My husband and I have been together for six years and married for 2. We have a son who is only 10 months old. From the start there were signs of emotional abuse but i just didnt see them. I am a psych major and read a lot about abusers and their patterns. The isolation, the control, the mind games. They were all there but I still have a hard time thinking my husband is capable of all that. Within months of meeting i dropped all my friends and stopped talking to most of my family. In high school I quit all extracurricular activities including the basketball team which I was the captain of because it was what he wanted. I had to say no to jobs because they took up too much time and would cause him to get mad at me. He was always giving me the silent treatment when we first were dating every time i did something he didnt like. I always felt like i was the one who needed to change and never him. I hated myself and felt lucky to be with a man who cares about me enough to stay with me.
Our religion believes in purity before marriage. We would get together and he would always try and fool around. If I didnt hook up with him he would get mad and not talk to me until I did. Then when we did hook up he would blame me for not saying no and seducing him. There was nothing I could do. When I did say no and stuck to my guns he would fore himself on me. This happened daily for years.
When we were in college so many friends and professors came to me and told me i needed to leave. They all saw the abuse but for some reason I didnt want to. I only ever saw the good in him. When we got engaged my soon to be sister in law even created an intervention of sorts to show me the way he was treating me was not right. I was anorexic at his request. While others were concerned he was proud of me. He didnt need to hit me. I was so deep under his control it was like I wasnt even a person.
We were married and I took on all the responsibilities. I did all the cooking and cleaning. I had sex upon request if I didnt want it or not. i provided for the two of us and made sure he got what he wanted. After being married for 3 months we found out we were pregnant. When our son was born things changed. My husband spent little to no time at the hospital when my son was born. He was there for the delivery and to pick me up but that was about it. When we got home he refused to help and kept complain about how fat i still looked. He refused to take care of our son alone. School started again in the fall and we were both in classes. He would watch our son while I had class and I would work from home and watch our son the rest of the day. I was scared to leave our son alone with him.
He would scream and get mad whenever my son cried. Especially at night. I tried everything to stop my husband from getting mad. I even did all his homework on top of my own so he could relax when he got home. I was a slave and getting no sleep. Finally I couldnt take it anymore. I remember one day my husband was screaming because our son was crying and I spoke up and told him he was being a bad father (he was screaming how he hated our son and how he was going to kick him if he didnt stop even though he was only 2 months). My husband got mad and took our son from me holding him in one hand and pinnind me to the wall in the other. He screamed at me and told me that he is his son too and i am not going to tell him how to treat his son. I think that was the first time i felt he wanted to hurt me. We never spoke about it and I ended up apologizing.
Over the cousrse of the next 8 months or so the abuse got way worse. Any time my husband threatened my son in any way I fought back. My son was always safe but I wasnt. HE would punch me a lot, kick me, shove me, slap me. He would force himself on me if I didnt want sex. I remember once he held me down and put his arm on my throat choking me and told me he could kill me so easily.
The more i speak up the worse things get. I know i need to leave but I feel paralyzed. I dont love him anymore and feel both guilt and relief about that. All my feelings seem to contradict themselves. I dont believe he is abusive but I know he is abusive at the same time. I hate that I dont speak up for myself more. I want to leave but I have to stay. Its all so confusing. Right now I am just going through the motions. Living each day at a time. I dont know how to get out of this. Its me holding me back.