Minor argument, my wife asked me if I was going to hit her

I'll try to give as much background as possible. First of all, there is no history of physical abuse between my wife and I. The reason I'm posting this here is that she was previously in an abusive marriage. We had what I would consider a very mild argument this morning (if you even want to call it that). She took my words very hard and thought I didn't want her to go into the grocery store with me (we had driven there together). I was upset that she was staying in the car, and so I basically told her I would be pretty upset if we drove over here together and didn't go in as a couple. I didn't yell, cuss, or grab her, didn't touch her at all. I probably should have just let her be and went in the store, but my feelings were hurt at that point. Anyway... She went in with me. But after we were done and had returned to the car, she asked me if I was going to hit her if she didn't go when I asked her to. She says her feelings were hurt and that she said it in a smart ass manner, that she wasn't serious.

It hit me like a ton of bricks, because I've always had a very vigorous attitude against men who abuse women and abuse in general, whatever that may be. I admit there were likely things I could have said that would have produced a better outcome. In fact, I'm not mad or upset that my wife asked me that question. I was a little at first, because I was offended, but I can get over that.

The part I'm struggling with is that I've never had a woman ever ask me something like that. I've never hit a woman and never would. I have a young daughter who I love more than anything. I don't spank her. I was abused by my father growing up and I detest the idea of any man abusing a woman or child. So, the part I'm struggling with is it makes me feel awkward. It makes me feel like I've done something that is irreparable in a way, even though nothing serious really happened. Her question just stunned me, offended me at first and it's just difficult to reconcile how she could ask me that. I've never put her in a threatening situation. We barely argue ever and if I am frustrated, I leave the room so she can't see it on my face. We generally have a very loving and close relationship, but she said this and now I feel at a loss. Like something has changed in our relationship.

I fully recognize she has been in an abusive relationship before. The part that bothers me a bit is that she said it was said in hurt as sort of a smart ass comment. That she didn't really think I would do that or that it wasn't a serious question. Seems like a pretty serious topic to broach with your SO. Any advice? My hope is that it will pass with time and this is nothing. Just hit me like a ton of bricks.

I think we seldom get a partner who sees everything the way we do. What is insignificant for them may be huge to us. One of the tricks is adjusting for that. It can take you entire marriage to fine tune this stuff.



... and yes, previous experience colours what we say and do, but don't try and read too much into it.

Let it go see where it all winds up.

Good luck

I agree with Terry,

Try and move on and see where things go for the moment..

It sounds like your wife was feeling a bit threatened at the time, and she responded by being defensive rather than being able to self reflect about where that feeling had likely sprung from.
I do see why she felt like that - but I can also see that you've understood that you should have done things differently, so i won't go into that further.. you know what you're doing and how to make her feel more in control next time.

You now feel a bit at a loss and feel like something has changed..
you feel sad and a little lost because you feel like she's lost some of the trust she had in you?

That's a really difficult thing to have happen and i'm so sorry - it's really sad when someone we love either loses trust in us, or we lose trust in them.. probably one of the most personally difficult things to come to terms with.

ConcernedFather2 wrote: I've never hit a woman and never would.

Bear with this.... please.

Firstly..... It's nothing to do with your daughter in any fashion... stop increasing the size of the pot you are stirring

Second.... It appears both you and your wife have past abuse issues and you need to take that into account... her reactions and your reactions are both tainted by baggage and quite probably 'over egged'

Thirdly..... You say you've never hit a woman and never would... Myself, I'll take out anyone who threatens me or my safety or those under my protection.. Man, woman , child.... anyone.

Now I am sure people will be aghast at that, but that is because of 'morals' not logical thought..... I treat everyone the same, they are all of equal importance... No pedestals, no gender rationale and no preconditions.... My wife for example is a Dr of Psychology, her work is just as important as my work... It is not her job to do any house work or cooking and not mine either, so someone else does it for us.......... My wife is as entitled to any thing I am in any fashion... not more but definitely not less. I know what my wife thinks because I ask her and I listen.... She does likewise with myself. Over many years now we have learnt to understand how the other one talks. We nearly always mean the same, but we use different words and routes to the same end.

My point is this, because you have this whole 'pedestal' thing going on, you place a pressure on your wife she does not deserve... She's had previous issues, you apparently have had previous issues.... why does it all have to be your fault? Why does she have to fall into what you find or perceive to be 'acceptable' ?

To paraphrase you..... "My wife was in an abusive relationship... I never shout or swear at her and would not hit her"....... There is a vast gulf between those two statements, they do not display a concatenation of action, indeed they are actually wholly disparate.

I am not being unpleasant here but it looks like you two need to actually communicate, not pussy foot around each other... Do not assume because she is a woman and must never be abused etc, that you know what she thinks or how she wants to be treated... You need to lose the preconceptions, people are people, not genders.


I wish you good fortune.

If it's any consolation, I'd be pretty upset too if someone I loved asked me not to hit them when I just wanted to talk. (Although reading your post, I can understand why she would.)

You guys need to have a conversation about where you're both coming from. Maybe try this: "Honey, I feel hurt when you ask me not to hit you because I would never do that to you, and I don't like it when you assume that I would. Could we please talk about this? I love you and want to know what it is you're thinking."

Template: "When you blank, I feel blank because blank, and I'd like it if you blank from now on."

Good luck.