actions. That if I would do as my husband said everything would be OK for me. You must trust yourself that if something does not feel right, that it is not right for you.
But I can also tell you that there are wonderful people out there that truely can help you with insights of yourself and how to change your actions. I gained so much from the support of a person who truely did as such.

Abuse in any form does not get better unless -Both- persons involved realize and truely see that there is a problem and are willing to constantly work on themselves to change. The real frustation is that you do truely love him and he does love you, but no matter how much love is going around ask yourself how loving is it when a person does this......... or this action to me, tearing me down and making me feel this way.
5 years can turn into 20 years of no change, so are you happy with the way it is now? or do you both want to be happier? Trust me from a person who did change, it can be done, I am alive and living the proof of it.

So sad to read you and your partner have been battling this between you for 5 years....clearly you love each other...which is the most important thing...and you should not loose sight of this. But it seems you are both suffering from insecurity and fear of losing each other...so you lie...and one hits out first....but it need not be that way. One of you has to look at all this confusion and lead the way....by lead the way I do not mean take control....you need to be strong ...music helps...look here : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lu0IvWwTN2U xxxxx

No.. its not over... If you abuse someone.. that means you do not respect their emotion and this reflects as very bad impact on persons existing relation very badly.!!

Not necessarily. In your case it sounds like a good approach would be if you both would get individual therapy and not start out with couples counseling.

It sounds your partner is more reluctant. What exactly is the therapist's own agenda? Sounds more like anxiety at being confronted with one's actions and their consequence.

I will say that it's necessarily beyond hope if the perpetrator, you or him or both of you, is not willing to address the problem with outside help. If you were capable of solving it on your own the physical abuse wouldn't still occur.

My suggestion is that you try to take a few steps back until you can re-evaluate the relationship.

I'm assuming you are living together? If that is the case then try to move out for a while. It doesn't mean the relationship is over, it just means you are taking some space until you both can address the current issues.

Sometimes the problem with living together is you intrude on each others space. Each person needs there own personal time to deal with their own problems. Therapy might be a good idea. You could try individual therapy and couples therapy if you really want to save the relationship.

You might find that living apart improves the relationship drastically or you might find that you no longer want to be in a relationship. Either way, taking some space and working on improving yourself is a good start. You can not fix other people's problems. You can only change yourself.